Orange Is the New Black
Blood Donut

Episode Report Card
Angel Cohn: A | 24 USERS: A
This Is WAC

It's been two weeks since Piper moronically stole the screwdriver and Janae is getting let out of SHU. Trapped in a small, dark place is a terrible fate for a girl who was once a high school track star with a chance to get big time scholarships. Well, until she went to a party, where a thoughtful thug named 3D told her that she shouldn't be there, because she could actually achieve her dreams if she stayed off the trouble track. Being a stubborn teen, she naturally hooked up with the first guy who paid any mind to her thick thighs, and enlisted her to assist in a robbery. While they were escaping, he told her not to show off (the same insult boys had hurled at her when she was young) so she slowed down and got tagged by the cops… while he got away.

Now she's celebrating seeing the light and doing burpees in her prison cell at night. So she's keeping the whole ghetto up, and Yoga Jones (who voiced Patti Mayonnaise!) tries to talk to her, but Janae ends up speculating that Yoga Jones murdered a kid, and then Yoga hauls off and smacks Janae across the face drawing blood. Don't mess with those yoga teachers, man.

Janae also finds out that Piper is the one responsible for stealing the screwdriver, not because anyone snitched, but because Piper was being extra nice to her when the two were forced into the ducts to fix the floodlights. "Nobody's sweet in here except for a reason." Also, do they really let inmates do things like this? It seems like a recipe for disaster. Piper tries to say that Janae got thrown in the SHU for mouthing off to Caputo, but Janae shuts that down. Piper attempts to make good by getting the track reopened, and Janae is thrilled she finally gets to spread her legs and fly, but declares this really doesn't make them even.

Perhaps if Janae knew what Piper had exactly gone through to get the track opened, she'd be slightly more forgiving, but given Piper's idiocy we can't blame Janae. Piper used her time on the WAC committee to appeal to Healy to reopen the track, restart the GED program and open the clinic for preventative healthcare, while the other WAC reps want things like extra pillows and hot sauce. Instead, Healy gives them donuts and tells them that's all the budget will allow for (and maybe some coffee) and the other ladies, particularly the possibly narcoleptic Chang, happily go along with this plan. Even Taystee (who wanted Fifty Shades of Grey in the library, but retracted her request when Piper offered her a copy) who is really just trying to get on Healy's good side so that he'll write her a recommendation for her parole hearing.

Piper is determined to get her track privileges at the very least, so she pleads with Healy, citing a documentary about prison and walking and all its health benefits. He offers her a deal: if she finds the missing cell phone he'll give her what she wants. Healy doesn't have time for this shit since he's got enough on his plate with his mail-order bride and her mother talking in Ukrainian about how long it will take to get a green card. Still, Piper waits until the crazy girl vacates the stall and takes the cell phone (we also earlier see her playing games on the phone and getting a charming text of Diablo's penis). On her way to Healy's office she's confronted by Tucky, who is still pissed that Piper got named to the WAC -- she compares it to Judas and Jesus, while Alex listens in -- and Tucky warns Piper not to be a snitch to Healy. Piper gives him the phone, but refuses to identify the person who it belonged to, but the guards can probably figure that out when bathroom stall lady freaks that her phone is missing, breaking down the only remaining stall door in her rage. But because she won't tattle, no track for Piper.

Danielle gives the phone to Caputo, and gives him shit about not doing his job. He insinuates that Healy was the one taking the pictures on the cell phone. And then later when the track is reopened, Caputo goes on and on about a documentary about walking. It's unclear if he's just needling Healy because of something Danielle said or if Piper somehow went over Healy's head to get the track reopened.

Taystee has her parole hearing coming up, so her friends Poussey and that other nameless one, play the mock parole board. They kindly advise her not to use the terms smacking a bitch when talking about her infractions, wonder if they'll be men or women on the panel and more importantly advise her to do something about her hair. This leads to a trip to Burset and a lengthy conversation about which celebrity style says innocent best, and they decide on a classy updo bun that really suits her well.

Elsewhere in the prison: Nichols and Alex have a saltine eating contest and it’s the best; Red admits that Claudette's coconut cake is better than hers; Red's hiding special ingredients in napkin dispensers to keep them away from Mendez ("Everything off the books lives like Anne Frank"); Boo has the cutest dog in the world for a hot minute; Piper gives the true meaning of the Robert Frost "Road Not Taken" poem to Tricia and Taystee, and they hate her know-it-all attitude ("I will probably kill her in her sleep tonight", "Wake me up so I can watch."); Piper finally apologizes to Alex and tries to get her to be friends; Mendez notices that Bennett is smiling, realizes he must have gotten laid and asks for details, "Was she Asian?" Bennett thinks on his feet and lies his ass off.; Tucky has the worst meth teeth ever and would like Piper to get her a dental plan; Mendez again tries to get Red to import illegal products with his messed up Dr. Seuss logic ("This shit, that shit, blue shit, bat shit") and she demurs; New Guard Susan (who is also a former Fairway cashier), recognizes Piper from her antics forgetting her reusable bags and being a general pain in the ass; Alex amazingly tells Tucky to shut up about Piper, or as retaliation she'll use her lesbian mouth to go down on Tucky while she's sleeping and ruin her god-fearing self forever.

Outside of lockup in Larry Land, he's hanging out with Pete and Polly and feeling shitty about the fact that he looks like a desperate loser. Then he feels crappy for complaining about things when his bride-to-be is in prison. Polly sets him straight and tells him they get to have feelings and self-absorbed Piper in jail doesn't negate their own emotional struggles. He also awkwardly almost hits on a hot bartender, before telling her that he has a fiancé with an ominously shaky moral compass. He is also nervous/excited about his article regarding Piper coming out in the New York Times, but Polly's a bit worried that he didn't completely get Piper's approval first.

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Orange Is the New Black




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