Orange Is the New Black

Episode Report Card
Angel Cohn: A+ | 39 USERS: A
How Do I Get You Alone?

Mendez managed to get his stash tucked inside Red's veggies, but didn't warn Red, so she mutters that he's a "Pig Fucker" (accurate) and tosses his stash down the toilet. I noticed that the stall she used had a door, so apparently they got that fixed after crazy chick freaked out and broke it down. When he finds out that she's dumped his stash, he is super angry and threatens her and takes a big old piss in her gravy. He actually threatens to end her if she does it again. For a minute, I thought she was going to pour boiling gravy over his penis, but sadly she refrained.

Daya uses Snickers bars to get a woman to make her some black magic medicine to induce a miscarriage. It involves drinking a nasty substance and planting a seed in the prison yard. Daya looks conflicted about her decision, but says as long as the baby feels no pain, she's okay with it. Especially when she sees the miserable mope that Ruiz has become post-partum. Later on when Daya has the cold sweats, we see Mommy Diaz come over and tell her that she bribed the witchy lady to just give her a fake thing because she didn't want her grandbaby murdered. Well thought-out plan, but they almost seem like they are bonding in their own dysfunctional way.

Piper gets her hair curled to look all cute for Larry during his Thanksgiving visit. Burset and Sister Ingalls talk to her about the hardships of the first holiday in jail, but Piper seems remarkably fine. She even talks to Burset about how she'd feel if Larry became a woman -- she says she'd be okay with it, but Larry would be really ugly as a lady. She also gets a little choked up when Burset washes her hair, because in the time she's been in prison, she's had little-to-no human contact and the mere fact that someone is touching her at all sends her over the edge.

Burset's wife Crystal visits for Thanksgiving and during their conversation, she reveals that she's in love with her pastor. She wants Burset to grant her blessing so she can move on. Burset is conflicted and talks a lot to Sister Ingalls. She questions why Crystal needs sex if the good Sister can do without, and there's some straight talk about how Crystal married someone with a penis and planned to use it. Eventually Burset calls Crystal and tells her that she's okay with her dating the pastor, and there is such a sweet moment. They may be splitting, but there is clearly so much love between these two. And Burset's good deed for the day is almost instantly rewarded as a new doctor has been assigned to the prison and they see the error in the chart and up Burset's hormonal dosage so she's back to normal.

It may be a holiday for giving thanks, but we're not thankful for Tucky. She's a monster. This meth-head has made it her mission to preach to her fans (outside of the prison she's got quite the following) about the horrors of abortion. She also really hates any lesbian behavior, so Alex is currently at the top of her shit list. She says she's prepping for the rapture, but there's not a seat on the bus for Alex because she's gay. That seems very unchristian-like. She calls Alex a rich bitch, and we flash back to poor little Alex who is the freaking cutest. She's so perfectly cast, it is almost like how little Snow on Once Upon a Time is identical to her adult counterpart. Anyway, little Alex is getting bullied by a bunch of mean bitches who don't like her knock-off Adidas and pick on her mom working four jobs. They even call her Pigsty, which is rude. Mom tries to reassure her that her father is a rock god, and the drummer in a band, but little Alex seems under impressed.

Later we see flashback Alex going to visit said Rock God, who is hanging out backstage and being generally disrespectful about her rack (though he's excited to meet his kid). An onlooker who sees that Alex is upset about having her hopes of meeting an awesome father dashed explains that he's an international drug smuggler and that elicits the same half-laugh from her as it did from Piper when she and Alex met.

Also, before we get to how screwed up this holiday is, can we talk about how cute Crazy Eyes's super white parents are? She's almost like a different person when they are around. Can't wait for more backstory on her.

Taystee is set to get out and is excited about having pizza in the Bronx and eating with her cousin, but she also looks extremely nervous that she is going to be on the outside. She's gone from ward of the state to juvie to prison, so she hasn't spent much time on her own. Thankfully, Miss Claudette overhears her concern and tells her she's a bright girl, with a legal background from the library, and she can do great things. There's a sad moment where Taystee's told she has to leave immediately and she panics when she can't find Poussey. But Poussey sees her leaving, pounds on the window and Taystee waves and does a celebratory dance. But her smile is short-lived as we see that Taystee arrives at her new digs, and her cousin is long gone and the woman living there has a dozen people lying about and will only let Taystee stay one night on the floor in a corner.

Mendez warns the ladies at Taystee's party that they can celebrate, but there are to be no holiday-induced suicides because he doesn't want to clean up that mess. All the gals party to celebrate Taystee's good fortune of getting out in time for real turkey. One lady has an amazing homemade sign that says "We won't forget a bich [sic]." At the party, Alex and Piper bond over a time in Java when Piper had stomach problems and then they start bumping and grinding when "Milkshake" comes on. Tucky bears witness and immediately tattles to Healy about the "lesbian activities" that Mendez is happy to just watch. This is the one time I agree with Mendez -- he's just enjoying the show and understands that when this song comes on, it is nearly impossible for a girl not to grab a friend and just start dancing sexily. Healy freaks out that his good little Chapman is engaging in questionable behavior and rages that looks like it could have been forcible rape (Alex says this was far from the case) and demands that Chapman be tossed into SHU indefinitely.

Piper goes off to SHU and things take a truly dark turn here. She sees her barely human accommodations and starts curling up in a ball. The food is everything from moldy bologna to some sort of "meatloaf." There is screaming all around, and Piper's door has "Kill Me Now" scratched into it. It's all extra sad because her hair looks really cute. Eventually Healy comes and tries to get her to say she'll stay away from Alex, and that doesn't go over so well. Instead of being apologetic about her association with a "sick" Alex, Piper goes on the defensive and says, "Did I make you jealous?" She asks if he thought she'd somehow be his girlfriend. "Girls like me… we don't fuck ignorant old men with lesbian obsessions. We go for tall hot girls and we fucking love it. So that leaves you on the outside living your sad, sad life." She ends her rant by telling him to go fuck himself. Unsurprisingly, she ends up remaining in SHU.

While she's in there, Alex is out for blood. She walks up to Tucky (who is regaling her followers with tales of the bald eagle her brother killed) and kisses her full on the lips, thanking her for last night and saying loudly, "Nobody's ever licked my pussy like that." Tucky retaliates by getting rid of Alex's mattress and breaking her glasses, both of which could take ages to repair. Nichols and Alex commiserate about Tucky, and Alex mentions the rich girl comment. She then happily says that she'd have turned Nichols into a drug mule in a minute. Nichols says, "I knew you were a pimp". She also admits that as an addict, she'd have been a terrible mule as she'd have done all the drugs.

Piper showers while a guard stands a foot away from her and she remains handcuffed the entire time. Back in her solitary cell, she hears a voice coming from the wall. She then starts venting to a vent about being in there, and how she's just keep her head down if she gets out. The voice on the other side questions if Piper is real, and says she's been in SHU for a year or so and time is confusing when there are no windows and the lights are always on. Piper eventually stops hearing the possibly not real voice, and then is let out because Larry annoyed enough people with his threatened lawsuits and harassing calls that Caputo made Healy set her free. Caputo also tells Healy this was a personal vengeance and there was no paperwork to back up this scenario, so he should be careful.

Larry arrived at the jail only to be told that Piper was in SHU. He begged Susan to give Healy his number, even though it was against protocol. He also wanted Piper to call him, but I don't think he understands how solitary works. After making a bunch of annoying calls to any manner of people about the injustice that is happening, he goes on with his Thanksgiving dinner at his parents' house that Alex's brother Cal is preparing. Larry debates cancelling, but Cal thinks his sister would be pissed; besides, Cal spent all his savings on this heritage turkey that he's cooking.

Polly and Pete come over with the baby and a friend named Maury who has a show on NPR. Larry almost pees himself and then acts all dorky trying to pitch Maury a story, while Maury is more interested in Cal's amazing dinner. I am with Maury -- that table setting looked amazing (the little shark impaled on the menorah really made it) and Cal and his welder girlfriend are positively delightful. Cal's conversation about Polly's placenta and what she did with it veers into disgusting dinner table topic territory, but besides that, it seems like a nice meal.

So while Larry is desperately trying to be a part of Maury's story on weird long-distance relationships, Piper heads out of SHU and immediately grabs Alex from her mattress-less cell and brings her to the chapel where they start having really hot sex. That chapel must have more germs than the Jersey Shore smush room. Healy fumes about having to release Piper without her spirit being broken, so when Susan drops by with Larry's number, he calls and tells Larry all about Alex and Piper's antics.

Orange Is the New Black




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