Orange Is the New Black
Moscow Mule

Episode Report Card
Angel Cohn: A | 33 USERS: A+
Twix Are For Kids

Almost every inmate is sick with the flu, which makes for a lot of hacking and coughing and trips to the pharmacy. Piper and her Maxi-Pad MacGyver skills creates some masks for her and her roommate, but Claudette thinks she looks like Michael Jackson. Cue obligatory skin tone joke and Michael Jackson dance pose. I like this show so much that I’m willing to overlook something so obvious and stupid like this. Plus, it shows that Piper is getting a little more relaxed in her surroundings.

But Piper still has to contend with Healy, who holds her responsible for the track being reopened. He delightedly tells her about Larry's article in The New York Times before he chucks it in the trash and pours coffee over it so she can't read it. But Larry eventually reads it to her over the phone, after talking about his celebratory party that Polly planned and about the excited guys at the newsstand who want to be his new Facebook friends. At the party though, Larry feels awkward about celebrating without Polly, but his whining is cut short by Polly who has gone into labor. After Pete nearly gets into a brawl with the taxi driver, they have an adorable baby. Piper hears the news and feels like a crappy friend for not being there on Polly's big day. "Do you think that I'm a narcissist or a horse's ass?" She's also pretty resentful about the fact that Larry wrote this article, which doesn't really represent her as a person so much as the convict wife that works for his story.

In flashback, we see Piper taking a pregnancy test and Larry freaking out when she mentions that if she is pregnant she'd want to keep it. He brings up abortion as an option since Piper's jail sentence commences in three months. In case it wasn't evident from the graphic shots of Prison Poon in a recent episode, this show is definitely not on network cable bringing up that often taboo subject without being coy at all. Anyway, she's not, so the point is moot. But you know who is pregnant? Diaz. Possibly with baby Bennett? Though there's no clarification on that point. Still, if its true, that's gonna be a damned adorable baby.

Also in pregnancy news, Ruiz (from the WAC committee) is ready to pop. But the nurse who runs the pharmacy won't let her go to the hospital until her contractions are extremely close together. There's a betting pool (with a Twix bar as a prize) started around the floor and Diaz wonders if the baby will come back to jail with Ruiz. Mommy Dearest quickly sets her daughter straight about that notion. And Ruiz, through her contractions, is able to tell Diaz and Diaz that they are horrible people. "You should tour high schools for abstinence, because a minute with you is better than Plan B." And when Ruiz returns in a wheelchair shortly after giving birth, the entire place goes silent and there are so many uncomfortable stares.

Mother hen Red has problems with one of her druggie ducklings. Tricia's going into severe withdrawal since Mendez hasn't been able slip in pills. Mendez threatens Red (again) and informs her that she needs to take care of her girl before the higher ups find out she's having junkie jitters and not just suffering flu symptoms. Red decides that she's going to outsource this problem to Nichols. Not in the comforting way you might imagine either. She makes Nichols go tell Tricia that she needs to turn herself in and that she's cut off from Red's little fucked up family. "Two strikes - that's what she gets. Russians don't play baseball. " Nichols doesn't want to, telling Red: "Drugs have a way of making you do shit you don't want to do." But Red doesn't care about this defense of Tricia and just plainly replies, "So do I." So Nichols attempts niceness with Tricia offering OJ, before clearly delivering Red's message. Caputo asks Mendez about the fact that Tricia's got the DTs even though she's been in jail for 10 months, and also asks if mustaches are gay. Caputo really sucks at this job.

This whole thing leads Mendez to redouble his smuggling efforts, and since Red isn't revealing her sources, he tries to get her secret out of Morello. He has Morello drive the van far off campus and it almost seems like he may rape or kill her (neither option seems like a stretch) but Morello doesn't have an answer, or she doesn't know. Then he finds Nicky masturbating in the chapel while listening to a Walkman, and Nichols tells him that Red uses Neptune's Produce to bring in her unauthorized goods. She doesn't even hesitate in telling him because she's pissed at Red and would really like to get back to what she was doing.

We see Mendez having a threatening conversation with the gentleman driving the Neptune truck, who seems like he may be part of the mob gang that hung out at Red's deli. That would make sense given via flashback we see that Red is the one that told the head mobster he should make a better plan for laundering money and the ilk: "Like the Italians have with the garbage. " Red's doting husband seems annoyed that he's been pushed aside for his wife, but only really momentarily. We also see Red arriving at the prison and Healy realizing he can put her to work in the kitchen.

While all this is unfolding, Piper's in the laundry room with Alex. Nichols and Piper at the only non-ill electricians available to fix the dryer. Nichols and Alex have a double entendre filled conversation about putting wrenches in things, before Nichols gets pulled away to do Red's bidding. Alex folds laundry and shares with Piper the secret that O'Neill hooks up with the bitchy guard at the front desk, she can tell by his giant boxers mixed in with her clothes. After some flirty conversation ("I'm not suggesting that I want you back you Park Slope narcissist.") Alex offers to help Piper by climbing inside the industrial dryer. Her flashlight dies, and when she goes off to get replacement batteries, Tucky locks Alex in because she's pissed that Alex is being nice to her nemesis. Luschek sees Piper fighting with the machine (Tucky also took the entire control panel with her) to get it open, and removes Alex and takes them both to Healy's office. "When I got there, the blonde one was screaming and the hot one was stuck inside." Healy, of course, presumes that the two were trying to use the dryer to get off (he should be more concerned about Nichols masturbating in the chapel, or Red's electric toothbrushes). He writes them both up and sarcastically asks Piper if he could get famous writing up her exploits while in jail.

Later, Piper visits Alex in her cell and sees that she's succumbed to the flu and is busy "plotting my revenge on the redneck fucking Deliverance extra." Piper admits that she's bummed because Larry doesn't seem to get why she did what she did with Alex, and the two share a moment before Piper starts sneezing.

In other prison randomness: Taystee is going to get out, the parole board approved her request; Taystee has been training Poussey to take over the library, but it is unlikely that Poussey will ever remember all of the Dewey decimal numbers like Taystee does.; Oh, and if we ever get the flu again we're going to find out Nichols' cure-all, "I'm on a cough syrup cocktail that would make Lil' Wayne vomit in his dreads. "

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Orange Is the New Black




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