Orange Is the New Black
Tall Men With Feelings

Episode Report Card
49 USERS: A+
Nothing More Than Feelings

Bennett is desperately to come up with a way for Daya to keep their baby, and he thinks if she can get a furlough for a family death then she'll be able to say she got knocked up while she was on the outside. Mommy Diaz knows that these things are unlikely, and even Bennett eventually finds out that even if it did happen, it could take months. Time for plan B. Which, coincidentally, isn't smuggling in some Plan B, since it seems too late for that. Instead, Red helps the ladies come up with a plan to get Mendez to have sex with Daya (sans condom) and say she was raped. This helps Red get rid of her worst enemy, and helps Daya. Daya initially objects of all the Bennett love, but her ever so sweet mother says she's good at getting guys to want to have sex with her.

After Bennett and Mendez go out for drinks and Mendez strikes out with some ladies at the bar who just want free drinks, Mendez reveals that he has actual human emotions. Trust me, I didn't think it was possible, but listen to his drunken speech: " These fuckin' bitches look at me like a piece of meat, like a sex toy? Does anybody ever ask me how my day is going? Do they ever for a second think about our life outside of work? I'm sitting here, right? I exist." It's almost like a real boy. Still, when Bennett tells Daya this, she swings into action and uses his loneliness to her advantage and Mendez takes the bait… except that he uses a condom. When Daya tells Red and Mommy Diaz what happens, they tell her she has to have sex with him again, but get caught in the act this time. Poor Bennett is not going to like this, even if it means keeping his own ass out of jail.

There's also the business of Tricia's funeral. Mendez heartlessly starts to clean out her stuff, but the ladies (headed up by Red) say that they've got it. And while Piper thinks they should do a memorial service and tries to force fake feelings, the other ladies from the white faction of the prison remember her in their own way by making a little cardboard Tricia (which falls in a way that looks like fake Tricia is being hung all over again) and then enjoy smuggled treats from all of the other groups. Eventually Piper gives up her forced quest and indulges some toilet brewed hooch along with the other women who actually knew Tricia for more than a minute.

But before Piper finally comes around and relaxes about Tricia, we see her actually bonding with Crazy Eyes. It's pretty great. Suzanne, as we'll be calling her after this episode, tells her: "If you were still my wife, I would tell you all the time how much I like your titties. Girls like that. That's a tip from me to you." Then when Piper falls on one of Suzanne's freshly waxed floors, Suzanne carefully helps her back to her bed, while they are both very clear about the fact that this doesn't make her Piper's woman in any way shape or form. Instead they have a revealing conversation about how Suzanne is a little mentally unstable, but cleaning helps, and while she is often in psych when she goes off the deep end, she's one of the few people who has ever been returned to Gen Pop and that's because of her parents connections. Then she quietly asks Piper why people call her Crazy Eyes. Seriously, it's enough to break your heart. Especially given what comes later with Larry's NPR interview.

But before that we flashback to when Piper was a total heartless monster and not just the oblivious, often stupid woman we know now. She was back in Alex's apartment, and throwing a tantrum and leaving because her girlfriend wanted her to go to Istanbul for a drug deal instead of just a vacation. Clearly, Piper didn't understand how money worked back then (or maybe not still now). So while she was pissed off and breaking up with Alex, and scouring the apartment for her passport (which Alex hid to keep her there longer), Alex gets word that her mother has suddenly died of an aneurysm. Instead of agreeing to help Alex through a rough time, she takes off and leaves Alex alone to deal with this. No freakin' wonder Alex turned Piper in. We'd have done the same if we were international drug dealers trying to cut some time off our sentence by turning in the bitch who left us when we needed her most.

Alex seems to be mostly over it, but that's before everyone hears Larry's NPR interview. They all tune in to listen to hear Larry talk about how Crazy Eyes was so insane and how Piper was afraid of Claudette murdering her in her sleep. This just moments after we saw Claudette light up when she saw Baptiste again and they planned a post-release meal. He also talks about how emotional cheating in jail would be worse than something physical, and it's at this point that Piper realizes he knows about Alex.

Afterwards she calls and screams at him for nearly getting her killed for making her prison mates sound like criminals (no matter that they are, he was blunt and rude about it). He tells her that Healy was the one that clued him in on the Alex tip and she admits that she's in love with Alex. At which point Larry dickishly tells Piper that he lied, and Alex did indeed turn Piper in. "She's the whole fucking reason you're in there. How does it feel to be in love with the woman who ruined our lives?" So that bodes really well for the not-even-newlywed couple.

And while Piper isn't screwing stuff up with Larry, or everyone else, she's made it her mission to clear her conscience by getting Tucky out of psych. Particularly when she finds out from Suzanne just how bad it is. And it looks like it sucks a lot, as we see Tucky in a metal box just freaking out about how she's chosen, and then see her being pumped with drugs to keep her temper under control. It's like a clean, nearly comatose version of SHU, which is almost worse in some ways. Piper goes to Caputo to explain how she tricked Tucky into believing that she was a faith healer (and she takes the fall for Alex as well), and only gets a few weeks of extra cleaning for her punishment. And 'Tucky gets released from psych but she still looks mighty pissed at Piper.

Orange Is the New Black




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