Roswell
A Roswell Christmas Carol

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Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Fa la la la...not

While Isabel shepherds the kids from the Christmas pageant onto an outdoor stage, we cut over to Maria and Liz sitting among the excitement while Maria finishes passing along the details of not her life story, downcasting, "I've been crying all day." Lizbot can't operate the battery-powered Emotion Pack 2001 that people keep giving her for Christmas this year (like that year we all wanted to give this increasingly mono-browed friend of ours some eyebrow trimmers, like "hint hint," guy) in attempting to communicate that she too is sad at the prospect of another human being becoming disassembled, Stephanie. Maria claims that she wants to "be there" for Simon and Sydney, and Liz is soon to figure out that Maria is lapsing back into wacky mode when she veers into psycho territory with the line, "A girl needs a mother." Yikes. Liz reminds Maria that she is seventeen and in high school, and Maria begins to fake cry and talk about how sad the whole situation is. "My mother was married when she was seventeen." Liz asks if Simon said something to her about this potential arrangement ("He said he liked my voice!" Gack), and this fairly snaps Maria into reality with the sentiment, "I'm gonna marry Brody?" Who? Oh, yeah. "What am I, crazy?" Liz says she's not. I say she is. Shut up, Liz. Liz suggests that the best approach she could take is to just "leave them alone. Their time is precious right now." Maria weeps on that "it's Christmas, and Christmas is supposed to have happy endings and miracles." She probably keeps talking, but whatever speech she might have cobbled together is instantly drowned out by the dulcet tones of Foreshadowing climbing onto the Christmas Pageant stage, commandeering a nearby mic, and crooning the entirety of "O Come All Ye Contrivances" in both the English AND the Latin. 'Cause that man has talent, people.

Liz spots Max and hugs Maria as we cut to Isabel introducing herself to the pageant attendees with her laundry list of holiday-themed accomplishments, up to and including, "The Christmas Nazi." If there were any Jewish citizens of Roswell, New Mexico, they would now take the time to become as incredulous about the nickname as I once hypocritically pretended to be. And so the pageant begins, as a number of tykes make their way on stage wearing fairy costumes and the like. Slo-mo of Liz running up to Max and whispering in his ear. Close-up of Simon. Close-up of Sydney. Slo-mo coma sets in. Jacob Gnarly shows up out of nowhere (because that's what they DO, people) and informs Max, "Looks like we have a plan." "We"? What are you, his partner? Do you get a commission with God for completing the pass on this? You didn't do anything. Sigh. I hate dead people.

The House That Government Subsidy Built. This scene has been lifted almost verbatim from every script of this show ever, with the addition of a new character possessing almost as much in the way of charisma as any of the other characters in the room. That's right. The Jetta's bumper, front and center. Michael is angry and obstinate; Max attempts a yawning sense of reason. Michael: "You heal her and you leave behind a silver handprint. That's a big fat clue, seeing there's aliens in Roswell." Wha? Max retorts that Nasedo-as-Pierce destroyed the Special Unit's files, and that "it's possible that no one even knows who we are or what the silver handprint is." Well, taking for granted that internal logic, the central conflict of the show has been resolved and the series can be cancelled, no? I'm just sayin'. Does this episode seem like it's taking place completely out of sequence from everything that's happened in this series ever? Isabel reasons that what they've been though in the past year "starts to take its toll," agreeing that if Max feels strongly enough about this, then he has to go ahead and do it. Ditto Tess. Michael observes, "I guess that makes me the odd man out," adding, "call me a selfish jerk [okay, you're a…oh, not me? Sorry], but I don't think we should risk everything so you can feel a little better about yourself at Christmas." Hey, that's true. And, um, why can't Max tell them why he has to restore the balance? Max admonishes, "Michael," and in the process sounds exactly like William Daniels as KITT admonishing an oft-recalcitrant Hasselhoff on Knight Rider. "Michael." Hee. Now that's TV for you. Michael grouses amongst his broken-down apartment and his trash-heap Christmas present that he's being voted down "three against one." Way to help out the cause, Little Slummer Boy.

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Roswell

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