A Roswell Christmas Carol

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
Fa la la la...not

And back at the Den of Porno, Kyle and the house's namesake resume the position on the couch, this time watching…bowling? I know I used a line once about The World Championship Olympics of Data Entry, but I don't know if was in a Roswell recap or somewhere over on Twin Peaks, but if I've never used it here, that's what I think they'd be watching if it were on TV right now. 'Cause man, they'd watch bowling. So really, they'd watch anything. Tess enters through The Door Tess Enters Through -- the one that momentarily obscures the boys' view of the TV when she walks in front of it -- and asks Kyle to go fetch some chairs for a beautifully decorated dining room table. Kyle responds that they "don't have any other chairs." She asks if only having two chairs seems a little odd for any reason, and Porno pulls off my favorite line of the night, deemed so because it really makes me laugh every time I see it and I have no freakin' idea what it means: "Well, we used to have more chairs. But over the years, our collection has dwindled." Porno scarfs a chip and informs Tess that they usually eat in front of the TV, as Kyle ad-libs (there's no question in my mind) an equally delightful line as Porno's, "He's never gonna pick up this spare. Look within, you putz!" Oh, yeah.

Tess takes a sidebar and chooses this moment to melt down: "I have been cooking for twenty hours, while you two have been sitting on the couch like two beached whales." Tess pronounces the word "been" with an "e" sound longer than this episode has dragged on so far, and on the whole the speech sounds like an exercise in trying to contain her Australian accent from leaping into the room like Paul Hogan shilling an Outback or two when a static audience suddenly presents itself. Porno suggests using his desk chair. But what about Amy DeLuca? Where is she going to sit? Dude, can we reestablish some "can manipulate molecular structure" continuity here, since the "writers" seem to be ignoring the whole of the last eight episodes or so? Why can't she turn a marble into a chair, or a pork chop into a chair, or Liz into a chair? Oh, wait, scratch that last one. Already done. Liz = chair. Really, what's the big deal? Manipulate. Ditto Michael's present for Maria.

Anyway, Porno freaks at Tess for inviting Amy. He leaps off the couch and commences a shirt-tucking-in dance I will uncleverly but appropriately refer to as The Porno Dance. His wailing "when is she coming" question is answered by the ringing of a doorbell and Tess's response, "About now, actually." Porno finishes too-tightly tucking in his pants (more crotch-cam for Porno, thanks) and races for the door as Kyle hastily tries to clean up some chips. Porno opens the door. Amy thanks him so much for inviting her, adding, "I loved your note." Porno tries to go casual. She confidentially adds, "I missed you, too." Where's her turkey? Where's her daughter? Isn't it Christmas? I have Christmas dinner with my family. WHAT'S GOING ON? Is it Christmas Eve? Christmas Day? Christmas Day observed? Purim? Is it Purim?

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