A Roswell Christmas Carol

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
Fa la la la...not

The cover of darkness reigns as Max approaches the front door of Simon from Go's house. He puts a hand on the door and breaks right in, entering all stealthily because it would have been way too easy, and way way too not time-consuming, for him to have just walked up to Sydney after the pageant and patted her on the back with a cancer-be-gone tap. But success in the ol' search-and-seizure approach is exclusively the domain of one Michael Guerin, as Max slides in to discover Jacob Gnarly sitting in a chair in front of the tree (hey, make yourself comfortable, Spiteful Claus. Did you find the cookies? Good. Because they weren't for you), again looking admonishingly up at Max. I don't know about y'all, but this cat is really starting to piss me off big time. His faux-concern escalates: "It's too late, Max. They rushed her to the hospital." A pause. "Boy, do you have a dilemma." The pages of Ghost and now Pet Sematary completely chewed and spat out to within an inch of their basic papyrus-related properties, Jacob Gnarly is now the Matthew Perry character in the short-lived eighties sitcom Second Chance. Remember that show? It sucked.

Cut to Max knocking on the door of The House Government Subsidy Built. Michael opens the door, and Max takes no time in informing him, "She had a relapse. She's in the hospital in Phoenix." Michael grabs The Coat The Government Subsidy Sewed and insists that he's going with Max, claiming, "I just want to keep you from getting us all killed." Because the man knows his breaking, people. And he sure as hell knows his entering.

Back at the Den of Porno, the place is full-tilt festive because wine, like, totally rocks and stuff. Porno and DeLucawitz rehash their past dealings, including the amount of times Porno arrested her and how he knew her when she was just seventeen which, if you'll refer to whatever recap it was in which we first meet her, is believed by me to be her present age. Tess is putting dishes on the table, and Kyle looks at her in awe when she puts down some glassware containing "three-cheese potato gratin," which Tess remembered was Kyle's favorite. Whoa. I smell a future "Roswell Trivia" quiz. See you in three years in that still-burgeoning thread on the forums. Tess retires to the kitchen, and Kyle follows her in, thanking her for the great bounty before them and blah. He asks if she needs help carving the turkey, and she runs a hand across the top of it and the thing separates into cleanly carved slices, which I guess is a practical trick but is a pretty yucky effect (listen to the sound editing on that shot…actually, lunge for the mute button if you have a shred of sense left in you) overall. ["I could practically hear Ron Popeil having an aneurysm during that shot." -- Sars] Kyle tells her that it's hard to conjure the Christmas spirit with just him and his father doing their brown guy things in the brown guy house, and Tess stares in at Porno and DeLucawitz yucking it up and observes, "Well, it looks like he's got the spirit now." Kyle thanks her for "the great gift" she gave him. She tells him that this whole thing is a "great gift" for her, too. She's thanking him for being allowed to prepare an entire meal and clean house for the sole express purpose of pleasing her master, the lord of the manor? I guess her "great gift" of the season is a little feudal construct I like to refer to as "indentured servitude." Nice job with the giant feast and all. Now back in the bottle, Jeannie. Master says it's time. Good thing they're cute together.

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