Roswell
A Roswell Christmas Carol

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Fa la la la...not

Michael knocks three times, but Max is inside on a damn goodwill tear. Max plunges to the floor, weak from all of his goodly greatness, and a nurse calls for security to come in and chase down whatever is going on in that room. Michael makes it to the other side of the door and seals it shut with his hands. He runs over to attend to the fallen Max, and as the clamor of the law-enforcers outside the room grows, Michael looks up at the sky and reverently whispers, "If there's a God, please help us now." There's not. No just God would allow for it. For this. No one. Cancel Christmas. Yuck.

Commercials: Actually, never mind. I'm still mad.

The gaggle of nurses and security guards finally breaks down the door to the room with a chair, entering to find the children of the pediatric oncology ward jumping on their beds and singing merry songs. Because when helpless children are no longer afflicted with the egregious scourge of TV Cancer, they automatically become a group of happy, well-adjusted youngsters. And they also know how to play patty-cake! Cool. The security guard looks at an open window across the way, and an attending nurse takes the time to smile warmly, because I guess she somehow knows an alien cured cancer. I hate this show.

Chez Evans. The family sits at the kitchen table watching a news report showing a mother holding her son and wailing, "Our baby is okay. The cancer is gone. It's a miracle. We prayed every day. And…and God spoke." Oh, fabulous. Just what the world needs: six more happy blond families of born-again Christians. I look forward to meeting with them again sometime, perhaps handing out leaflets in an international airport near me or knocking on my door with inspirational hymns at the exact same moment I choose to sit down to dinner. Bangs notes, "Now that is a miracle." Mr. Evans says something about the news report saying the kids were all on experimental medication, and perhaps that was to thank for their rush to recovery. Bangs counters that each of the children had a handprint on their stomachs, and actually deigns to add, "If that doesn't get you to believe in God, then I don't know what does." Dude, if I weren't so busy writing this recap, I can tell you that I would be using my incredibly fast typing fingers to compose a strongly-worded letter to the WB about that last statement right there. I'm too swamped to go all Abe Simpson on their ass, but know I'm peeved. Again. Bangs asks if this miracle of life is enough to get Max to join them for "midnight services" tonight. It's day again and it's still Christmas Eve? Either way, it's kind of late in the episode to be plot-developing for the snowy dénouement to come, don't you think? This moment comes to us compliments of Basil Exposition's well-meaning but chronically tardy second cousin, Monty Exposition.

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Roswell

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