A Roswell Christmas Carol

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
Fa la la la...not

Maria tears into The House That Government Subsidy Built as Michael finishes polishing up The Bumper That Government Subsidy Soldered, Sanded, And Polished. She thanks him for his actions with Sydney, and he responds that he was against the whole thing to begin with. Maria claims that this experience has served as a big ol' wake-up call, telling him that she doesn't need a silly gift. Michael smiles and tells her, "I actually got you one." She's happy, and grabs the covering off the bumper, which now gleams like new. She tells him it was very thoughtful of him. That it was original of him. That she never would have bought one for herself. He kisses her on the cheek, and a not-wholly-awful "Merry Christmas" is administered. Pause. "So you want to exchange gifts now?" See, because she thinks there's another present besides the…oh, you say you get it? Maria indicates the pile of gifts Isabel left behind, asking repeatedly which one is hers.

Michael slowly approaches the pile ("Look through the paper," I bellow from my couch, amazed that I'm still invested emotionally in this episode at all. "LOOOOOOK THROOOOOOUGH, DAMMIT!") and picks up a small package with a card reading, "Michael, Just in Case. Love, The Christmas Nazi." He pulls off that card to find another one reading, "Maria, Merry Christmas. Love, Michael." Relieved sigh. She unwraps it gleefully while he prays in a far more Lord-in-vain way than he did in that earlier scene. Pearl earrings. Real pearls. Maria sits on the big lug's lap and frets about "the fortune" he must have spent on them. She continues on, "I don't need this gift. This year my gift is you." He asks hopefully if she doesn't want the earrings. Oh, but she's keeping the earrings. They hug and hug.

Liz primps for God in front of her mirror when Max appears at the window to her room. She lets him in with a self-satisfied "I hear you went to Phoenix." She marvels at his ability with "healink all those kids," and he gets all hushed tones with the rationale of why he decided to heal them all: "After I healed Sydney, I looked at the face of the boy lying next to her, and thought, 'How can I not? How can I not use my gift?'" Liz responds that it's a beautiful sentiment for him to want to save everyone, but goes on, "Maybe there is someone or something out there that's planning all of this. And maybe you have to respect it." It's true, again, but the taker of the Hypocritical Oath shouldn't be the one giving this speech. Because by Liz's logic, her continued existence on this planet is nothing more than a gigantic cosmic mistake. One which must be rectified with all great haste. More Liz: "You're not God, Max. You're the one who told me that." She asks if he'll come to the midnight service (is the word "Mass" on strike? ["non-Catholics don't go to Mass" -- Sars]), and he responds that he wants to, but "I don't believe in God." I've been at funerals of family members I've actually liked that have laid it on less thick than this.

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