Roswell
A Roswell Christmas Carol

Episode Report Card
Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Fa la la la...not

My Roswell Christmas stocking was stuffed with tertiary characters this year, as we cut to Chez Evans to join Diane "She Bangs" Evans and Mr. "The Ghost Of Christmas Why-Won't-You-Just-Get-In-The-Past-And-STAY-THERE" Evans, flanking Max on either side while Bangs regards a newspaper heralding, "Father of Two Dies Heroically in Tragic Accident." The cutaway is too quick to know for sure, but I think the smaller print just below the headline trumpets, "Autopsy determines no numbers found tattooed on upper forearm; townsfolk instructed to be saddened by death after all." Bangs recaps for our short-term convenience, "This man gave his life to save his daughter. This man is a true hero." Mr. Evans, momentarily relieved that mid-season contract negotiation didn't leave him the dead "father of two" in question, at least for the time being, takes pains to establish himself as an essential component of the episode, asking Max, "Where's the Christmas Nazi?" Oh, you're so in, Mr. Evans. Max responds that the Christmas Nazi was outside examining the Christmas lights for "errant bulbs." I guess any of the bulbs determined to be unfit for Christmas are removed from the house and forced at gunpoint to dig their own graves in the backyard with tiny shovels. This goes for the red lights, the yellow lights, the ones shaped like pink triangles, and especially -- ESPECIALLY -- the black ones. It will be a white Christmas for the Christmas Nazi, snow or no snow.

And finally, she appears. The Christmas Nazi, a.k.a. Isabel "God Chest Ye Merry Gentlemen" Evans tears into the kitchen, dragging the tree Max bought behind her and sniping, "Max, this is by far the most pathetic Christmas tree I have ever seen. Did you even refer to my diagram?" He grouses that "something came up" and that he had to get the tree that very morning instead of last night. She berates further, preaching that she could have "squeezed in time to get it [her]self between the hunger drive and Christmas dinner at the nursing home." So mean to him she is! Way to slice up the fruitcake, Isabel dear. If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Bangs vamps that Joe Dead Guy's family lived four blocks from them, and the spacey jams kick up and Max looks across the room to spot Joe Dead Guy sitting on top of the washing machine with his hands clasped together and looking very, very blameful. Creeeeeeepy. Max stands up and approaches, as Isabel spots him walking away and fumes, "Oh, great, he's doing laundry now." Because the dual concepts of "Christmas" and "laundry" are so mutually exclusive. More staring. Max speaks: "I'm sorry." Max's newly acquired, external, ghostly conscience speaks: "How could you let me die?" Shut up, loser dead guy. Shut up, Jacob Gnarly.

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Roswell

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