Roswell
A Roswell Christmas Carol

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Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Fa la la la...not

Ouch! My ears done bleed figgy pudding at the start of this next scene, and the reason for it, amazingly enough, is not Maria's singing. For once. The reason is the deafening shout-out of the Christmas carolers who stand in front of Jacob Gnarly's house, treating the bereaved wife and her two young children to a rollicking rendition of "Jingle Bells." Maria and the other carolers are singing from a book called Christmas in Song, which is the exact book I use when I…okay, fine, I sing Christmas carols at a restaurant in New York during the month of December with a quintet. In a Santa hat. For money. Sigh. Don't we all feel better now that it's out in the open? Anyway, the book they're using, this Christmas in Song, features an elaborate color drawing that takes up the front and back covers of the book, an artist's rendering of a group of happy carolers in hats and scarves standing in front of a horse-drawn carriage and entertaining a group of party revelers who have come out of a house to see what's going on outside. Oh, and it's all so very merry indeed. So merry, in fact, that we started conversationally referring to the book as Gay Christmas in Horse-Drawn Song, which is even more hypocritical than the nice Jewish boy from Long Island admitting he's a caroler-for-hire, considering the amount of grandstanding I've done so far in this recap about how words can hurt and all that. Oh, and have I mentioned that my insistence that we arrive early and act professionally both towards the restaurants' patrons as well as its owner has earned me the informal nickname amongst my friends of "The Christmas Nazi"? Oh, I didn't mention that? Well, maybe that's because this recap isn't all about me. Or, at least, it's not supposed to be. I'm glad we were able to clear the air on some of this. I've never felt so close to you all in my life.

So Maria and the Mariettes sing "Jingle Bells" in unison, which we professional carolers [buffing fingernails against shirt in the ultimate form of smug self-satisfaction] know is not at all how it's written anywhere in the pages of Gay Christmas in Horse-Drawn Song. Mrs. Gnarly looks sadly down as her daughter, holding her best friend Snuggle The Fabric Softener Bear, smiles at the carolers. I don't want to be crass here, but don't they have things to do? Like, say, making funeral arrangements? Or contacting his parents? Or getting that little girl who watched her father get mowed down by The Ford Fiesta Of Doom to a crisis counselor, like, immediately? Or any number of non-"Jingle Bells" oriented activities I might take the time to list here? Max stands back in the shadows, several feel behind the carolers, looking upon them as if to say, "Caroling, whatever. My upper body is the original Jingle Bell Rock. Right here." But these muses are presently interrupted by the walking-dead presence of Jacob Gnarly, who sidles up to Max and accuses, "What are you doing out here?" Max responds that he wanted "to make sure they were all right." Gnarly claims that "they're not." Max defends himself with an oft-heard truism, "If I had exposed myself last night, there were people I would have put at risk." Jacob Gnarly rehashes the old "it was okay for you to heal Liz Parker blee blah" story which still reigns supreme as the most significant plot development this show has to offer THIRTY-TWO EPISODES LATER. Max promises to look after Gnarly's children, "until they're okay." Gnarly fumes, practically screaming, "They'll never be okay, Max. Don't you understand that? They lost their father last night!" Oh, boo hoo, Mr. Self-Important. I mean really, they look fine. Did you know that the second verse of "Jingle Bells" ends, "He got into a drifted bank and we, we got upsot"? It does. It's right here. Right here on Page 17. Heh. "We we."

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Roswell

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