Behind The Music

Episode Report Card
Djb: C+ | Grade It Now!
Her boyfriend's back and he's gonna be in trouble

The candles are burning low. The sex dinner has been consumed. The highly comedic canoe ride where Hal's oar doesn't reach the water and he just doesn't understand why because he's seeing her inner beauty, dammit has been taken. And now Maria and Hal sit at the kitchen table, Hal breaking out a photo album and humiliating Maria with photographs of the two of them back in their band camp days. Hal announces, "There she is! Right there!" Cut to screencaps of Maria in the pilot, with Hal's scrawny frame Photoshopped in, standing behind her playing a guitar. She demands, "Look at my hair!" I have. And shall again, when the first episode of this series is rerun next week. All of which is to say, thirteen my ass. A dizzying close-up on the hair ensues as Hal tells us to "see what I see. Dreams. This girl has beautiful dreams. And she makes beautiful music." Awwww. Maybe Hal isn't so shallow after all. Hal asks, "So what happened to her?" Maria tells him, "Nothing. She just grew up." Almost patronizingly, Hal is all, "Right." Yeah, um, could you buy a razor and a clue with some pennies from that trust fund, pal? Some of us have jobs here. I take it back, Hal. You are shallow. And I hate you.

Michael is digging a hole. He asks Max, who is in the trunk of his non-Jeep, if it's deep enough. It is deep enough. What's going on? Michael lets us know: "Maxwell, we've been up all night collecting every conceivable alien artifact that ever crashed on this godforsaken planet, including all of Tess's stuff. I'm tired." Tension stirs as Michael's healing stone fails to materialize, but a ringing phone once more substitutes for the rational development of a scene, and Isabel whines at Max, "Jesse is asking all kinds of questions about you, Max. You're right, Dad is out of control, we have to do something." Michael barks in Max's other ear that he has to do something. And then someone is taking pictures of them from afar.

Our Two Stars, One Slot Battle Of The Puffy Well-Meaning Deep Thinkers continues, as Michael shows up at Maria's house and knocks on the door to reveal a shirtless Hal. He'd been sleeping, apparently dozing in that dreamy otherworld where rampant amounts of obvious armpit hair don't squick out the primetime viewing public when Hal puts his elbow up on the door frame as if to say, "Step into my pit hair." Dude. If Maria was thirteen going on thirty, he's seventeen going on pit hair. Michael notes pursed-lips-ily, "You haven't left yet." Hal confirms that this is so -- for what hologram could successfully transmit such unrelenting quantities of pit hair -- and politely asks Michael, "How's Steve's wife?" Who? "Who?" See, that's what happens when you front-load your lies with all those Steves and Cheryls. It leads to only trouble. Michael asks if Maria is home, charging in past Pitsy Carmichael with the excuse, "I'm here to pick something up." In Maria's room, Michael goes diving under her bed while Hal "finds" just what he came for -- a shirt -- which mercifully finds its way through the thatch of underarm forestry and onto his body. This episode can now end, seeing as the central conflict (icky hair go bye-bye) has now been adequately resolved. As Michael tears through Maria's unmentionables, Hal turns the topic, asking Michael, "When did Maria stop writing music?" Michael responds that she "messes around with it every once in a while," and Hal picks up an acoustic guitar and starts strumming away, asking, "I was just wondering if she'd given up on writing and singing altogether. I mean, she's really good." Michael promises to "keep that in mind," making a break for it to avoid spending any time hunting wild healing stones in Billy's underarm forest. Put down the damn guitar and shut up, Brad Pitt Hair.

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