Roswell
Blind Date

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Djb: F | Grade It Now!
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Keeping My Whitss About Me

What's with this town and cheesy theme parties, anyway? The Crash Festival, The Soap Factory, The UFO Convention, and now the latest in a continuing series of trite misfires masquerading as plot developments, the Blind Date Concert. Fade in on Another Pointless Opening (oh, I'm sorry, did I say pointless? I meant pointless. My mistake) at the Crashdown, featuring Alex "Hanks for the Memories" Whitman fingering his rockin' silver bass and talking trash about how he's going to "kick some ass at these auditions" for, that's right, the Blind Date Concert this Friday night. On shift, in uniform, and apparently cognizant of the recent arrival of a wrecked oil tanker on the floor of the diner somewhere, Liz "Stop the Blandness" Parker mops madly in a vain struggle to add the challenging chore of "sweep" to an ever-broadening acting range which now includes an already diverse repertoire of "whine, mope, and grouse." Liz tells Alex that his band needs a better name than "The Whits," which Maria "I Dream of Jeannie's Hair Stylist" DeLuca enigmatically remarks is "just an 's' away from what you really are." Li'l Hanks utters a sarcastic "that's funny," changing the subject immediately and thus relegating Maria's previous statement to "I don't get it. No, I really don't" status evermore (The Whitss?). Alex cranks the radio, and a DJ explains the precise nature of the physical pain about to unfurl over the course of the next hour: "...the winner of the KROZ blind Valentine dream date..." Win a contest, date a blind guy. Strange contest, but I can't say I'm not a little bit curious. Oh, wait.

Relinquishing the broom and acting against type for once, Liz, finally making sense, brings to light the central thematic focus of the episode with the truest words ever spoken: "This is so stupid." Yes, Liz. It is, in fact, quite stupid. But I don't think she means it in quite the same way I do. She means that it's crazy for anyone to want to go out with someone a radio station picks out for you. Oh, foreshadow's sake! For no sooner are Liz's protests uttered when they are drowned out by the DJ announcing that "we're gonna crown our winner right here at one of our finer local establishments, the Crashdown Café!" Finer local establishments? Yeah, listed in the Zagat's guide under that cutthroat category "Finest Local Cheesy Tourist Diners in the Three-Foot Radius Around the Crashdown Café, Excluding Gas Station Vending Machines and Wild Mushrooms Growing in the Parking Lot." But the floors are immaculate. So the doors to the Crashdown bust open, and in spill both the DJ and the remainder of the Roswell first-season budget in the form of perhaps two hundred gawking extras intended to represent, I imagine, the entirety of the state of New Mexico. Um, don't you people have other wacky Roswell events to go and plan? That "Crazy Hat Day" party at the old Soap Factory isn't going to organize itself, you know. Liz, as it turns out, has won the contest. Clutching her beloved broomstick like it's her endangered children and this is the end of Sophie's Choice, notes the strangeness of winning a contest she didn't even take the time to enter. Oh, silly Liz. When will you learn that pratfalls and slapstick hijinks are part and parcel of having a friend like Maria? I'd go so far as to call it uncanny, if only it weren't so damned predictable. As a clinically epileptic Maria ushers a typically stony Liz over to the teeming throngs, the DJ approaches and offers her some diversity in the way of cheesy tin-foil headgear, replacing her usual antennae with a silver tiara. The mercifully shortest opening sequence in series history thus ends with DJ Creepy asking Liz what thoughts are running through her mind, to which she drearily responds, "It's nothing I can say on live radio." Hmmm. Really? That's so weird, because I didn't think there were any offensive words in the soul-bearing admission: "Keep your hands. Off. My. Broomstick."

Credits: I've never actually tested the theory myself, but urban legend has it that if you play the theme song to this show backwards, it sounds exactly the same.

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Roswell

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