Roswell
Crazy

Episode Report Card
Djb: D | Grade It Now!
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Red, Red Whine

Cut to yet another round of Backlighting for Dollars (correct answer? RED!), where Renee dons a cloistered-monk disguise of some kind while skulking around in the most realistic depiction of "the wrong part of town" to hit my television set since the MTV premiere of the "Beat It" video. She waits. Her watch reads 9 p.m., but the kids do not show. Upon being startled by one of those icky homeless sewer-dwellers, Renee's paranoia kicks up again and causes her to flee. Ordinarily I wouldn't be so scared in such a situation -- but look at all that red!

Por-NO! Por-NO! Por-NO! Yay! Why am I so happy to see him? I don't know why. I just am. Roswell's answer to law unenforcement enters into his pitch-black office and sees shadows skulking in the darkness. And thus spake Porno: "You left without saying goodbye, Ms. Topolsky." He inquires as to her well-being, and she responds with her next in a string of hyperbolic responses that polite society dictates should be confined to, "Fine, thanks. How are you, Porno?" Instead, she tells him that "I'll never be okay again." She's come to see him because no one will listen to her, and launches into her prepared speech about being on the brink of both sanity and mortality at the hands of the FBI and blah blah blah Fedcakes. She accuses, "Did you really think you could kill Everett Hubble and not send up a red flag?" Uh-oh, old episode plot-development recall. If this show becomes plot driven, I am dead. And this scene doesn't help. Renee tells Porno that she was the first FBI agent to make alien contact and told of an alien hunter unit in the FBI that kills, kills, kills. Renee wanted out, even though "once you know about the unit, you don't get out." Uh-oh, mini conflict of interest on the horizon. So I guess that's why she's hiding. Maybe? I guess. Not one to lose a round of "Alien Press Your Luck" without at least trying for Big Bucks, Porno asks her why the FBI doesn't just "swoop in and pick him up" if they're so sure Max is an alien. No whammies. No whammies. No whammies -- stop. Oh, a whammy. Too bad for Porno, who is informed by Renee that the FBI hasn't made a move for the same damn reasons Porno himself has not. Porno offers to help and Renee says it's too late, telling him to contact his old friend Agent Stevens if he wants to know what's going to happen to them all. Agent Stevens, meanwhile, has merely defected full-time to the ratings and quality sanctuary that is The West Wing, hardly a fate as dire as she's making it sound. Maybe she's jealous.

Cut to Porno, late night in his office, generally boozing on the job and trying to contact the dead Agent Stevens. A million dollars he's dead. Won't take that bet? Okay, two billion dollars. No whammies. He calls the FBI. Stevens doesn't work there anymore. He calls Stevens's home. Dead. Surprise.

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Roswell

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