Roswell
Crazy

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Red, Red Whine

Commercials: What does "all day, every day" really mean, anyway? Is it long distance rates offered by AT&T, or the length of time I want Paul Reiser trapped in a room with hungry wolves?

Wacky culinary banter ensues at the red Crashdown as Michael can't cook fast enough for Liz and Maria's numerous customers. And though it's getting more and more difficult to hear Maria from all the way up there on her high horse, Michael reacts to her latest round of relationship begging by proposing a double date with Max and Liz that would make them look like they have nothing to hide, as well as letting him take out his woman in style. To a little bistro I know of called Red, perhaps?

What's the color palette equivalent of a red sun striking a mustard vest? 'Cause that's what color Max's vest becomes, on shift at the similarly shaded UFO Center. A double-speakin' Porno sidles up to Max and lets him know that he can be trusted, saying, "I'm here to protect. Just like I protected you from Hubble the other night." The other night? Check Parker's journal entry, Valenti. That was like ninety weeks ago. Porno pretty much restates Renee's initial advice to Max, but his wig-free and not-dazed-with-psychotic-frenzy validates the argument a little more. For some reason.

Back to the Crashdown, where Alex walks in on Liz and Maria changing for the night. Get used to it, Alex, they're not getting gussied up for you. They drop the change-of-plans bomb, just in time to see the Alien Three entering. Isabel skulks off as usual, and Max showers Liz in an adorable little scented trinket of some kind. Michael, following suit in that comedic way where "poor" still means "hilariously tasteless," hands Maria a crumpled paper bag, the potential contents of which were covered so brilliantly in the forums that I won't try to expound any further. It's shampoo. So I'll just take this uncharacteristic opportunity to state my approval of Maria's hair in this scene. There. I said something nice. Can I cash in my "Get Out of Recapping the Rest of This Scene Free" card now? Thank you. Oh damn, it's over anyway.

Alex and Isabel repeat their earlier conversation at a nearby booth. He wants for them to be together. She can't let anyone in. They are interrupted once more at the dramatic high point of the conversation, as Tesla enters to toss in another round of unsolicited opinions, this time concerning Alex's choice in movie rentals. Tesla and Isabel have plans. Alex is forced onto the street. Decked out in his own gangsta-wear headgear (it looks much more contextualized on him, 'cause he's in a band. Not), Alex walks alone down the darkened and rain-slicked street out of every stylized noir and episode of Silk Stalkings on record. A car pulls up beside him, the window opens a crack, and an unfamiliar voice from within lures him in with the hey-little-kid-you-want-some-Topolsky bravado of, I don't know, an alien hunter with a cryptic list that may or may not contain the name "Alex Whitman." Alex hedges and asks why Topolsky didn't just come herself, and the voice from within non-explains that he'll "take you to her." Sinister as hell. But right on cue, the one-man swashbuckling cavalry that is the reformed Porno pulls up, sirens blaring. The car peels off, and Porno offers to drive Alex home, "no questions asked." Ew. You tell me which one makes you feel more violated and choose that car accordingly. I'm having some trouble making up my own mind on this.

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Roswell

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