Roswell
Crazy

Episode Report Card
Djb: D | Grade It Now!
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Red, Red Whine

Back on the same rocky promontory now featured in the opening credits, the gang of six stands around and wears a whole lotta black. Gee, Mr. Director, I sure do wish this entire sequence could be a little more stylized. Oh, wait, it couldn't possibly be. Someone should tell Liz that no one ever actually stands like that, right leg slightly bent and planted in front of the left, staring meaningfully out over the rocky promontory, all the while pondering the potentially hazardous effect that the unstable climate of a rocky promontory could have on her designer leather. I've only seen such stagy poise with any regularity on television once before, but at least the kids from Fame knew that it was because they were going to start dancing. And nice top-of-the-head-originating ponytail, Tiffany. I think we're alone now. There doesn't seem to be anyone arou-ound. Meanwhile, Alex fields lame inquiries about the potential abductor in the car, and the gang once more comes up snake eyes in obtaining any actual information. Max preaches the benefits of not allowing anyone else -- Renee, Porno, Tesla -- in on their secrets. Agreed? Agreed. They all walk off because that's what the stage directions dictate they do, not out of any logical impetus to do so. Michael and Maria stay behind, and Maria apologizes for her scene at dinner, particularly in light of the weightier issues at hand. They share meaningful gazes. Michael again tries to express his love for Maria, but he's all man and men don't admit their feelings, so Maria lets it go. Oh, men. How they like football and beer and can't share their feelings. Boy, are they from Mars, or what? Ha ha. Kill me.

This must be almost over. Really, it must be. MUST BE. Alex and Isabel are both at the Crashdown, for no other reason than that they all must be in the same place during the impending climax of the episode considering that only two of them have access to a car. Speaking of which, Maria enters that back area place with the lockers at the Crashdown to catch Michael in the process of stealing her car keys. Oh my God, WHY? Oh, wait, we already know why. She soon gets wise to the fact that he intends to see Renee after finding the pet rock on his person, and the verbal sparring kicks up anew. What about what he said to everyone else? What about his feelings for her? Hey, what about the vote, for crying out loud? You think that if you just don't like the adventure you've chosen you can just flip back to the previous page and go to the page where you're NOT drowned by the green slime or eaten by the giant bear? Well, yeah, actually. That's really that only way Choose Your Own Adventure books were any fun to begin with, I guess. But it's her car, she whines. But she's not letting him go alone, she whines. No, he retorts. Yes, she whines. She goes with him. Just like in Episode 6 when he tries to steal her car the first time. Oh, right, that.

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Roswell

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