Roswell
Crazy

Episode Report Card
Djb: D | Grade It Now!
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Red, Red Whine

To the Crashdown dining room we go. Liz can't find any of the other personnel. She runs to the back room, where she finds a note written on a guest check in what is quite possibly the same handwriting as the note in the flowers, reading, "Meeting Topolsky at Buckley Point. Hurry." That's right, kids, put it all on paper. One with a carbon copy layer on it, no less. Way to keep a low profile.

Maria, the crown princess of total, freakish irrationality in this world and any other, stops Michael in the middle of the trip and demands to be let out of the car. "You can't make me go through with this. You can't put me in danger like this. Not if I don't wanna go." If you don't wanna go? But wait a second. Oh, who cares. I'm just glad she's not my girlfriend.

Cut to the remaining four in the Alienmobile, where a steaming Max seems ready to make good on the promos for once and kick some bad-boy Michael ass. Cutting back to the Jetta, Maria and Michael share a screaming fight that once again includes Maria's hopeful threat, "Whether you like it or not, we are in a relationship." The Alienmobile pulls up, and Max climbs out and begins shouting demands for the orb: "We trusted you with it and you blew it." Then Max reels back and hits him. Yee-freakin'-haw! Now turn that golden glove of yours on Parker and you'll really see that fan support I've been reading about in all the papers. As a result of being hit, Michael feels it necessary to stand dumbstruck and consider the situation in its totality for a moment before shrewdly deducing, "You hit me." They tussle momentarily, and I think Michael might finally get beat up and I wouldn't even have to feel bad about it in an ethical, child-protective-services kind of way. But alas, headlights blaze anew, and the wheels of both the car and the action grind to a simultaneous halt. From the car emerges an alien shape-shifting bad guy who, for some political reason I'm not clever enough to infer, used his wonder twins powers to assume the spitting image form of upstart Republican presidential candidate John McCain. Go figure. McCain steps out of the car and toward the gang, informing them that Renee won't be meeting them. Porno walks onto the Buckley Point sound stage from another direction to back up McCain's story that he's a psychiatrist from a mental institution where Renee has been since she disappeared from the sinking ship of the first eight episodes of this show. The good doctor tells the gang that they've found Renee, and that she's back in Bethesda and once again under the best psychiatric care available. Translation: dead. Quelle surprise. FYI, Michael, I learned that at the French Club meeting. That's what they do there. Since you asked. McCain takes off. Michael spies the orb lying near a tree, and Max advises, "We'll come back for it." But just as Porno seems to be passing it by, he stops at said tree and retrieves said orb. Michael sucks.

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Roswell

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