Roswell
Destiny (2)

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I Want It Crap Way

Credits: Everybody (yeah yeah)! Rock your body (yeah yeah)! Everybody, rock your opening credits right. Dido's back, all right!

Viva la chase montage! A rather extended, blissfully word-free sequence features Max and Liz running and falling and then standing up for the purposes of running once more. Through puddles and metal tubing, through hills and valleys, through the preexisting set for the last third of every John Carpenter movie ever, through Howie's smirk-inducing name in the endless string of opening credits, they run and run and run. Finally coming to rest in what looks to be the rotting carcass of the sadly felled Mystery Machine, Liz unsyntactically observes that "we gotta hide." Max, still glistening with fever dream delusion, looks to be just about the least aesthetically appealing representation of a governmentally-intervened-upon alien since ET turned all white and scary, but nothing stops Liz from leaning in for another ill-timed smooch. She is quickly punished for her wanton ways, however, with a flash from last week's episode of Max being tortured, Max being submerged in ice water, Max being fed after midnight. Oh, say, careful reader and angry critic, should you have just sneered away from your computer and muttered, "Yeah, he used that line last week," I will direct your attention back to the screen, where they used that entire sequence last week. So nyah. "Yeah, but it wasn't funny then, either." Shut up.

Over in the Alienmobile, Tesla berates the rest of her captive audience, insisting that they never should have left Nasedo behind. Michael observes that there was gunfire and that Nasedo might not have made it out alive, and Tesla responds that they should attempt to meet him at the pod chamber, where Nasedo would know to find them. Why? Who cares. Season finale. Isabel observes that they can't just change the original plan of going to the pre-established location (which I don't want to embarrass myself again trying to spell), but Tesla observes that without Nasedo they have nothing. All of which prompts Alex, who I wasn't even aware was in the car, to pipe up that "we said we'd meet at ga-LEE-nus," confirming for everyone else that they won't be leaving anyone behind anymore. Sigh. Thanks, Alex. For making me look like an idiot. Again.

Back to the Mystery Machine interior, Max has just finished, unsurprisingly, telling Liz "everything." She stands up morosely after determining that Tesla is Max's destiny, and, with huzzahs and high fives in copious supply, Liz once again begins to cry. Hey, they could be a Backstreet Boys song right there. "Huzzahs and high fives in copious supply/You are my baby, never gonna make you cry. 'Cause I looooooove you, Sexypants. Yo yo yo, BSB's so street/I'd like to find a girl who's really, really neat. 'Cause I loooooooove you, sexy sexy sexy pants." That snippet, by the way, was from Backstreet Boys upcoming album "Bad Career Moves in Cameo Form," and it's their first smash single, "I Love You, Sexypants." For those among us left wondering. Anyway, furthering the indispensable "it's written in the stars, you just have to leave me alone" platform that all of Liz's previous boyfriends longed for but just weren't smart enough to dream up themselves, Max says he just wishes that everything could go back to normal. You know, the kind of normal when Liz and Max saw each other twice a week in science lab and barely knew each other. That kind of normal. And I long for it myself sometimes. But we can't go back. Liz wishes that she could have stopped Max from saving her life that day in the Crashdown. Yeah, sister, get in line. Let me know and I'll be glad to reverse the effects. But if all of this were not enough, the true pathos of this scene stops the action dead in its tracks, as Liz stands up, paces a step or two in each direction, and, disturbingly and irrationally, begins to act: "Max, the day the you saved my life, your life just ended." No, Max insists, ripping chapters directly from his committed-to-memory acting guide Delivering Shockingly Exhausted Dialogue with a Glazed-Over Trancelike Sameness, "That's the day my life began." When he was trapped in the white room, where "they did [self-conscious wince + glacial pause = anal probe, and I simply can't say that enough times] what they did to me," she was the one who kept him alive, all he could think about was her, and blah blah blah cold-metal-against-fleshcakes. She is his destiny, always. He expresses his love for her and they kiss for a hundred hours.

Meanwhile, back at ga-LEE-nus, Porno pretties the place up a bit with some hanging lights in an attempt to subvert the stark lack of moody ambience of the "back of the bicycle shop" Arnold and Willis stumbled into on The Most Special Very Special Episode of Diff'rent Strokes ever, no matter how similar Porno's lascivious intentions seem to be to that store's proprietor. The remaining gang enters to discover Max and Liz still missing, even though the Alienmobile "took the long way" to the meeting spot. Er, why? Oops. Almost forgot the season-ending "who cares" clause. Michael expresses concern that it will be getting light soon, and Porno offers to retrace the route. Michael comes along for the ride, but before he's out the door Maria beckons him back with a worried, "Michael!" He runs back and offers up a comforting hug or two, Porno looking on impatiently with a sneering puss that sullenly observes, "Ah, yes, the girlfriend. There's ALWAYS a girlfriend, isn't there? Grrrr." Cut back to a final moment in the Mystery Machine, which actually appears by day to look disturbingly like the set from the Hilary Swank/Chloe Sevigny consummation scene near the end of Boys Don't Cry. It really does. Check that out sometime. Watch this episode again, I dare you. Anyway, Max and Liz hear the sound of a car approaching, so they bolt back off to do some more running, inspiring the solely-Backstreet-Boys-soundtrack I have singlehandedly invented for this episode to kick up anew: "Run run run, we'll run together into the night/There'll be no more anal probe, we'll put up a fight. They can't keep our love apart, baby/Won't do no gov'ment dance, We'll be warm and be protected, inside a pair of your sexy pants. 'Cause I loooooooove you, sexy sexy sexy pants." You just sit back and watch this be their biggest song, like, ever.

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Roswell

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