Destiny (2)

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I Want It Crap Way

Commercials: Yes, yes, yes! I want to dance. I want to laugh. I want to flirt. But if I have to spend the rest of my life wearing Payless shoes to do all that, maybe I'll just sit here quietly and frown.

And we're underground again somewhere, Tesla, Michael, and Isabel deep in conversation about Michael using his powers in front of Porno and what exactly it all means. Alex, who again shocks me just by his very existence in this scene, pipes up from a cobwebbed corner of the set, "So what's Valenti gonna do? What are we all gonna do?" At which point, from the top of the steps, lit by blazing desert sunshine, Max descends to what I envision should include a fanfare of trumpets and the shameless bowing of heads and averting of eyes as he utters the comfortingly character-appropriate line, "We're gonna think this through." Tesla suggests that the Alien Four find Nasedo and ditch the highly irrelevant excess baggage of everyone else on this show. And dramatic as it sounds, logic dictates that the key to happy survival and success as an out-of-this-world species is putting as many planets between yourself and Liz Parker as intergalactically possible, and just as quickly. Losing the other two in the process isn't exactly a deal-breaker either. Sadly, no one else seems to think this is such a fabulous idea. Safe earthbound counterparts win out yet again, leading to another round of those really awkward hugs the couples offer up in times like these. But even with her come-hither Pippi Longstocking pigtails and that crafty brain trick that can make people think that they like her for ten to fifteen seconds at a time, Tesla remains without anyone to hug. So what do they do? Well, according to an increasingly proactive Max, there is only one thing to do. They can't run, they can't live normally, they can't make another episode without the permission of a network planning to allocate actual American currency to create thirteen brand-new installments of Jack and Jill and probably, just because they're on a creative development roll, a spin-off of Movie Stars and an entirely new affiliate system called "The Safe Harbor Network." What possible actions can be taken in this bafflingly logic-free zone? And thus spake Max Evans: "We have to fight!" Thank you, oh Bill Pullman-esque underdog fighting guy. And then there's this Chinese riddle of a pep talk: "Pierce does know who we are. But we also know who he is. And we're stronger than he thinks. We may even be stronger than we think." Eh? Furrowed brows and curious glances all around, no one wanting to admit that Max's impassioned call to arms sounds like it came from a GRE reading-comprehension section translated from English to Japanese and then back again. Maybe, wonders the collective viewing public of me, it's a line from the Roswell-inspired smash pop single "I Love You, Sexypants." 'Cause I, like, totally love that song. Totally.

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