Roswell
Destiny (2)

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I Want It Crap Way

Liz: You told them both at the same time to go to HON-doh?
Tesla: Pierce told them to go to HON-doh.
Liz: You just do that with everyone, make them see things that aren't even there?
Tesla: Sometimes it's easier to do that than to make someone see something that's right in front of her eyes.

"Gee whiz," I thought aloud while transcribing this dialogue that snapped, crackled, and popped like so many crunchy rice cereals. This virtual firestorm of filler dialogue is the perfect sequence to quote in its entirety. Why? Who cares. Season finale. Okay, fine, first of all, eh? EH? Haven't we covered my inability to cope with impenetrable phonetic issues already? 'Cause I thought maybe we did. Second, hasn't Liz asked Tesla about that power? Hasn't she seen it in action? Like eleven times? No, not eleven. Closer to a billion, maybe? And what does that last line, spoken for some deeply representative and metaphoric reason I'm at a complete loss to understand, even mean? Her? Her eyes? Does she mean Liz? I don't get it, which means Liz certainly doesn't either. Cut back to Kyle asking for an explanation of his own, but before the suited agent can start talking, kamikaze Max Evans comes bursting onto the scene, taking down the agent guy and rendering Kyle almost pointless enough to never have been on camera at all, a feeling he should be rather comfortable with at this point in the show's non-development. Max takes said ill-fated suited agent and locks his unconscious body in the closet, informs Kyle that Porno is okay, and takes off. But the many months of script neglect has led Kyle to a level of bitterness cured only by staring at one of his father's guns, lapsing into sinister slo-mo, and taking the damn law into his own hands. Think he's putting himself in some kind of danger here? As if we've had any clues to that effect encoded in the excessively agile script. And the incidental BSB-sanctioned scene-change music plays on: "I've loved you like no other, girl/It's always bright and fun. So let's take that next step, and get real hep/When I blow you down with my love gun. I've suffered the slings and arrows/Of you playin' with my heart. I think you're funky and rad and rockin'/And shoot! Girl, you're so smart. Sexypants blah blah blah."

Cut to Porno's office, where Valenti walks in on overly-relaxed Pierce, lounging in Porno's chair and addressing Porno in that I-have-so-got-you-beat kind of way: "If you're here to kill me, Sheriff, it won't do any good. There'll be a new man in charge of the unit in twenty-four hours." Porno admits that he's scared. Pierce accuses Porno of having been sent there by the aliens, and Porno looks almost dazed and forbidding enough for me to believe that he's crossed back into eeeeeeevildom without so much as a word of warning to the coddled audience. But I'm almost entirely certain that this is not the true nature of plot development here, as that would qualify as an "interesting twist," and it's better for the "writers" not to get caught playing with story-writing toys too big and scary for them to understand. Porno tells Pierce that the intrepid alien youths are currently disabling his agents, and Pierce responds by actually turning on his radio, perhaps a tool he should consider monitoring a bit more stringently here in this time of worldwide alien panic. Porno lies and offers to help, telling Pierce that he and his family must remain protected following their full disclosure. Sanity wanes as we get thee to commercial.

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Roswell

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