Destiny (2)

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I Want It Crap Way

Sidebar: After the commercial break, this episode of Roswell is now inexplicably rated TV-PG. Get ready for titties and beer in the second half, folks. Whee!

Meanwhile, over in the public-access, twenty-four-hour UFO Center, all covert parties have once again skirted the radar of any interested violent death enforcers and found the time to run home to their safe suburban houses, shower, freshen up with lotions and unmentionables of numerous varieties, let their parents know exactly what's what so the eight cell phones they for some reason seem to share between the six of them don't go ringing right out of their designer hand bags, and make their leisurely way back to the scene of this week's electrifying conclusion just after sundown. Again, I'll admit it, as I have so many times before: these kids are nothing short of astonishing. Isabel and Liz enter the upstairs private offices we've spoken of before, and we pan over to spy, amongst the red, Porno and Pierce lurking in the shadows. Pierce informs Porno that they'll have to "shoot to kill," civilians be damned, and Porno seems to take this news in a surprising amount of stride. Smell we a wacky caper bubbling in that black Roswell cauldron? I believe we do! The house lights are turned off throughout the whole UFO Center, prompting a snarky, "And so go the final, fleeting pennies of the sad, sad Roswell budget" from the couch-bound audience of me. An it's-easier-than-hiring-stunt-doubles scuffle ensues in the dark. The lights are switched on again soon after to reveal Max and Michael brandishing guns at Porno and Pierce, holding them in that bad-ass sidearm way that actually only typified anything close to "badass" in early-nineties Tarantino films. Cut to Pierce tied to a chair, guarded by Max, Michael holding Porno at gunpoint, and Max speaking the line, "I can't believe I trusted you." But what's this? Is that acrid odor of poorly placed plot twists, mixing with uneven character exploration, the smell of a wacky caper still in progress? Holy good cop, Batman! I think it just might be! Michael escorts Porno out of the frame, and we then cut to some other mysteriously unused and unguarded room of the UFO Center. Michael again rails against Porno, "I always thought you were out to get us." Yeah? YEAH? "And I'm glad you were wrong." Michael puts the safety back on the gun. Hello, ultra-non-realistic gunplay. Dear suburbia: Please stop telling your sons how to operate firearms with such conviction and proficiency. Did you see how Max had, by reflex, shoved the gun in the elastic waistband of his pants after securing Pierce to the chair? I too grew up in a middle-class suburban neighborhood. You had to procure three types of photo ID to buy a lottery ticket. I don't care if they have the law's resources on their side now, it's where all this Dirty Harry adroitness came from in the first damn place. Did I mention that I also grew up in a middle-class neighborhood? Kids in my town couldn't shoot a gun. Kids in my town couldn't shoot a basketball. I'm just sayin'. Anyway, Porno was on their side all along, and he even utters the channeling-djb line of the series, encapsulating all the manifold issues I've kept hidden for fear of being ridiculed for my subversive opinions: "It's time for this to be over." 'Cause he's real cool like that.

Clichéd as this is from a "yeah, but how could they have remembered the entire conversation?" perspective, it's much, much easier for me plow right on through this sequence, as Max and Pierce have reversed roles and now Max hurls questions at his captive audience. It's the same dialogue from the opening scene of last week's episode. Go back and read it. That recap was funnier than this one anyway. The camera pans upwards to the office overlooking the proceedings, where Alex doubtlessly opens his mouth only as some elaborate contract fulfillment to "give the Hanks kid some lines" in observing, critically to the action I might add, "Max is pounding him with questions." Oh, REALLY? I half expect the rest of the folks in the room (Maria, Isabel, Liz, Tesla, by the way) to launch into a color commentary on the matter: "Thanks, Alex, for that riveting play-by-play. The thing that's made Max such a success in this arena is that he's a fighter. He's not afraid to get down and dirty with a secret agent government alien hunter eeeevil death guy. And it's that kind of attitude that lets a guy go really far." Or something. Oh, and Isabel is going to try and walk into Pierce's mind and find out where Nasedo is. She finds out, but she thinks he's dead. Tesla says she has the power to bring him back. All she needs are a guy named River Dog, some healing stones, and the most dangerously nonsensical way to tie together all disparate elements of the plot before putting a show out to pasture. Hey, they already have the stones. What an unbelievable coincidence. Fompo, blompo, bompo. And I mean that.

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