Destiny (2)

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I Want It Crap Way

Freaky-deaky subplot ahoy! Cut to Michael and Porno in the back room of the UFO Center, where an unsubstantiated report of Porno being acquainted with a government worker turn out to be false. I have no idea why it came up, and I have no idea why I decided to pass it along.

Wrestling with the rope, the one confinement tool no captured television character has ever, EVER failed to escape, Pierce espies Kyle entering the UFO Center. Kyle knows Pierce as the deputy, and we are immediately clued into the innate bond the two must have doubtlessly fostered in the one episode the deputy appeared, in which Kyle, to no one's surprise, ultimately failed to materialize. I think the guy who plays Pierce must believe himself to be some kind of master of disguise, for when Kyle approaches, the deputy lapses into a vaguely different accent which he might describe as "soft-spoken southern," but which is less Lon Chaney as "The Man of a Thousand Faces" and more Alec Baldwin as "The Mimic" on Saturday Night Live. Pierce tells Kyle to untie him. Kyle does. And then he gives him the gun. This must be why dumb jocks are called dumb jocks.

Hellbent on being just as gosh-darn ruse-tastic as the rest of the folks he's been spending so much quality time with these last days, Pierce shoos Kyle off and pretends to remain bound. So when Max, Michael, and Porno stride sanguinely through the room like they're on their way to some interplanetary Tupperware party on the UFO Center's Golden Girls-esque lanai, Pierce rises, packs heat, and sets the one-second shootout in motion. He shoots once and takes down no one. Porno responds with an absolute shower, a hailing barrage of bullets that veritably lights up the sky around the UFO Center and fells in its path -- not so much as a folding bridge chair. Putting the Daisy Air Rifle down and settling instead for the tawdry ease of voodoo alien powers, Porno steps aside as Michael takes charge, turning the man a shade of white and blowing him straight through the background slide-projector machine in an unspecial effect brought to you this week by the fine folks at the pre-Lucas F/X house Industrial Light and Sawing the Lady in Half. But it's no bother. It was good enough to kill him. Porno picks up the gun Pierce used. It's his. Dazzling twist. For people who speak Cantonese and live in a world without subtitles. Porno finds Kyle. He's been shot, and Porno begs Max to save him. Bloody mayhem and Porno tears ensue. Another magical turn of events. Oh, you "writers," you. Can you never be stopped? And so it goes, BSB-style: "Baby, I know you are an alien/But no one said it wouldn't be any fun. Heal the man and I'll think you're so money/And don't forget to get the blood off of your sexypants, honey!" That one didn't really make any sense at all. Oh, well. Say it with me, folks: Season finale.

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