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Children Of The Corny

Well, it wasn't record time, but it was bound to happen eventually. Cut to two shadows creeping up to an open house door under the cover of darkness. Through said door walk Maria and -- wait for it -- Michael, wielding flashlights and whispering. Maria excruciatingly references that pop-cultural bastion of our time, if "our time" is "Winter of 1996," in giggling, "I feel like we're Scully and Mulder or something!" It's Courtney's house. Michael magically ascertains that "no one is home," so they can begin talking at full volume while, oddly, leaving the lights off and the flashlights on. Maria shines a beam on Courtney's nicer-than-mine CD player and reads from the selections sitting on top, "Culture Club? Wham? The Backstreet Boys? God, she really is an alien, this one." Hey! First of all, way to bite the celebrity-guest hand that fed you for one brief, shining line last season, lady. Next off, shut up, Maria. Just because you can't as easily conjure memories of the time when those bands ascended to the status-confirming American Bandstand darlings they so clearly were doesn't mean they're not culturally viable anymore. They were big, man. Huge. Bigger than Jesus. I mean, hello? Did Jesus ever guest star on The A-Team? That's right. He did not.

Michael suggests they look for "clues" such as "an address book or a calendar," and Maria snarks with jealousy with a line my closed-captioning interprets to the best of its capability with the pretty accurate, "I am having a seizure and seem to have swallowed my tongue." Seriously, what the hell did she just say? Michael is all fake mad, essentially asking, "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?" She picks up a telltale skin and wonders what it is, and is horrified to discover that she's been holding an entire piece of this skin-changing "Karma Chameleon" right in her hands. Walking over to a slatted closet door, Maria decides to give her fake boyfriend "One More Try" before shining a light into the closet and yelping for her "Father Figure" to come and protect her. And why? Because in numerous shades of red, gold, and green, red, gold, and green appears before them a huge shrine to Mikey G. himself, replete with photographs, hearts, and a shirt he lost at work (Metallica? Has she no musical superiority dis here?). Michael wonders how he became "Everything She Wants," and Maria pulls off a pretty good line in responding, "It's Graceland. And you're Elvis." They discover that all of the pictures are shot from the same angle, and Michael decides that she's been staking out an apartment across the street from The House Government Subsidy Built. "Oh," Maria fills in. "That's where she goes to spy on you." But they're on to her now, and Courtney will be caught. Because, as the educated population of the world knows without hesitation and what Maria could afford to come to a more comprehensive understanding that guilty feet have got no rhythm. But I digress. And screw you if you can't take a joke. Ahem. Sorry.

Back in the Alienmobile, Max is now driving as they pull into the EPCOT Center re-imagining of the American Southwest. Looking around the deserted streets of Frontierland, Max pulls up in front of a building marked "Stagecoach Museum" and engages in conversation with a flannel-clad male of approximately their own age with superlatively curly hair. They ask him for directions to the Travolta Center, home of this Dianetics from Hell cult, and he happily asks if they're there for "the harvest." They flinch. Nice poker faces, long-oppressed aliens. Curly points in the general direction of the only other building in Frontierland, then disappears into the Museum, dials The Most Powerful Cell Phone Ever (dude, I can't get a signal in my tiled bathroom, how are you getting one fifty miles from the highway?) and alerts the called, "Four on the way. Non-members." Dude, no need to be all Testy McGillicuddy. Kirstie Alley was once a non-member, too, now wasn't she?

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