Roswell
Heart Of Mine

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Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Ros-what?

Props to Jason Katims. Actual props. Like couches and tables and kitchen knives and iMacs and stuff, falling from great heights and landing on his pointy, pointy little head for this latest, nonsensical massacre. Oh. You didn't think I meant the other kind, did you?

Seven weeks after pop culture so effortlessly moved on, the "writers" have decided that the narrative device of Maria "Shill For The Blackboard Industry" DeLuca standing in a classroom recapping the impossible-to-recap (y'all go ahead and trust me on that one) worked so well in "Leaving Las Vegas" that they'd again forgo conventional "previouslys" and work the quirk with her barking plot bullets all over again. Yes, it was mildly amusing the first time. But we know the routine now. It's over. Played. It's something not funny where something funny once dared to dwell in such a hostile environment, leaving poor Maria the Robin Williams of the opening Roswell montage, where once it was manically amusing and now it's just old and hairy and bloated and sad and will only work for a mass audience provided we all go back on cocaine and find outrageous costuming to be a punch line in and of itself. But I digress. Welcome freakin' back.

"Listen," she rationalizes, shrugging through her humiliation and sending the extra fabric straps of her Asian-themed, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Stylist kimono-ish top flying all around the place. "Just because you haven't seen an episode in quite a while does not mean that life in Roswell has stopped." No, of course not. You'd need a full televised hour of this show to accomplish that level of narrative stasis. "It's been quite busy around here…All right, let's review. Max and Liz, they've been in love ever since Max saved Liz's life at the Crashdown two years ago." Yup. All caught up. Who's for pizza? Pizza and sex, then? Max is an alien who is destined to marry Tess. Shot of -- natch -- the pilot. We learn that "recently, she's begun helping him remember where he came from, so he's been feeling more distant from Liz." Recently? Shot of Max and Tess sitting on a bench together, sharing a moment I can't even remember seeing the first time it aired in the dead of winter, and therefore offers the same "recent" urgency as learning that "recently, the continental drift caused massive volcanic destruction and the woolly mammoth was no more, and then later there was this park bench." Those extra fabric flaps are unbelievably distracting. The F/X folks on this show would do better to conceal those ropes that will help her climb walls and battle for an ancient sword on treetops, come this Ang-Lee-infused sequence's climax. But I wouldn't worry too much about Maria's skills in keeping perspective on the narrating issues at hand. After all, it is said that she trained in public speaking at Wudan.

More floats drift by in this endless Previously Parade. Liz has become close with "My So-Called" Sean DeLuca. Shot of Liz pillow-fighting with Sean, while one of the planet's plentiful dodo birds flies through the frame because that's how freakin' long ago all of this tired shit went down. But. But! "Let me explain to you why this is a really disastrous time in Roswell." Maria sashays over to the blackboard and, in all caps (just another one of the many reasons she'd get booted from the forums), scrawls the word "PROM," which she calls "the ultimate four-letter word." Then I think the writer's strike started early, because this attempt at development is stymied by Maria's sudden belief, "I'd better just get going." Eh? Jade Fox sighting, perhaps? She strolls off-camera, leaving us watching the blackboard and the word "prom." Prom prom primity-prompo prom. I guess that's the end of the episode. You nice folks missing Gilmore Girls half as much as I am yet?

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Roswell

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