Episode Report Card
Djb: D | Grade It Now!
Parental Guidance Suggested

Strangely, the scene that follows is the first to indicate that Liz is a control freak at all, as she lectures a bemused Crashdown staff about schedule changes. She utilizes color charts and graphs set up on a very professional-looking easel. Because she's a control freak. As we have recently learned. Anyway, Maria attempts to enter the dining room, but recoils at the presence of Isabel, who she terms "Queen Amidala." Geek check! Star Wars references are as tacky and passé as white pants after Labor Day. Liz again tells Maria to control herself, and Maria confides that Isabel terrifies her. Liz says that the five of them are all "stuck with each other," and begs Maria to try to be nice. Cut to awkward exchange of Isabel ordering fries from a shaking Maria. Riveting drama, that. And just as Maria seems ready to crack wide open and destroy the fragile truce the Scooby Gang has managed to form, in walks Porno. The plot thickens, congeals to a paste, hardens, and refuses to return to an edible consistency despite several dozen spins in the microwave. Porno approaches the bar and orders a Coke from a flustered Maria, who procures the beverage and tries to get Porno out of there as quickly as possible. But she slips -- Freudian slips, even -- and utters the line, "Anything else I can tell you today, Sheriff?" before amending the correct verbiage from "tell" to "get." But it's too late, as Porno now notices how carefully Isabel and Liz avoid his stares. Ah, finally, the plot event from which these five intrepid teens will have to create a complex ruse to keep ol' Porno in the dark has emerged. Again. For the third episode in, uh, three weeks. Hey, what do a baby's first meal and the inevitable plot of the WB's Roswell have in common? They are both comprised entirely of formula. Oh, come on, people, it's laugh or cry at this point -- who's with me? Anyway, Porno asks a panicking Maria if she's okay, and than leans in too close for my liking and huskily snarls, "I'm here to protect you from anything. You understand?" Oooh, kinky. A father figure of sorts. Sadly, his next line does not include the words "I will be your preacher, teacher," and Porno's shameful flirting with a minor has to be put off until a more opportune time. Liz runs over to defuse the bomb, and the Sheriff is off in a flash. To look for his son, I hope, who until last week had a rather extensive role on this show.

During the commercial break, someone has built several more rooms onto the Crashdown, and we return to find Maria behind the register in a gift shop area which has sprung up out of nowhere. Max walks in to find Maria in a panic about how busy it is. Oh, and the fact that a man named Porno almost tried to make out with her a few minutes before in front of all these people. A tourist family (who look like they could live as close as Michael's neck of the woods) inquires as to the scariness level of the alien museum across the street, unrealistically adding, "There's nothing REAL or anything?" In her developing madness, Maria shortchanges the woman (and if the tourist does in fact live anywhere near Michael, she'll really be needing that bit of extra money FOR BOOZE), but unfortunately cannot leave the Crashdown to return it. So Michael agrees to bring the woman the extra cash, and he finds himself face to face with the UFO Center. He enters to find a group of believers in mid tour, and the guide is none other than sitcom refugee Kenny Bania of Seinfeld fame. No trouble with a nickname for him then, eh? Anyway, the tour is a pretty typical retelling of the space landing in Roswell on that fateful night in 1947. Tourists, when prompted, ask questions calculated to make us squeal, "Ooh, it's like on THIS show!" including "I heard they found some aliens alive?" and "Did they ever come back again, y'know, to rescue the ones in the crash?" After supplying no information at all, Bania leads the group to the next stage of the tour, but not before Max chimes in with the question, "What about 1959?" Bania, sharpening his acting chops with a pretty passable rendition of the stage direction "nonplused," looks around, nonplused. But when no one steps up, Bania keeps moving. Max returns the cash to its proper owner and takes in some family history by peeking in at the alien autopsy exhibit. But when he turns around to leave, there's Bania in his face. And he's got something to say. And it ain't about Ovaltine: "What do you know about 1959?" When Max answers his question with a question, Bania tells Max to come back tomorrow, adding, "I have something you may be interested in." Facts? No. Answers? Nuh-uh. Another sporty bright yellow tour guide jacket like the one Bania's got on? No sir. Ovaltine? Yummy and nutritious, yes, but sadly no. More misguided misinformation about a whole lotta nothing? Now you're on the right track!

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