Episode Report Card
Djb: D | Grade It Now!
Parental Guidance Suggested

Meanwhile, back at the UFO Center, Max asks Bania what he's got on 1959, and Bania produces an old photo of himself as Little Bania Junior, standing in front of an ice cream parlor with a suspicious looking alien shadow on a nearby wall. Max withholds whatever he was ready to spill to this nut, saying instead that he only knew of a sighting near that parlor in 1959. Come to think of it, I'm not exactly sure myself what Max knows about 1959. Bania is clearly disappointed with Max's lack of insight, but tells Max that he needs an assistant to work in the UFO Center, which contains archives described as "the most complete collection of UFO facts and findings ever compiled." Finally, a guy who doesn't need anyone to "tell him everything." But all those booksmarts (or should I say Clippings From The Weekly World News Smarts?) are useless, as Bania unironically points at Max and unironically tells him that he's worked hard to prove the existence of aliens, and "I swear on my mother's grave that one day I will stand face to face with one of these creatures and I will say I told you so." Yeah, we get it. Thanks for playing another round of "Wheel Of Subtle Dialogue." Pat, I'd like to buy an implication, please.

Back at the Crashdown, Maria continues to fall apart, much to Isabel's delight. Porno shows up again for more third degree (and because, I think, he continues to find Maria irresistibly sexy, a concept that disturbs me infinitely). Once again, the script device of obliquely alluding to important themes rears its ugly, unsubtle head. Sheriff, in his conversation with Maria, slides in the lines "Well, you seem to know a lot about what goes on around here" and "It's good to have a strong, dependable institution like that on your side." He moves steadily closer to her during the scene, all the while sporting his too-tight t-shirt that leaves nothing to the imagination. Then Officer Porno (or, considering his repeated lecherous advances on a minor, Office Kiddie Porno) makes his move and asks Maria to come to his office tomorrow. She agrees, and I feel vaguely the way I did when Arnold and Willis found themselves in the back room of the bicycle shop on a very special Diff'rent Strokes. It's not an okay feeling.

Oh, man! Are we in science class again? Jeez, Liz, take an elective. I think it's chem. Oops, I guess my joke about Liz and chemistry wasn't very funny in light of this development. Oh, never mind, it wasn't really that funny to begin with. Max, metaphorically emerging from behind his metaphorical tree, drops a book on the floor as a signal for Liz to meet him under the lab table for a chat. About Maria. Max tells Liz about three thousand times that it's important Maria not crumble in front of Valenti, and Liz responds in about three thousand different ways, "Yes, Max, I know that." So did we, Liz. So did we. Max, get the hell back behind that tree and don't come out until I count to a billion. Or at least until after these here commercials.

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