Episode Report Card
Djb: D | Grade It Now!
Parental Guidance Suggested

Back on Hughes-o-vision, Renee gives each student the results of his or her computer profile. It is a total waste of my perfectly good Fuji HQ 120 VHS Tape. Consider it skipped. Cut to the back of the Crashdown, where Liz coaches Maria on the answers to the questions the Sheriff is about to ask. Maria, decked out in a Catholic-school-uniform-and-men's-tie ensemble which screams, "I'm here if a Eurythmics video should spontaneously break out," argues, "The Sheriff is smart. He's gonna find out the truth, and maybe that wouldn't be so bad. He's Kyle's dad. He's here to protect us." Hey, uh, what the hell happened to Kyle anyway? I am merely curious. Maria lays into Liz for trying to manipulate how she really feels and what she should tell Valenti, ending her rambling, "I am not you, Liz." Insert audible sigh of relief for that truism, eh, Liz?

Cut to auto-body shop, where Maria and Isabel run into each other picking up their cars. They stare. We think, "They share car trouble. Maybe they ARE more alike than it seems." And this has been One To Grow On. And now back to your regularly scheduled unsubtlety.

Back at school, Max, Liz, and Michael morosely discuss their plight. Michael thinks, "Who needs this crap? I have a KEY" and walks away. Max plays the role of understanding nice guy, even though it's really all Liz's fault for telling Maria in the first place. Liz, fishing for compliments yet again, asks Max for the ten billionth time, "So why did you tell me?" Uh, because he saved your life? C'mon, Liz. I'm paying more attention than you are, and I'm not even ON the damn show. Filler, filler, filler, leading to the climax scene. Should it ever come.

Station House. Porno. Maria. Photo of Kyle buried somewhere on a desk in the back. Hey, Kyle! Miss you, man. Welcome to this week's Great Unfulfilled Climax Part III, the anticipatory "AH" for which the cathartic "CHOO" ultimately fails to materialize. Here in Porno's Soliloquy, he shifts tactics repeatedly to try and get Maria to spill whatever she knows. The tone ranges from allied ("I'm here to help you. You know that, don't you?") to accusatory ("We both know why we're here, so what do you say we stop lying to each other?") to conspiratorial ("We've both seen things recently that have made us start to wonder. To question our beliefs.") and back again. Finally, he gets her talking about Isabel Evans, whom Maria, in tears now, admits is "a special girl." And just as she's about to melt down completely, she pulls herself together for the sake of the Scooby Gang, rendering Porno thrice hitless in as many at bats. I invite you all now to come into my dreams tonight and see the good cry I intend to have over this very special ending to a very special episode of Roswell.

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