Roswell
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Episode Report Card
Demian: F | Grade It Now!
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Off. The fricking. Map.

Hello, gang. Demian here. As part of Mighty Big TV's Mighty Big Exchange Program, I'll be taking over recapping duties for this week's episode. Can I tell you how thrilled I am to be here? Well, I won't, because that would be a lie. I think djb knew in advance how toxically dull tonight's installment would be, and foisted it upon me in a pathetic attempt to preserve the tattered remnants of his own sanity. Turns out the joke's on him. This crapfest just got renewed for a third season. Suffer, honey. Suffer.

The evening opens with a bald-faced lie. "Max Evans's enemies will learn his lifelong secret." No, they won't. Because Max Evans's "enemies" no longer exist on this show. They're certainly present in the dwindling audience, but on the show? All antagonists worthy of the name disappeared months ago, and you know it, little Mr. Voice of the WB. So cram it. Bastard.

Abrupt cut to Maria DeLuca, planted once again in front of the Chalkboard of Tritely-Phrased Exposition. Maria would very much like to broach the subject of Brody Davis. Who? Yeah, I'd forgotten about him, too. Unfortunately, the very first shot of the gentleman in question unleashes a rabid pack of memories I thought I'd outrun months ago. Cloying flirtations over pepperjack cheese. Cancer-riddled waifs miraculously cured by El NiƱo Evans just in time for Christmas. A purpose-free road trip to "New York City" that had no subsequent impact on the various storylines. I'm sure that, if pressed, I could dredge up a few more vignettes, but as I tend to watch this program in states of inebriation varying from "moderate" to "my liver is now crawling out of my nose in search of oxygen," specifics tend to get a little hazy. Also, I just noticed something: Brody Davis, oddly-accented eccentric with unruly auburn hair. Bette Davis, oddly-accented actress with unruly auburn hair. Coincidence? Or conspiracy? You decide. Maria helpfully reminds us Mr. Davis is both the millionaire owner of the Roswell UFO Center and the human vessel through which Max's old, old, old pal, Larek, speaks on occasion. She then reviews the events of recent weeks: Pex, by Grace of God King, Emperor of the Scoping Fjords of Sandy Land and Defender of the Ab Slider, getting his unsightly freak on with the InTesstinator. The Lizbot impalink My So-Called Sean on one of its rustink components. The HanksSpawn, unceremoniously fired from the only "acting" job he's likely to hold for a very long time -- or. Was. He?

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Roswell

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