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Death Becomes Them

Attempting to put out the fire caused by the friction of a) attempting to maintain autonomous artistic integrity while b) starring on Roswell, we find ourselves back in the NYC '97 recording studio. Dominique and her recording studio heavies (on loan from a temporarily sidekick-less Morgan Fairchild, no doubt) watch Maria fight rather tunelessly through lyrics that rhyme "fire" with "desire," leading to the refrain, "Touch me the way that you can/The only way that I want to see." Which really differs so radically from the words "We get along but only half the time/The other half you ain't no friend of mine" how, exactly? But as Billy averts his eyes, Maria once again comes to her conscience, stopping mid-verse and asking, "Can we cut it?" Dominique stands up all mad, admonishing, "Okay, darling? You don't cut. I say cut." Because that up-and-comer Leah Andreone has the next slot booked, and if you keep her waiting, she gets pissed, man. Wait, who? Exactly. Maria tells Dominique that "this isn't working for me." She feels weird singing other people's lyrics, that her words are personal to her, that you can only be a true artist if you're singing words that you've written yourself. Just ask anyone who's ever been a lead in a Broadway musical. Or Frank Sinatra. Or Maria when she was a professional Christmas caroler. That's so crazy. I didn't know she wrote "Deck The Halls." Dominique gets all mad: "Are you gonna sing the song or not?" Maria wants to sing her own song. But she's not being given a choice. "Oh, no. You always have a choice. See, you can finish recording this demo. Or you can head back to Roswell." Maria chooses to "head back home to Roswell," walking out with Billy The Great Unwashed and leaving the recording studio flacks in shock. Wait until she gets to tell this story on her own Behind the Music. Except she'll never get to tell that story. Because opportunity is all outside, slamming its head against her door, begging to be let in, and she's treating it like the guy who came to her house to sell encyclopedias.

Does anyone else think that Chrissy Seaver all grown up looks a tiny bit like Elka from The Real World: Boston, or am I the only person on the planet unfortunate enough to have such immediate access to both of those references? So, it's just me, then? Sigh. It's Girls' School After Dark, Liz and Chrissy lying in their separate beds, talking about prison. Liz tells Chrissy, "It's not that different from being here." But I thought she liked it there, and…oh, never mind. I'll stop trying to analyze the bizarro dream logic of where this show has taken us. Chrissy assures her, "This place isn't so bad. You just haven't been to the Rat." To the wha? "It's a place we go to get away. I'll take you there tomorrow." Liz suggests that they go there now. Chrissy balks; it's way past curfew and I see the jinks of all highness developing! And so they're dressed and on the run, as the chase music from the soundtrack of Beverly Hills Cop accompanies their running through the building. But wait! It's Dean Clueless! Has she caught them? No! No, she hasn't! Stupid Dean. I'm rooting for all the bad guys this week. For they have spent far fewer hours poisoning my TV and co-opting my Saturdays. Like the giggly non-lesbians they are, Chrissy and Beth run up a final flight of steps and into…another room that looks a bit like their room. But this one's in the attic. No wonder Chrissy was able to navigate them there so elegantly, after her many years of practice walking from the main house up to Mike Seaver's makeshift apartment he created above the garage beginning with lackluster Season Five. You just knew as soon as they started doing the theme song a cappella that the show was running out of new avenues for creative exploration. Liz can't fight her way through the line, "Why do they call this place the Rat? Are there rats here?" Chrissy clarifies, "No, it's short for Ratskellar. Like, a bar." Chrissy throws down a panel in the wall and shows Liz several bottles hidden behind it. Chrissy then unearths a flask and drinks from it first. Smooooooth.

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