Roswell
Spaced Out!

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Southwest Side Story

[She cracks a mimed whip and the audience goes wild. She is so. Freaking. Funny. After all. Liz turns in haste, but seeing Maria, she relaxes again and they both giggle knowingly. Maria then begins to sing.]

Maria:
My dear Liz, you've been so moony-eyed just lately
I feel you're drifting from the friends who once you knew
Though we're the Crashdown's slavish lackeys, I still find ways to stay real wacky
And if you didn't lack persona, so could you!

You've got a boyfriend in that sports star Kyle Valenti
And you can always share with me your darkest fears
And though he acts toward girls as neutered, you've got another likely suitor
In that Max Evans, talk to him Liz, he's all ears!

Liz:
Oh, if our days could be a tiny bit less dormant

Maria:
God, change our lives, we'll shout exultant "Mazel Tov!"s

Liz:
'Cause it's more action that we seek

Maria:
Than changing hairstyles twice a week

Both: Oh, let's get shot in the tummy
With love

[But just at this moment, two men seated in a booth near the door begin to fight audibly, eventually standing up and taking their loud words to center stage. They are dressed in capes and have large, handlebar moustaches, a very "Haw Haw Haw French villain" form of evil. All of the patrons and wait staff look on as the action grows tense and the accompaniment changes to that manic silent movie music played while the cloaked villain ties a damsel in distress to train tracks. Y'know, that kind. They speak.]

Bad Man #1:
You must pay the rent!

Bad Man #2:
But I can't pay the rent!

Bad Man #1:
You must pay the rent!

Bad Man #2:
But I can't pay the rent!

Bad Man #1:
Then you [pause] will [pause] DIE!

[Bad Man #1 removes a gun from a pocket of his cape and aims it at Bad Man #2. The diner gasps in unison and, with the exception of a shocked Liz, everyone hits the deck as the gun goes off. When Bad Man #1 fires, the gun shoots out one of those signs attached to the barrel reading "Bang!" The two regroup quickly and run out of the diner. Chaos ensues for a moment, then calms down until Maria walks to stage left, sees a downed Liz, and screams, "She's been shot! In the tummy!" Immediately on this line, a spotlight falls on Max Evans' table and everything else goes silent. Max's subsequent ballad highlights his never ending inner turmoil. It is a syrupy trifle, and the intent is to leave not a dry eye in the house upon its completion. Thank heavens, then, for the formidable tear-jerking capabilities of one Jack Wagner.]

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Roswell

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