Teen Sees It In The Stars

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Djb: D+ | Grade It Now!
Teen Sees It In The Stars
Poor, poor Shiri. The darling of the teen-mag cover spread for a good three hours during Roswell's first season, The Human Without A Cause now sits trapped at her grudge job in the civil service sector of Lady Whittaker's office, rotting away like so many thematically ambiguous discarded Skins. Meanwhile, the show's true breakout stars have emerged as the alien characters, Katherine "C Cup" Heigl, Jason "D Cup" Behr, and Brendan "Loving Cup" Fehr, appearing on the cover of the November issue of Teen Magazine just to the left of the linguistically "Wha?"-inducing blurb, "Roswell's superstars: their revealing astrocasts." Finally settling on a set of stars who don't require gauzy femme DW Griffith lighting or the careful selection of a frilly pastel sundress that will adequately cover the back panel of a Vicki The Talking Robot fuse box (poor, poor Shiri), Teen took these three actors and employed the vast clairvoyant acumen of "Susan Miller of to chart the astro-stars of Roswell's extraterrestrial trio." On the cover, Jason is clad in black leather everything and a question mark at the end of the words "hair and makeup," Brendan is sporting a white long-sleeved t-shirt, black leather pants, a belt buckle so big and silver and gaudy that the Parton family is still sitting around Memphis wondering what ever became of their beloved family crest, and Katherine separates them, her blonde tresses (I beg to differ…check the roots) falling over her blue zip-up jacket and her even bluer skintight pants. She may look like she's the only remaining member of an ill conceived, never-executed shot at playing the title role in a Samantha Fox cover band, but I can't complain about the breakout star's outfit too loudly; she's the least of numerous casting evils, and at least they put her in front. In the article itself, titled "Heavenly Creatures" (the original title, "Yeah, We GET IT" must have been scrapped due to MBTV shamelessly co-opting said phrase), we join the three cast members in conversation with aforementioned astrologer Susan Miller and Teen interviewer Jodi Bryson, as Dr. Susan offers astrology readings in an out-of-this-world center spread. See you on page 48. Try not to herniate a disc flipping too fast. I'm excited, too. Katherine Heigl is an "angel-faced Sagittarius." We learn in the introduction to her section that "[I]t's not her fault, but Katherine Heigl can make a girl feel so doggy and butt-ugly." Though beautiful, we learn from the carefully worded brief her publicist so thoughtfully prepared, she is "so modest about it that you're forced to like her because she's undeniably down-to-earth (her most prized possession is her dog)." So because she didn't leap into the interviewing fray citing her love for "her native Hindi healing stones" or "the collected works of L. Ron Hubbard" or "my hotty gams…you want a closer look?", we are instructed to believe in her innate even-keeled nature. Good enough for me…it's not like I know the girl. But I mean really: didn't Napoleon have a dog? The point?

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