Roswell
The White Room (1)

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Cream-Filled Ding-Dong

Fade in on Max "Wheels of Fire" Evans in repose, curled in the corner of this episode's namesake, newly clad in the never clichéd, governmentally-sanctioned uniform of The White Pajamas of the Freaking Insane. A far-off voice of disembodied eeeeevil wishes him "good morning, Max," touching off an extended round of dialogue ripped directly out of the FBI training manual, The Big Book of Exceedingly Generic Paranoia. Don't believe me, eh? Fine, then. Suffer as I suffer:

Max: Where am I?
The Far-off Voice of Disembodied Eeeeevil: Someplace where no one can find you.
Max: Why am I here?
TFOVODEeeee: That's what I want to try to find out.
Max: You've made a mistake.
TFOVODEeeee: I don't think so. I know what you are.

I'm sorry I must suddenly cease my scintillating verbatim transcript of the rest of this sequence, but the dialogue has suddenly grown quite inaudible as it becomes overwhelmed by the industrial sound of The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences smelting together dozens of extra Emmys as an adequate reward for all parties involved with the exquisite originality of the previous sequence. TFOVODEeeee informs Max from seeming nowhere that "you're going to tell me everything," inspiring an enraged "oh, come ON" shriek from this wearied recapper (thirty-two seconds to the first "Tell me everything!" An absolute record!). Max whines out his home address (it's 6025 Murray Lane, by the way, for those obsessives among us with screen names like Max_Is_Dreamy and with relatives who work for Greyhound and with scads of free time to scour the fictional desert southwest in search of fan-fic-worthy details like these) and informs TFOVODEeeee that it "can call my parents." And if I have just one thing in common with TFOVODEeeee, it's a mutual desire to erase the memory of the existence of any parents on this show, Max's or otherwise. Besides the fact that the inflated star salary of the legendary Mary Ellen Trainor (Parker Lewis's mom! Dare you doubt me?) needed to be jettisoned just to construct this one last new set, I hardly think that TFOVODEeeee glanced around the proceedings at any point during the abduction process and mused, "Y'know, what this scene really needs is some more shelfy bangs!" Because he didn't say that at any point, I betcha. So the vague threat of parents is removed. Max's claims that his home planet is Earth, causing a marauding band of biohazard-suited henchmen to bust out of the walls and tie poor Max to a table. Cue Bar Mitzvah Video Effect. Cue Tarantino-esque administering of an injection of some kind into Max's suddenly veiny, veiny arm, insuring that he will sleep "in this place with the lonely crowd, lie in the dark where the shadows run from themselves." Cream reference. Hey, I said it would be a Cream-reference-filled recap, but I never said anything about those allusions making one bit of sense. Not one gosh darned thing.

Credits: Thousands of years from now, when the origin of the expression is known only to historians and updaters of the Oxford English Dictionary, MBTV readers will be posting to the boards of The Real World: Third Ring of Jupiter that a character has apparently outlasted his usefulness on the show, leading to that character precipitously disappearing from any actual episode yet remaining in the opening credits, much to the untold humiliation of he or she left out to dry each time the show airs. And thus they will write: "Gosh, haven't seen him around in a while. Boy, have the producers pulled a Nick Wechsler on him or what?"

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Roswell

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