The White Room (1)

Episode Report Card
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Cream-Filled Ding-Dong

Hiding in the back of the Crashdown and fairly screaming out their affinity for being aliens, or being really near aliens, even as thousands of atom-sized surveillance cameras record each incriminating word, Michael, Isabel, Tesla, and the Lizbot 5000 discuss the potential deadness of the already martyred Max. Good thing they're in the kitchen, and good thing the head chef has decided to stop by, because when Isabel delivers a pathos-laden, "What if he's already dead?" address, it's well-done wah-burgers all around. Tesla claims that Pierce and The Initiative have no desire to kill him, that he's there primarily for observation, prompting an overly-concerned, "How the hell do you know?" from a suddenly responsible Michael. Out of nowhere, Liz leaps up and hightails it out of the kitchen as if she'd finally heard the subliminal "oh my God, Liz, everybody hates you" chant hanging so heavy in the air since the first moment of, well, her very organic existence. But we cut to the Crashdown's front door to determine her real reason for such speedy travel, as Maria and Alex enter just in time to emote "concerned" all over the damned floors. So mechanical in her "running, frightened" cant to the front door that the creaking of her un-oiled joints almost drowns out the quiet but not imperceptible muzak version of "If I Only Had a Heart" that mysteriously plays whenever she's in the room to further accentuate her Tin-Man-esque ways, the Lizbot 5000 haltingly stiffens and stops just short of the Crashdown's entrance. Maria and Alex are quickly brought up to speed on Max's capture. All non-shanghaied aliens couple up with their safe, human counterparts and look very, very dour indeed. Hey, why so glum, everyone? Oh, yes, that's right -- because suddenly you're all in this mess together, which means you all have to act exactly the same as each other all the time. I know I mentioned this somewhere in the forum thread for this episode, but damned if it was so far down in the convo that even I didn't read it, so here it is again. Quoting myself, am I? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to narcissism at its absolute freaking apex: "[A]nother thing that drove me crazy about this episode was how all of the characters seem to be becoming exactly the same. Wacky Maria, for instance. What of the herbal remedies, side-kicky nature, and problematic hair? Gone, gone, gone. In an attempt to move the action along and focus more on the, ahem, 'plot,' her character has become completely one-note. Yell at Michael, blah blah blah, weep about their relationship, blah blah blah, grouse and mope like everyone else blah blah blah."

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