Roswell
The White Room (1)

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Cream-Filled Ding-Dong

Evil Ed and Michael continue on their extremely noisy tour of the sealed facility, with Evil Ed smack in the middle of a speech on the limited capacity of the human mind. When Michael was engineered, Evil Ed orates, he was given the ability to perform the functions of the full extent of humans. Then Michael picks up a corpse's dead, fishy hand and tries to clone his fingerprints, Evil Ed encouraging him all the while: "You can do it, Michael. The only thing stopping you is yourself." Michael tries. Evil Ed checks his watch. Like, ha ha. Not. Michael tries again. He can't do it. Someone throw rotten tomatoes at that woeful failure of a loser alien, already. Cut him loose, Evil Ed. I don't care what planet you're from, there's a phrase and it's the same in every language. Use it now or prepare to forgo self-preservation later: Dead weight. Cut to Tesla and Isabel, also in full view, bonding over their shared desire to save Max. Their role in the caper is as follows: Isabel is going to be John Malkovich in Max's head all over again, letting him know the escape plan. But Tesla, what are you going to do? Rather than just describe her role in the rescue, Tesla mysteriously decides that this highly-charged powder keg of emotions would be the perfect venue for her to display her powerful ability to send people on really, really vivid LSD flashbacks, ten seconds at a time. She makes as if being apprehended by a suited agent, but Tesla breaks Isabel out of it in time to tell her it was just a deception. Bitch.

Back at Fingerprint Failure Central, Evil Ed insists that if Michael can't clone the fingerprints posthaste, Max is sick, dying, dead. Cue more "you have to do it for me" dysfunctional father/son dialogue ripped straight from the shooting script of Varsity Blues. Michael reacts negatively to Evil Ed's nonpresence throughout his life, screaming -- SCREAMING -- at Evil Ed for not showing up earlier. Finally they're about to be caught, as all of the hooting and even more of the hollering has apparently inspired a suited man, traveling without back-up and looking resolutely nonchalant, to approach the door. Unarmed. Of course. And just in time, as Michael completes the fingerprinty transformation, the agent walks through the door and Evil Ed takes him down with a hand print and a smile. Michael asks Evil Ed how he can kill all these people, and Evil Ed responds that getting "home" requires some as-yet-undetermined amount of fighting for. Michael: "You're not who I thought you would be." Evil Ed: "Neither are you." Evil Ed waves a hand and Michael becomes a man in black. He hands him a comb and declares it "showtime." Where did the comb come from? And come to think of it, where did the clipboard go? Oh, right. Aliens.

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Roswell

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