Roswell
The White Room (1)

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Cream-Filled Ding-Dong

Now this is just getting boring. I mean, really. Back in the white room, Pierce is holding both communicator orbs and reviewing his actions taken during the most recent commercial break: "You finally told me the truth. About where you hid it. Now make them work." But we already knew what was going to happen next, didn't we? Max levels with Pierce in telling him that he really doesn't know what makes Lever 2001 tick, but Pierce is now so hell-bent on evil that even Max's double insistence of "I can't tell you what I don't know," coupled with the even more convincing "I can't tell you what I don't know" isn't making a believer out of anybody new today. Cut to the shape-shifted Evil Ed and the hair transformed, Gattaca-ready Michael, strolling through the hallways. Cut to Isabel and Tesla, Isabel fearing it will take her longer to get into Max's head than last time. Back to the white room, where Max is once more strapped to the Craftmatic Adjustable Death Chair. Always a sucker for a life lesson, Max takes this Christ-inspired moment to mutter the let's-break-into-individual-discussion-groups-and-ponder question of the week, "Who's inhuman now?" Oh! He's right! Let us revel in the grotesque error of our barbaric ways. Nah, screw it. He doesn't know what Pierce wants to be told, so with the sinister incantation, "Open him up," Max goes under the knife. Nice try, though, Max. Great try.

And so the time has come. Isabel method-acts her way back into Max's mind, telling him the plan. First he must "get Pierce alone in the room," so just as the initial incision is made, Max sits up and screams, "Stop!" Pierce tells the surgeons to stop. Like Max couldn't have thought of that "needle in sternum, ask for cessation" solution all by himself? Moron. So Max promises to tell Pierce how the communicators work, provided everyone else leaves the room. So they go, and Isabel leaves Max's brain. But just as the room is cleared and Max sits up with both Levers 2001 in hand, Pierce's patience runs low anew in telling Max he's taking too long. In five seconds. Whatever. But just as Pierce warns Max that "you've had your chance," the orbs begin glowing green, and Pierce's Tesla-produced fever dream kicks into high gear. Michael and shape-shifted Nasedo bust through the walls and into the white room, all with the usual Bar Mitzvah Video visual flair. As soon as Michael has Max clear of the door, Pierce snaps from the trance and realizes Max is gone. But the shape-shifted Evil Ed has stayed behind, attempting to take Pierce down, but failing to do so when other suited agents are clued into the deception and go after Evil Ed. They run in. Evil Ed, in shape-shifted form, is shot. Porno runs in, and Pierce takes off after Max and Michael. I think I forgot to mention that Max's shirt has been off again for, like, this entire episode. Gunshots. Porno. Pecs, everywhere. Porno shoots Pierce, who gets trapped behind the security door. I guess that was what it felt like to recap a so-called "action sequence," in light of which I hope that my next MBTV show to recap is Yule Log, considering how hard it is to make fun of the painful slowness of an extended sequence when everything sudden ceases to move slowly. And thus it ends, much to the relief of my Cream-addled brain. To be continued. Oh, thank God.

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Roswell

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