Roswell
Wipeout!

Episode Report Card
Djb: D | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Should I Stay Or Should I...JUST GO

UFO Center. Michael brings a shaking Courtney a bottle of water, telling her that they're going to pull together the ingredients for another bath. Lying down and breathing shallow and purple veined and it's all bad, she tells Michael that another bath isn't going to work: "I'm dying." Michael considers that "not an option," telling her that there has to be something they can do. There is. "But you won't want to do it." Michael indicates that he will do "anything," and for her to "just say it." And so she does. "The granolith." Boooooooooooo.

Inside the central office of the UFO Center, which has gotten considerably nicer -- and structurally bigger, somehow -- since this show's second-season slight budget bump, Kyle slams down a LAN line phone and bemoans the fact that he can't make an outside call. Dude, either try one of the fifty cell phones everyone carries around or don't call attention to it in the first place. Liz checks out an all-silver product-placed Mac (insert your own "there is no step three" joke here, seeing as I've run through my ration in one place or another on this site), noting a screen with an EKG kind of graph on it and teaching Kyle, "Do you see this jump on the graph? There's some sort of, like, electric disturbance that leveled off here." When? "Ten o'clock in the mornink." They reason that if they can find the source of the energy field and turn it off, that would theoretically bring everyone back. Eh? This foray into the knowledge Liz has gleaned in the "Hastily Assembled Scientific Improbabilities" chapter of one of her AP Science textbooks (remember when they used to go to class? Sigh...) is soon to be interrupted by the appearance of Porno, who dodders in distractedly and asks Liz for a moment alone with Kyle. She goes. Kyle tells Porno that he's "staying out of everyone's way," but Porno is breathing deeply and launches into the "I remember when you were THIS BIG" speech a drunken aunt hurls out at a wedding before she pinches your cheeks and makes you finally celebrate the fact that you're adopted. And you are adopted. Anyway, this is what he says: "Do you remember what you did the night after your mom left?" Kyle gave him his stuffed animal. Porno doth continue: "You worried about me. And you didn't want me sleeping alone, so you did instead." Dude, he TOOK the stuffed animal? That's really weak. Porno continues on that he remembers when Kyle first learned to tie his own shoes and when they took the training wheels off his bike, before he launches into a hardcore Christopher Walken impersonation with the coming-of-age celebration, "I'm in awe. Of you. Every day, son. And I apologize for not recognizing the man. That you're becoming. Because you're a darn, darn, darn..." He topples over, turns into a green unspecial effect, and disappears right before Kyle's eyes. And now, little man. I give this watch to you.

Back in the UFO Center proper, Tess meets Max on the stairs and asks, "Did you find her?" Max answers by asking where Michael is, and the two of them part as King Max runs into the back to keep everyone in line. Maria, meanwhile, stands alone in the middle of an exhibit displaying an alien autopsy being conducted behind a set of a 1950s suburban house with a front lawn, a white picket fence, and general domestic bliss. In the middle of this exhibit, a wax-figure woman stands at a window holding a cherry pie. Maria regards it as she walks by, then turns a moment after and looks back toward that window. The cherry pie remains, but the woman is gone. And though it serves as no legitimate plot point, it's a pretty good effect and a clever directorial decision. Whatever. I thought it was cool. Maria begins to back away, but the woman (it's the one who kissed the driver on the way off the bus before the opening credits) runs out from behind the exhibit and takes Maria down with a wave of her hand. Tess runs to the rescue, kicking the woman in the back and watching her Buffy into a cloud of staked-vampire dust. What a perfect show to rip off, what with no crossover audience between the two or anything. Right down to the demons jumping out of shadowy corners. Feh. I'm sure no one will notice.

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Roswell

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