Roswell
Wipeout!

Episode Report Card
Djb: D | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Should I Stay Or Should I...JUST GO

Sorry.

Cut to a more substantial body of water than one would reasonably expect to find in the middle of a landlocked desert, where Kyle "Smoked Buddha" Valenti and his faithful dad Porno sit on rocks and fish the day away in a bonding-type fashion. Suddenly, Kyle feels a, er, tug on his line (an action it seems many of the forum regulars would be more than happy to provide these days ["Woo hoo! Gay sex! Oh, sorry, wrong recap." -- Sars]), and stands up in a hurry as Porno reaches into the water and pulls out a substantially-sized fish. Porno product-places the fishing tackle for some reason and celebrates the size of Kyle's wriggling fish (an action many of the forum regulars would be...oh, never mind). A bizarrely long pause ensues after Porno celebrates, "We'll be eating like kings tonight," and I have to marvel at the discipline it must have taken the "writers" of this episode to eliminate the wholly inappropriate stage direction "they kiss passionately" from this pregnant moment of non-activity in the script. Good work all around. Kyle marvels at the beauty of his catch for a moment, then gently places the fish back in the water and notes, "It's a circle, dad. The circle of life." Porno thinks his son is a big ol' fruitcake. The forum regulars desire to believe otherwise.

The Jetta sails down this show's one stretch of road marked "Stock Footage Highway Blue Screen" and past a road sign marked "Roswell: 2 Miles." They're out of town, too? My, what an essential and carefully constructed set of unexplained coincidences being set up here. Maria "My Name Is" DeLuca "I Live on the Second Floor" drives and snarks while her shotgun passenger Liz "Saturday in the" Parker...hell, I never know what she's doing. Liz brays that Maria needs to "step on it" so they can get "this thing" back to the Crashdown in time for the "lunch rush." Maria responds that she can't believe Liz's father, Slackjaw, would send them so far out of town on "an errand," commenting that such overuse of underage employees is "totally Kathie Lee." Oh, Maria. That joke is so over that we here at MBTV all got it out of the way in one of our first five recaps within ten days of the site going live. Your situation isn't "so Kathie Lee." That joke is so Kathie Lee.

Cut briefly to a shot of a green billboard reading, "UFO Center, Exit Central Ave. South, 2 miles at Pixton" next to a cartoon rendering of a helmeted (short bus alien, 'haps?) little Judy the Time-Life Operator alien guy. Through the nether region of the alien's lower abdomen is stuck a mysteriously glowing orb (no, really), which is several feet long and very, very, very phallic. And very, very, very green. Suddenly, this "Greenis" (figure it out) begins glowing an even brighter green, then flashes white and shoots its load of a green glowing ball, which flies about two miles to the south and creates a green cloud over neighboring Roswell. Quite a projectile distance on that. Virile little bastard.

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Roswell

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