Roswell
Wipeout!

Episode Report Card
Djb: D | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Should I Stay Or Should I...JUST GO

The Pornomobile pulls up to a roadside clearing at the base of the defaced billboard featuring the long, unsightly alien Greenis sticking out of the middle. Porno picks up his radio and announces into it, "Deputy Hanson, we've got some property defacement out by the Chaparral Turnout. I need you to rustle up a ladder and take care of it." He puts down the CB and kicks off some digressive fishing banter, which culminates in a little fatherly the-arms-of-Vishnu-have-changed-you-and-I-don't-know-you-anymore rhetoric: "Different seems to be the story of your life these days. Guys don't come over to watch games anymore. You hang wind chimes in my backyard. Burn compost sticks in the kitchen." Porno sounds most disappointed about the part where Kyle's young friends don't come over to work up a glistening sweat in front of a particularly spirited sporting event, but I'm just talking here. And though my parents never did this, it always infuriated me when my friends' parents referred to a house as "my" because their kids didn't purchase it or pay the bills or whatever because they were, like, seven. Take it from me, parents just don't understand. Kyle calmly insists that he enjoyed the fishing, then attempts to explain his religious and ideological evolution to his father, who snarks in return, "You know what? If you laid off the mumbo-jumbo, you might get a date every once in a while." Jeez, Porno. Take your own damn advice. If you laid off trying to get Kyle's wrestling buddies to come over for a little of the old rough-and-tumble, you might also find yourself getting a little action that for once doesn't take the undesirable form of "legal action." I'm just sayin'. It must be the Greenis. It's clouding my sense of reason. Kyle asks if Porno has any complaints beyond his son's ability to fish and date, but Porno is too busy changing the subject to Hanson's apparent disappearance, and tears off without receiving a response. The Greenis looms forebodingly above them. Someone needs to tack on a "Not Drawn To Scale" label below that thing, or some impressionable girl watching this show is going to become a very, very disappointed young woman one day. ["I don't know what you mean." -- Sars]

Back at Chez Evans, Isabel returns to the kitchen with the fearful non-development, "I can't find Dad." Well, as previously discussed, duh. Isabel realizes she has announced this fact to an empty house, then sets about yelling Max's name over and over until his pecs carry his tiny, pin-like head back into the kitchen with his proclamation that the neighbor's house is empty as well. Emmy-clip dialogue ("What's happening?" "I don't know!") ensues, but its intense dramatic heft is practically drowned out by the rustling sound of Aaron Sorkin leaping off his couch in search of a pen. With which to gouge out his eyes. Isabel runs to the phone and dials a number, intones, "Oh, come on" (yeah, tell me about it), and slams the phone against the counter in fury after the third ring. Dude, it's called the answering machine. Disengage the panic button and wait one more ring for it. Isabel hugs Max furiously and recaps the episode thus far (hey, sister, I don't have the knockers for your job, so you lay off mine, got it?) for the benefit of those viewers who are just ending the grieving process of having perhaps seen Mary Camden for the very last time and just opened their tear-streaked eyes for the first time since 8:57: "Mom and Dad are missing. They're gone. We're the only ones left." Sniff sniff. Poor Mary.

But are they the only ones left? EH? Cut over to a tub filled with really murky water inside The House Government Subsidy Built, out of which pops Courtney, breathing hard. Sitting vigil by the side of the bath is Michael "Puffy? Yes. Combs? No" Guerin, who asks Courtney if she's put on the new husk. She has done so, noting that "the fit is okay." He touches her arm suggestively and tells her it feels like real skin, but she responds that since the husk isn't fully matured, she doesn't know how long it will hold up. Well, weren't all those people congregated in Arizona in last week's episode there for the husk harvest? Meaning that by now they would all be wearing their new skins anyway? I know I'm not the most attuned to plot out of all of us here, but it just seems to me this shouldn't be that big of a problem. Courtney also adds her contribution to the "previously on Roswell" filibuster taking over Roswell's remaining citizenry who clearly think I could use a little fine tuning, telling you, me, Michael, the Camdens, and Aaron Sorkin, "You saved my life by stealing this." Michael responds that she saved their lives in Copper Summit. Michael's phone, a 900-MHz cordless (filthy bastard), rings, and Michael picks it up to hear Max heavily breathing, "It's me. Meet us at the Crashdown right away." Click. Michael purses his lips, and then he purses his lips.

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Roswell

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