Scrubs
My Growing Pains

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My Growing Pains

JD and Sam stand in the hospital, and JD is wearing Sam in a Snugli on his chest. JD notices that Sam does the same head tilt as Dad when he's daydreaming, and Turk wonders what Sam is dreaming about. Cut to the MOST DISTURBING FANTASY SEQUENCE on this show EVER, where JD and Turk and Kelso and all of the other men all have big milk-filled breasts, and then Kelso breastfeeds little Sam, and then Turk squirts milk on JD and they totally show his fake nipple and WTF???!!!??? Fantasy over, thank God. Turk wants to play basketball with JD, but Carla hopes that Turk wants to spend time with his daughter. Turk realizes that Carla's not really giving him a choice.

A board member notes that it's almost Kelso's birthday, and wonders how old Kelso is going to be. Kelso ducks the answer and heads into the elevator with Elliot, who decides that she's going to throw Kelso a birthday party. Kelso, as you might imagine, doesn't want a party.

Dr. Cox talks to Jordan and Jack via iChat. Jordan wants Perry to say goodbye to Jack in his "silly voice." Perry thinks Jack is too old for that, since he's almost four and people can nearly understand half of what he says. Jack says something that's subtitled, "I like lightning?????" but I actually understood as, "I like Lightning McQueen, bicycles, stuffed pizza." Hey, I have nephews. I speak fluent toddler. Perry says he's not doing the voice, and Jack runs away crying.

Turk and JD make their respective children pretend to hit on each other. Oh, those babies are cute. Turk says that he misses goofing off with JD. He wants their babies to get married so he can hang out with JD all the time. JD thinks Izzy has competition, since Sam turned his head to look at Dr. Cox's baby girl the other day. JD admits that he turned Sam's head. JD then goes into a routine where he pretends Sam is catcalling another baby who is riding by in a baby carriage, complete with ass-spanking. Well, that's a great lesson to teach your son.

Turk tells JD that he has huge news; he has the afternoon free, and so does JD. Turk wonders when the last time is they did something stupid. JD recalls that they told an intern, Rex, that he could have the weekend off if he followed a doctor named Hooch everywhere for the whole day. We see this happening, and Hooch doesn't like it. Turk meant something "off-the-hook stupid." JD remembers the second day of college. Flashback to Turk (Chocolate Bear), JD (Vanilla Bear), and...another guy (Caramel Bear) vowing to be BFF. Or, excuse me, "bears for life!" Caramel Bear grabs a bag of presumably dog poop, lights it on fire, and rings the doorbell on a nearby house. The door opens, and a giant guy pulls Caramel Bear inside. Back in the present, Turk says that they don't know that Caramel Bear died, and JD reminds him that Caramel Bear's parents came and got his stuff, and his roommates got a 4.0 without ever attending class.

Dr. Cox visits a patient, a young boy named Josh, who says he's a little tired but okay, and asks after the doctor. Dr. Cox says he recently lost the ability to break down dairy products. Carla giggles, "Whoa, TMI! Am I right, Josh? Too much information?" Dr. Cox says he's going to leave Josh with "Nurse Early '90s Catchphrases." That joke would be a lot funnier if they hadn't done it on The Office like two seasons ago. Don't go there, show. In the hallway, Cox explains to Josh's parents that Josh is anemic with a high white blood cell count, and Cox is worried it might be leukemia, but they'll know more when the tests come back. Josh's parents barely react.

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