My Identity Crisis

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Kim: B- | Grade It Now!
My Identity Crisis

Carla and Turk are making out in a hospital bed, and talking about how exciting it is to make out in a hospital bed. Turk ups the ante by lashing Carla's wrists with soft restraints. JD shows up and Turk says, "He's here to kill you." Carla doesn't think Elliot will let them get away with it, and Elliot pops in to say that she'll go along with it because she gets to raise Izzy. JD is triumphant, because once Carla is dead, he and Turk can travel the world and go to water parks. Elliot charges up some paddles with the dial set to "Kill Carla," and just as JD administers the shock, Carla wakes up from her dream.

The next day, Carla tells her dream to JD and Turk. This causes JD to remember the last time he went to a water park, when Turk came down the slide right behind him, naked: "Felt like I got pistol-whipped." Carla ignores their idiocy to say that she was the most disturbed because the dream was in English, and she always dreams in Spanish. Turk reminds her that dreams don't reflect reality, just as Elliot walks by carrying Izzy and saying something about how she's going to come live with Elliot.

Jordan grabs some toilet paper rolls, and Janitor yells at her before spinning a tale about how he calls toilet paper rolls "babies" because he didn't have any toys as a kid, so he had to make his own, out of toilet paper rolls. And then he named them. And then he tried to sell them. And no one bought them. Jordan reminds him that there's a reason she doesn't usually talk to him, then purposely spills her coffee on the counter. After she leaves, Janitor licks it up.

JD notices this interaction and advises Janitor to connect with people. JD demonstrates by talking to all of his "friends": Colonel Doctor, Snoop Dogg Attending, and Dr. Beardface. None of them look happy to see JD.

Cox looks at an X-ray and says it's a healthy bone. So of course, The Todd pops up and says, "Speaking of healthy bones?" Jordan interrupts, but The Todd can't be stopped: "I've got one in my pants." Jordan tells him that she's taking the kids to her mother's for the weekend, and leaves so that Cox can celebrate his alone time. Cox responds by starting the wave, which goes aaaaallll the way around the hospital like twice. Was this episode short on time or something?

At home, Turk presents Izzy as his "African princess." Carla starts crooning to her in Spanish, and Turk reminds her that he doesn't want Carla speaking to Izzy only in Spanish, since he doesn't know it. Maybe he could learn? I'm just saying. Carla promises that she speaks both languages, but then as soon as Turk is out the door, it's all Spanish. Turk walks back in: English. So Turk pretends to leave and busts Carla speaking Spanish.

Jordan is preparing to leave, and insists that Perry will miss her while she's gone, more than she will miss him. Cox retorts, "Oh, please. Underneath those four pounds of makeup and quarter-inch of synthetically-paralyzed skin, there is a frightened little drunk girl that I can already hear blubbering on the phone." He imitates her crying. Jordan responds by imitating him crying. They go on for a moment, and Jordan bets him that he'll call her first. Cox takes that bet.

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