My Own Worst Enemy

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Kim: B- | Grade It Now!
My Own Worst Enemy

Remember how last season ended? Elliot and JD lay next to each other in the locker room, about to kiss. And what happened next? JD VO: "So there we were. Elliot about to get married, me about to have a baby with Kim, careening toward a kiss. We were both terrified, because either one of us could back out at the last second, leaving the other kissing the air and feeling the fool." Elliot closes her eyes, and JD takes this as a sign to go for it. Except he's groping empty air, because Elliot is already on the other side of the room. JD wonders how she did that.

Elliot and JD walk and talk as they agree that what almost happened is because they're "both on the verge of making giant commitments." JD vows not to let fear screw up their relationships. JD says they don't want to end up like Snoop Dogg Intern. Snoop Dogg is offended. JD asks, "Snoop Dogg Resident." Snoop Dogg is still offended. JD, surprised: "Snoop Dog Attending?" Snoop Dog Attending confirms that he's moved up the ranks. Anyway, JD was referring to how Snoop Dogg attending gets "wowsers in his trousers" from a woman named Josephine, but won't tell her. JD wonders what he and Elliot should do now, and Elliot thinks they do nothing.

Keith waves to Elliot, and JD says, "Keith???" Elliot says, "Keith???" JD VO: "Keith??? Wait, I was already surprised out loud." I don't know. That cracked me up. Keith says he was lonely and decided to visit. Elliot VOs that she had "one of those weird crystallizing moments" where she realized that she wanted to get caught with JD, because she doesn't want to marry Keith.

Cut to Elliot delivering this epiphany to Carla and Turk, who are like, "Oh no she didn't!" Elliot says she thinks she just wanted to be married. Boy, Sarah Chalke's fake eyelashes are really poorly applied. I don't know if it's the HDTV or what. Anyway, Turk explains that Carla only lets him have one candy bar every six months, so he was trying to choose which one to have. Carla indicates by facial expression that she knows Turk is crazy, but they need to humor him. Turk runs through some of the options, like Junior Mints, but he complains, "If I want my candy to freshen my breath, I'll just slap some toothpaste on a Whatchamacallit bar and just go to town on that sucker!" I feel the same way about mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Cafeteria. Kelso sits down next to Dr. Cox and demands ten dollars to leave. Cox pays up, but as soon as Kelso leaves, JD, Turk, Carla, and Elliot sit down. Carla asks if Elliot has dumped Keith yet. Elliot complains that Keith's whole family is in town for the wedding, and her house is "packed to the rafters with Dudemeisters." JD reminisces about how his college girlfriend dumped him by arranging it so he'd catch her having sex with someone else. Turk: "How many times do I have to apologize for that, dude?"

Parking lot. Elliot sees Keith and steels herself to break the bad news. She starts talking to him, but then we cut to JD and Carla watching them from one of the hospital windows. Carla doesn't feel right spying, but JD says it's not just them. We pan out to see a bunch of other people standing at the window, and then pan out again to see a bunch of other people standing at every window in the hospital, including a couple of dudes standing on the roof. Elliot hands Keith her engagement ring. Everyone is sad. Except JD, who is happy. Carla yells at him, but JD says Snoop Dogg Attending finally told Josephine how he feels. Everyone watches them hug, and goes, "Awwww!" in a happy way. Turk points out a rainbow, and everyone goes, "Ooooo." I could have watched them make various noises in unison for like ten more minutes.

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