Supernatural

Get Thee to a Nunnery, Hardy Boy

Mother’s Little Helper - Sam's investigation into a rash of weird murders leads him to an abandoned convent. Dean searches for Abaddon at the bottom of a whiskey bottle.

Jawbone is Job One for the Hardy Boys

Blade Runners - The Winchesters finally decide it's time to track down Crowley and the First Blade.

Winchester Angst by Proxy

#Thinman - Just in case you hadn't gotten the point about Dean being a selfish ass who ruins Sam's life, the show brings in those "Ghostfacers" to reenact it for you in simpler, dumber terms.

The Hardy Boys and the Haunted Bunker

Captives - The still-unrelated Winchesters deal with ghosts and demons while wearing pretty new coats. Castiel navigates the treacherous and boring waters of angel politics.

The Unrelated Hardy Boys Suck

The Purge - Something is sucking the life out of people, and it's not this show. Or at least not just this show.

The Hardy Boys and the Wayward Werewolf

Sharp Teeth - Sam and Dean find out that Garth has taken up with a family of spiritual werewolves.

This Hardy Boy is a Marked Man

First Born - Dean and Crowley strike a bargain with the man who invented murder. Castiel and Sam talk about sandwiches and stuff.

"The Poor, Giant Baby is in Trouble Again"

Road Trip - Dean has to rescue Sam. Crowley and Castiel have to rescue Sam. I have to rescue Sam. You have to rescue Sam. Everybody has to rescue Sam. Sam, Sam, Sam.

Hardy Boy, Your Angels Came Home to Roost

Holy Terror - While investigating a string of angelic murders, the Winchesters cross paths with Castiel. Dean's various lies start catching up with him.

The Hardy Boys are Terrible Virgins

Rock and a Hard Place - The Winchesters take a "purity pledge" in order to ferret out a killer they think is taking virgins. Predictably, Dean can't keep his promise.

The Hardy Boys' Home For Hard-Luck Boys

Bad Boys - While hunting for a ghost, Dean bonds with kids at a home for troubled boys. Sam finds out his brother had an even sadder childhood than he suspected.

Separate Storylines for the Hardy Boys

Heaven Can’t Wait - Sam stays home to do research with Kevin. Dean and Castiel try to figure out why sad people are exploding.

The Hardy Boys Need To Be Fixed

Dog Dean Afternoon - Dean becomes Dr. Dolittle so he can ask a bunch of dogs about a bizarre murder case. Meanwhile, Sam is propositioned by a flirtatious Yorkie.

Monkeys Fly Out of the Hardy Boys' Butts

Slumber Party - Charlie drops by the bunker to fix a really old computer, and ends up battling the Wicked Witch with help from Dorothy. It's a long story. A long, terrible story.

The Hardy Boys and the Case of the Handsome Hobo

I’m No Angel - The Winchesters finally decide Castiel has been missing for too long and go looking for him. Turns out, their formerly angelic friend has been spending most of his time under bridges and Reapers.

The Hardy Boys Become Dungeon Masters

Devil May Care - The Winchesters stash Crowley in their torture dungeon before driving off to confront Abaddon with no plan at all. It works out better than they planned.

The Hardy Boys Don't Understand Consent

I Think I’m Gonna Like it Here - To save Sam's life, Dean must keep a terrible secret from him. Wait... what season is this again?

Deviled Red Herring

Sacrifice - As it turns out, those "Gates of Hell" don't end up really mattering all that much.

The Hardy Boys are Terrible Planners

Clip Show - When they discover the secret to curing demons, the Winchesters decide to practice on Abaddon. It goes about as well as you'd expect.

Spiritual Enema

The Great Escapist - While searching for Metatron, Sam comes to believe that the Trials are purifying him. Dean makes him some soup.

Pacing is Not a Strong Suit

Pac-Man Fever - The finale is almost here, so let's take some time off to deal with Charlie Bradbury's family issues, shall we?

Hell Is Other People

Taxi Driver - Sam's second trial sends him to Hell. Sadly, he doesn't stay there.

Schoolhouse Schlock

Freaks and Geeks - A hunter adopts teenagers and teaches them how to kill vampires, but what they really kill is the episode. The Winchesters do their best to save it.

Raiders of the Lost Storage Shed

Goodbye Stranger - Castiel finally reunites with the Winchesters so they can go digging around in Lucifer's stash for The Word of God: Angel Edition.

Z-Day

Remember the Titans - The Winchesters go hunting for zombies, but have to settle for Zeus.

The Worst Thing Ever

Man's Best Friend With Benefits - A witch falls in love with his dog. He calls the dog his "familiar" and she spends half her time as a human being, but whatever. It's totally bestiality. Sadly, it's not even the wrongest thing about this episode.

"Calgon, Take Me Away!"

Trial and Error - Kevin figures out that closing the gates of Hell begins with three trials. Trial one: Find a hellhound, kill it and bathe in its blood.

Feat of Clay

Everybody Hates Hitler - The Winchesters meet a golem so big that even Sam looks like Kristin Chenoweth standing next to him.

Broken Family Tree

As Time Goes By - Sam and Dean meet their paternal grandfather and discover that depressing choices and unhappy accidents run in both sides of their family.

A Tolkien Gesture

LARP and the Real Girl - Accountants and lawyers pretend to be orcs and elves, much like this episode pretends to be fun and interesting.

Torture Porn

Torn and Frayed - Demons torture angels. Angels torture angels. The show tortures viewers with ridiculous and utterly contrived Winchester angst.

The Cook, The Vamp, The Hunter & His Brother

Citizen Fang - Sam suspects Benny has given in to his vampire nature, but Dean has faith in his friend. In other news, Sam and his flashbacks need to shut up.

"That's All, Folks!"

Hunteri Heroici - A thief somehow uses cartoons to perpetrate his larcenous deeds, so Castiel and those wascally Winchesters take on the case.

Ol' Blue Eyes is Back

A Little Slice of Kevin - Castiel is back from Purgatory. A bunch of other stuff happens, but whatever. Castiel is back!

A Confederacy of Dunces

Southern Comfort - The Winchesters team up with Garth to figure out why people in Missouri have gone suddenly homicidal with rage. Perhaps they've been watching this show.

The Old Man and the Sea

Blood Brother - Benny runs into some vampiric trouble and calls Dean for help. Dean learns of Benny's origins, his seafaring past and how he met his grisly demise.

Found Footage

Bitten - The Winchesters are barely in this episode. On the plus side, it means we don't have to hear them drone on and on about their emotional problems.

A Steaming Pile of Cacao

Heartache - Eight recipients of organ transplants start killing people and taking their hearts. Ancient Maya sacrifices are involved. Sam and Dean track down the killers while talking about their feelings.

Going, Going... Gone

What's Up, Tiger Mommy? - Don't you hate when you bid on an auction and someone snipes it at the last moment, and then you have to whip out Thor's hammer and battle the King of Hell?

"What I Did on My Summer Vacation"

We Need to Talk About Kevin - Dean got a new friend in Purgatory and kept on hunting. Sam got a new girlfriend at an animal clinic and gave up hunting. Castiel just kind of gave up in general.

They Should Have Cancelled The Hardy Boys Years Ago

Survival Of The Fittest - Dashing El Deano and My Sweet Baboo successfully spear Richard Roman with This Year's Unnecessarily Complicated Ultimate Weapon, inadvertently condemning themselves to Purgatory in the process. Oops.

The Hardy Boys Drink Your Milkshake! They Drink It Up!

There Will Be Blood - Sorry, I had to do it. Dumbass El Deano and Dimwit Sammy track down another component of this year's ultimate weapon while Dead Bobby takes a hotel maid for a ride. It's a great big snooze.

Battle Hymn of the Hardy Boys

Reading Is Fundamental - Our Intrepid Heroes heedlessly crack open that slab of clay they swiped from The Leviathans last week, and things go downhill from there.

The Hardy Boys Pander Shamelessly To Geeks

The Girl With The Dungeons And Dragons Tattoo - Despite the fact that they have only four episodes left in which to wrap this craptastic season up, Our Intrepid Heroes decide to cede this evening's entire presentation to some niche piece of nerd masturbation fodder for reasons I will never be able to explain.

You in Danger, Hardy Boys

Of Grave Importance - Our Intrepid Heroes -- plus one very special guest -- motor on over to Bodega Bay, California, to investigate a haunted whorehouse. Because they apparently have nothing better to do with their time.

Have A Drink On The Hardy Boys

Party On, Garth - Our Intrepid Heroes team up with the loathsome DJ Qualls to fight a Japanese booze monster.

Wake Up, Little Hardy Boys

The Born-Again Identity - Darling Sammy spends some quality time with Lucifer in the nuthouse while Dashing El Deano tracks down two very old friends in a desperate attempt to put his batshit brother's brains back together.

You Guys Should Totally Come To The Hardy Boys' DJ Night!

Out With the Old - Our Intrepid Heroes travel to Portland, Oregon, in an ultimately futile attempt to score some sweet marionberry pancakes at The Fisherman's Porch.

The Life Of A Hardy Boy Is Always Intense

Repo Man - Our Intrepid Heroes hit up Coeur d'Alene to settle a score with an old adversary we've never heard of before and will likely never hear from again.

The Hardy Boys Shoot Rainbows Out Of Their Ass

Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie - Bloodsucking octopi, impalement-happy unicorns, aspirational land sharks, and stripper clowns on angel dust are just a few of the bizarre beasties Our Intrepid Heroes must confront this week when a geek in desperate need of some good mood stabilizers starts messing with hoodoo in Wichita.

The Hardy Boys Really Need To Wrap That Shit Up

The Slice Girls - Dashing El Deano's sly spermatozoa meet up with an aggressive Amazonian egg, and hijinks ensue.

The Hardy Boys Talk Of Killing Time

Time After Time - Dashing El Deano gets himself zapped into a cartoonish and infuriatingly music-free version of 1944 when Our Intrepid Heroes tangle with a god named Chronos.

Dear Mister Hardy Boy, Play Us A Tune

Adventures In Babysitting - Our Intrepid Idiots split up to pursue separate investigations until The Ginormomoron gets his dumb self captured by The Monsters Of The Week, leaving Dreary El Deano with little choice but to rescue his titanically dim ass. Again.

The Hardy Boys Cough Up The Hairball

Death's Door - Bobby's dead. Happy holidays!

The Hardy Boys Don't Know Dick

How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters - Our Intrepid Heroes head to the Pine Barrens to take on the Jersey Devil, but they end up tangling with some pesky Leviathans, instead.

The Hardy Boys Are Overstaying Their Welcome

Season 7, Time For A Wedding! - I think. I mean, I'm pretty sure. You want proof? Becky The Wincesting Fangirl marries Darling Sammy in Las Vegas, and it gets worse from there. Much, much worse.

The Hardy Boys Are Still Talking About Dead Amy

The Mentalists - And despite that fact, this episode kicked all kinds of ass. Our Temporarily Estranged Heroes meet up in Lily Dale, New York, to battle the pissed-off ghost of one of Spiritualism's founding mothers. Could the rest of this season's episodes be exactly like this one? Please?

The Hardy Boys Sound Like Sensible Fucking Men

Slash Fiction - The Leviathans return -- finally -- to cause more than a little trouble for Our Intrepid Heroes.

See The Funny Little Hardy Boys

Shut Up, Dr. Phil - When a couple of squabbling D-List TV actors begin wreaking bloody havoc on the locals in a town called Prosperity, Our Intrepid Heroes have little choice but to intervene.

Let the Hardy Boys Be Relinquished and Abandoned

Defending Your Life - Our Intrepid Heroes travel to Dearborn, Michigan, to kill an Egyptian god with a Jewish religious instrument. It's incredibly tasteful.

It's Like The Hardy Boys Aren't Even Trying Anymore

The Girl Next Door - Darling Sammy meets Amy Pond, and then Dashing El Deano kills her. Rory is gonna be pissed.

Did You Know The Hardy Boys Are Utterly Insane?

Hello, Cruel World -

We bid farewell to My Sweet Baboo for now as the Leviathan-possessed Castiel dissolves himself or itself or themselves into a small town's water supply, which is sort of like this show thumbing its nose at those suburban idiots who freaked out and drained their reservoir just because some drunk-ass schlub took a leak in it. I think.

The Hardy Boys Keep Losin', When They Oughta Not Bet

Meet The New Boss -

My Sweet Baboo plays at being God for about a half an hour until he stumbles upon a far more promising gig in the episode's closing seconds.

Que Sera Sera, Hardy Boys

The Man Who Knew Too Much - My Sweet Baboo destroys the wall in Darling Sammy's brain, then snacks on the millions of souls down in Purgatory to become God. As you do.

The Hardy Boys Tell Lies, and I Got Proof

Let It Bleed - Crowley kidnaps Bendy Lisa and The Brat to get Our Intrepid Heroes off his back, and My Sweet Baboo gets closer to opening a portal to Purgatory.

Stop The Hardy Boys -- I Want To Get Off

The Man Who Would Be King - Everything grinds to a halt so Castiel can chat about his feelings.

What Are Hardy Boys Doing In This Closet?

Mommie Dearest - The Mother Of All draws Our Intrepid Heroes out to Grants Pass, Oregon, where they receive some surprising news about an old adversary.

A Fistful Of Hardy Boys

Frontierland - Our Intrepid Heroes convince My Sweet Baboo to send them back to the Old West, just because they can, apparently.

What The Hardy Boys Impose, That Men Must Needs Abide

My Heart Will Go On - Balthazar travels back in time to un-sink the Titanic because he hates Celine Dion. It is perhaps the high point of the season.

Ten Little Hardy Boys

…And Then There Were None - Mother hoofs it over to Sandusky, Ohio, to pinch out a homicidal earworm that slaughters several tertiary characters, one of whom we're actually sorry to see go.

Hardy Boys Only Pawn In Game Of Life

The French Mistake - Rogue angel Balthazar stops by Bobby's Emporium to hurl Our Intrepid Heroes into a alternate reality where everybody's a gigantic douchebag, and the supernatural doesn't exist.

The Hardy Boys Experience Acute Renal Failure

Mannequin 3: The Reckoning - Our Intrepid Heroes travel to Passaic County, New Jersey, when a pissed-off kidney starts slaughtering a mangy pack of minimum-wage mooks.

The Hardy Boys Have This Condition

Unforgiven - Prompted by an anonymous text message, Our Intrepid Heroes motor on over to Bristol, Rhode Island, where something has been stealing away into the night with a variety of toothsome brunettes.

The Hardy Boys Call It "Just A-Drifting"

Like A Virgin - Darling Sammy gets his soul back just in time to motor off to the Pacific Northwest with Dreary El Deano in search of a magnificently groomed and delightfully familiar dragon who's been escorting sartorially challenged virgins to his tastefully appointed makeover den. Our Intrepid Heroes need to leave that dragon alone, 'cause the ladies involved look like crap.

Death Becomes The Hardy Boys

Appointment In Samarra - Dean makes an incredibly dimwitted deal with Death while Sam arrives at an equally stupid arrangement with Balthazar, and everyone suffers. Like, for real, this time. Good thing we're dropping into a nice, long winter hiatus, because I don't know how much more of this crap I can take.

Caged Heat

Caged Heat - Our Intrepid Heroes finally find out what Crowley's been doing with all of those weirdo half-human beasties they've been procuring for him for the last couple of months, and the resulting hijinks are almost as boring as we've come to expect from this dreadful season. Almost.

Clap Your Hands If You Believe…

Clap Your Hands If You Believe… - Our Intrepid Heroes take on a roving gang of fairies in Elwood, Indiana, and promptly get their asses handed to them, until Sam remembers it's his soul still stuck down in that cage, not his brain.

Cave Canem, Hardy Boys!

All Dogs Go To Heaven - Our Intrepid Heroes travel to Buffalo to track down yet another Alpha for Crowley and find themselves mired in a domestic drama involving a single mom and a Skinwalker. It's incredibly stupid.

Family Matters

Family Matters - In this, the most hatefully boring episode of this show ever, Our Soulless And/Or Dreary Heroes eventually learn who Undead Zombie Grandpa's been working for. If someone could explain to me why it took them an entire damn hour to tell us, I'd be most appreciative.

And The Hardy Boys Shall Make You Free

You Can't Handle The Truth - A dingbat saddled with a cheating boyfriend kills her cat to summon the ancient Goddess of Truth, and everyone suffers, especially Dreary El Deano (of course) who learns that Secretly Evil Sammy's missing his soul.

Do The Hardy Boys Dazzle You?

Live Free Or Twihard - Dean turns into a vampire for one hot second, but that's time enough to ruin his relationship with Bendy Lisa, realize his brother is a gigantic jackass, and take out the nest of vamps who turned him. It wasn't as exciting as it sounds.

The Hardy Boys Aren't in This Episode At All

Weekend At Bobby's - And guess what? No one really cares. When did the supporting characters on this show get to be so awesome, and why have the leads become so lame? And why on earth did it take them six years to run someone through a woodchipper? Huh?

The Hardy Boys Wanna Take a Ride on Your Disco Stick

The Third Man - "DIRTY!" My Sweet Baboo returns to Earth to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and he's all out of bubblegum.

The Hardy Boys Schedule Vasectomies. Again.

Two and a Half Men - 'Cause, you know, they apparently didn't take the first time around. Our Intrepid Heroes travel to Lansing, Michigan, where something's been slaughtering relatively new parents and stealing their babies. It's explosively grotesque.

The Hardy Boys...Don't Do Much of Anything, Actually

Exile On Main St. - In the first episode of the sixth season that nobody asked for, Sam and Dean reunite -- both with each other and with their long-dead grandfather, of all people -- to take out the pissed-off offspring of that frigging genie from three or four years ago. It's far less exciting than it sounds.

It's Better For the Hardy Boys to Burn Out Than Fade Away

Swan Song - Unfortunately, they chose the latter. Darling Sammy follows through on his abysmally stupid plan to end The Apocalypse by saying yes to Lucifer, and everything goes to Hell until a Magical Metallicar Montage somehow rekindles Our Intrepid Nimrod's faith in The Power Of Love. It's unbelievably gross.

The Hardy Boys Cut Their Meat and Lick the Gravy

Two Minutes To Midnight - "Dirty!" Yeah, I know, but it was either that line or the one about shouting for the creatures. "Filthy!" Our Intrepid Heroes take down Pestilence with a major assist from My Sweet Baboo, Bobby gets his legs back, and Dean enjoys an amiable luncheon with Capital-D Death in imperiled "Chicago" that ends with the final Horseman willingly surrendering his ring with only one more episode to go. Exciting, no?

The Hardy Boys Waste An Hour Of Our Lives

The Devil You Know - Seems like they've been doing that a lot lately, right? In this non-thrilling installment, the boys team up with Crossroads Boss Crowley to track down Pestilence, which leads them to The Horsemen's Buttboy, who is actually a demonically enhanced college chum of Sam's, and even though Sam's Stanford years are the absolute last thing we want to deal with on the eve of The Apocalypse, that's all any of these dolts talk about. For an entire hour. I hate this show.

The Hardy Boys Mock The World Turtle

Hammer of the Gods - Things quickly spiral straight down the crapper when Our Intrepid Heroes mistake I-70 for I-90 and end up smack in the middle of a live-action role-play version of Twilight Of The Gods. In other news, Raoul might need an intervention. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

The Secret of the Island Treasure

Point Of No Return - Our Intrepid Heroes return to the scene of their very first adventure, only to learn that the old Welch place out on Breckinridge Road was bought out a couple of months ago and is now being turned into condominiums. Thankfully, the new owner Mr. Applegate doesn't have a problem with the boys poking around for old times' sake, but when Sam and Dean discover a map behind a panel in Constance's old bedroom that points them towards an island out in the middle of the San Fernando Valley, wacky hijinks ensue. Why is there suddenly an island in the middle of Van Nuys, and what does that great big X on the map mean?

The Hardy Whores Do Dallas

99 Problems - By "Dallas," I mean "Minnesota." And by "Do," I mean "Visit." I believe the "Whores" bit is accurate, though.

Oh, Hardy Boys, Do You Know What That's Worth?

Dark Side Of The Moon - Dean says Heaven is a place on Earth. Our Intrepid Heroes get bumped Upstairs after two disgruntled Disney brothers bump them off down here, and Sam and Dean learn that Heaven is what you make of it. Well, they would have learned that valuable lesson, I'm sure, if Dean hadn't been such a whiny little bitch the entire time they were there.

The Hardy Boys Spell "Trouble" T-R-U-B-I-L

Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid - And if you try to correct them, they kill you. Our Intrepid Heroes head to Sioux Falls, where they decapitate a couple dozen zombies using nothing more than bullets. Apparently, there really is a point on a man's head where, if you shoot it, it'll blow up.

The Cracky Boys Crack The Crack Crackman Of The Crackopacrack

My Bloody Valentine - Famine causes Castiel to eat copious amounts of raw meat, and there's plenty of gore to go around. Happy Valentine's Day.

The Hardy Boys Go Back To The Future. Again.

The Song Remains The Same - My Sweet Baboo zaps Our Intrepid Heroes back to 1978 so they can kill Angelic Anna before she kills their parents, because everyone on this damn show keeps forgetting that no one can change what has already been foreordained by God.

The Hardy Boys Are, Like, Stuck In This SUCKFEST

Swap Meat - Yet another Manwitch defiles the season with his presence in order to surreptitiously swap bodies with Darling Sammy. It's even worse than it sounds.

The Hardy Boys Suffer From "Exhaustion" and "Dehydration"

Sam, Interrupted - When one of Sucky John's loser friends calls them from his current nuthouse with an urgent plea for help, The Ginormomope whines until Dashing El Deano agrees to travel to Booby Hatch, Oklahoma, to see about a whackjob-whacking Wraith. Dashing El Deano will nurse his subsequent grudge for decades.

Every Hardy Boy Plays the Fool

Abandon All Hope… - Our Intrepid Heroes track Lucifer to Carthage and shoot him in the face, but it's The Harvelle Girls who ended up blasted into an early grave. Happy holidays, everyone!

Let's Go LARPing With The Hardy Boys!

The Real Ghostbusters - On second thought, let's not and say we did. Becky The Wincesting Fangirl lures Our Intrepid Heroes to The First (And Only) Annual Supernatural Fan Convention, and Our Dear Boys quickly find themselves embroiled in an actual haunting, because the stupid fans picked the stupid site of an actual stupid massacre for their stupid fun and games. Supernatural fans suck.

Hail Hardy Boys, The Lord is With Thee!

Changing Channels - The Trickster makes his triumphant return to the small screen to hurl Our Intrepid Heroes into the even smaller small screen within the small screen we're all watching, and it's all very sitcom wrapped in a soap opera inside a Valtrex ad, but it's also a hell of a lot of fun. One thing, though: The Trickster's actually The Archangel Gabriel, and sweet Jesus, does he have an axe to grind.

The Hardy Boys Make It A Manwitch Night

The Curious Case Of Dean Winchester - Raoul takes a powder to watch something far more interesting in his den as Our Intrepid Idiots ignore The Apocalypse in favor of doing something stupid, which leads to them doing something else stupid, which leads to them doing something even more stupid, which leads to this overwhelmingly stupid and gore-free episode. Never again!

The Hardy Boys Meet The Antichrist

I Believe The Children Are Our Future - And then they bore him to death, with the talking and such. Psych! They don't kill The Antichrist at all, despite the fact that The Antichrist is an eminently killable eleven-year-old urchin, because they're idiots! Hooray for Supernatural!

The Hardy Boys Spend One Night In Paris

Fallen Idols - Oh, I'm kidding! Like they can afford the airfare. In a somewhat diverting throwback to the old-fashioned Monster Of The Week episodes from seasons past, Our Intrepid Heroes decide to bail on that whole Apocalypse thing for a couple of days to investigate a series of strange goings-on in Canton, Ohio. The good part? Lots of old-school gore. The better part? Paris Hilton didn't suck nearly as much as everyone thought she would. The best part? Darling Sammy in scrubs. Yum.

The Hardy Boys in the Garden of Good and Evil

The End - Dean pulls a Heroes and leaps five years into the future, playing the Two Stooges with future Dean and going up against Lucifer himself, who's dressed in the stylish vessel once known as Sam Winchester.

The Hardy Boys Get Snuggly, Hugly, Mean and Ugly

Free To Be You And Me - While Darling Sammy mopes around some dreary Oklahoman hellhole, Dashing El Deano and My Sweet Baboo roadtrip to Maine to ensnare the archangel responsible for Castiel's earlier smiting. And in the end, Lucifer invades Darling Sammy's sleepytime to make sweet, sweet love to The Ginormotron Antichrist. Needless to say, the end is the best part of the episode. Woof.

The Hardy Boys Gotta Have a Friend in Jesus

Good God, Y'All - 'Cause God knows after tonight's last scene, they sure as hell don't have one in each other. Having successfully battled The Second Horseman of The Apocalypse, Our Intrepid Heroes retire to a ridiculously scenic roadside rest area, where they break up with each other. Meanwhile, Bobby is positively, permanently paralyzed, and Castiel solemnly informs Dashing El Deano that his signature accessory is actually A Lo-Jack Of The Lord. Also: Lieutenant Hottie. Arnaghanaghanaghanagh.

The Hardy Boys Are Still Not Having Sex With Each Other!

Sympathy For The Devil - No, seriously. No, SERIOUSLY. NOT HAVING SEX, OKAY? God, what is wrong with you people? Do you not care about The Apocalypse? No! Of course you don't! Bobby's paralyzed, for Christ's bleeding sake, and all YOU PEOPLE can talk about is SAM CARESSING DEAN'S CLAVICLE! Even P. Diddy cares more about Lucifer rising than you do! I give up.

The Hardy Boys Raise a Little Hell

Lucifer Rising - Or, you know, a great big one. Your choice. Oh, Sam!

Crying Won't Help The Hardy Boys

When the Levee Breaks - And praying won't do them no good. Kicking the living crap out of each other, however, seems to help immensely. Good to know.

The Hardy Boys Just Have Their Party On TV

The Rapture - Pity that party's so dull. Castiel's bible-thumping Vessel gets his very own flashback episode, and while some found it touching, I don't think I've ever been so bored in my entire life. Next!

The Hardy Boys Nuke the Fridge

Jump The Shark - Well, I couldn't use "jump the shark," now could I? Our Intrepid Heroes receive a desperate call from their actual, honest-to-God half-brother, and it ends as well as we've come to expect on this show. I don't think I have the strength to make it through the last three episodes of the season.

The Hardy Boys Are NOT Having SEX With Each Other! GOD!

The Monster At The End Of This Book - Our Intrepid Heroes learn of LARPing and Wincest, all while A Prophet Of The Lord's predicting their bloody defeat at Lilith's hand. It's a wonder they made it through the episode without killing themselves.

The Hardy Boys Are Well-Respected Men

It's A Terrible Life - But only because yet another interfering angel's douched them up with corporate jobs and fake backstories for the evening. Dean Smith and Sam Wesson, model employees at Sandover Bridge & Iron in the great state of Ohio, find their routines disrupted when several colleagues off themselves in manners both deeply gruesome and deeply awesome. Together, they manage to solve the case, but will Smith & Wesson ever discover the source of their mysteriously shared anomie? Duuuuuuh.

The Hardy Boys Go Where Angels Fear to Tread

On The Head Of A Pin - Yeah, that title sucks, but it's the best I could do after this episode's hideously depressing final scene. Dean learns he inadvertently broke the first of Lilith's seals, thereby setting in motion the current crisis, and I'm sure he'd kill himself were it not for the fact he's all but immobilized in a hospital bed thanks to Alastair, who brutalized Our Intrepid Author Of The Apocalypse after a torture session gone horribly wrong. Sing it if you know it, kids: Oh, Dean!

The Hardy Boys Full-On Swayze That Mother. Again.

Death Takes a Holiday - A Wyominginian Reaper goes missing, so everyone has to suffer in this week's installment, including, but not limited to, Our Intrepid Astral Idiots, that little kid from Weeds, the little kid from Weeds's boozy sot of a mother, Tessa The Reaper from Season Two, Show Barnes, and -- most especially -- the audience, the latter because Fake Brando's back, and he's even more annoying than ever.

Sex and The Single Hardy Boys

Sex And Violence - This week, Our Intrepid Heroes take on a shape-shifting Siren who, for some strange reason, decides to retaliate by seducing them while in the guise of a male FBI agent. Does she know something we don't?

The Hardy Boys Might As Well Kill Themselves

After School Special - Our Intrepid Heroes head back to dear old Truman High School -- home of the Bombers, don't you know -- to investigate a mysterious rash of grisly student-on-student murders, but it's really just an excuse for Sam to drag Dean into a reexamination of their shared miserable past and how that wretched existence still affects them both to this day, and it's all just too depressing for words.

The Hardy Boys Pull a Rabbit Out of Their Hat

Criss Angel Is A Douchebag - Yes, "their hat." They have only one, don't you know. This week, the boys head to Sioux City, Iowa, where magical douchebags have been dropping dead left and right. I wish I could say Our Intrepid Heroes proceeded to save the day, but that would make me a LYING LIAR WHO LIES.

The Hardy Boys Meet Bristol Palin

Family Remains - Levi, too, as it turns out, but happily enough, the seemingly neverending quagmire of feral grunts and "collateral damage" and generalized ineptitude ends with a pair of cellar-dwelling inbred hillbilly mutant bitch freaks getting the permanent heave-ho. Hooray for the new administration!

The Hardy Boys' Sympathy For The Devil, Part II

Heaven And Hell - Dean confuses porn with reality. Eric Kripke confuses porn with his show. He also confuses Charmed with his show. Mark Rolston confuses Supernatural with The Godfather. The fans are confused as to why they were left with this to tide them over until the new year. Cut it with a butter knife, 'til all that's left is Dean's naked back and his naked emotion.

The Hardy Boys' Sympathy For The Devil, Part I

I Know What You Did Last Summer - Summer lovin' -- Sam had a blast. Summer lovin' happened so fast. She saved his life; he nearly died! Bedded Ruby, once she got a new hide. Autumn days full of angel sound waves, but oh, Sam's summer nights. Uh well-a well-a well-a huh. Tell me more. Tell me more...

Two Hardy Boys In A Fountain

Wishful Thinking - When you wish upon Tiamat. Makes no difference if where you're at. Everything your heart desires will just go splaaaaat.

The Hardy Boys Go From Wags To Witches

It's The Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester - You're a witch girl, and you've gone too far 'cause you know you don't say it "Sam-Hain." Summon your demon but it won't get you too far, get you too far.

The Hardy Boys Dick Around

Yellow Fever - Dean gets ghost cooties because he's a dick. Sam and Bobby torture a ghost, which is just kind of sick. Jensen Ackles is the next American Idol, because he's so slick.

The Hardy Boys Do The Monster Mash

Monster Movie - I was recapping for TWoP late one night, when the Winchesters turned all black and white. I rebooted my TiVo and rubbed my eyes. A monster movie plot was my surprise. Read how they mashed…

The Hardy Boys Face The Strange Ch-Ch-Changes

Metamorphosis - Remember that show -- two brothers on the road, hunting down monsters and beasties from folklore? This looks surprising like it.

A Hardy Boy Goes Back To The Future

In The Beginning - In the beginning the VW Van was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the roads of Lawrence, and the spirit of Dean moved upon John's opinion. And Dean said, "Let it be Metallicar," and it was Metallicar. And Dean saw Metallicar, and that it was good. And he called his mother Mary, and he called his father John, and he called his grandfather Samuel, and he called his grandmother Deanna. And the evening and the morning were the first day, and it was good -- until that Yellow Eyed Demon showed up and ruined everything. Again.

The Hardy Boys Get Déjà Vu All Over Again

Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean Winchester - When the past literally comes back to haunt Dean, Sam and Bobby, and the substitute recapper gets a surprise guest, nothing seems quite as safe as an iron-clad room and a poster of Bo Derek, or a pink canopied bed and a poster of the Jonas Brothers.

The Hardy Boys: Now On A Mission From God!

Lazarus Rising - Okay, so Dean's on a mission from God, and Darling Sammy's The Anti-Christ. Nevertheless, both of the boys blaspheme in here. Repeatedly. Needless to say, Miss Aretha is not pleased.

No Rest For The Wicked

To Hell With The Hardy Boys - Hellhounds drag Dashing El Deano away until next season's premiere, and everyone is very sad indeed. Well, you know. Everyone save those of us still shrieking about those meat hooks at the end of the episode. "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The Hardy Boys Do The Ultra-Violent

Time Is On My Side - Well, they tend to do the ultra-violent every episode, but this is the first to feature an explicit Clockwork Orange reference, so there you go. A freak of nature imperils The Super-Special Puppy-Dog Eyes, and hellhounds tear Posh Bela to bits. "GOOOOOOOOOOORE!"

The Hardy Boys Should Start Screening Their Calls

Long Distance Call -

Especially now that Daddy Shut Up (or, you know, a reasonable facsimile thereof) has taken to nagging them from the afterlife via his heavenly Verizon Wireless LG enV. Shut up, Sucky John.

It's The Hardy Boys' Party

Ghostfacers - And they'll cry if they want to, especially because their show got hijacked for the entire hour by two homophobic shitheads from a third-rate first-season snorefest. Ewwwwwwwww!

The Hardy Boys Got This Plan

Jus In Bello - It's called "Save Ass," but the only asses it ends up working on are their very own. And while those are some very fine asses to save, indeed, the whole thing sort of falls short of the goal.

The Hardy Boys Freeze Their Butts Off Waiting To Worship A Rat

Mystery Spot - That's right, Woodchuck-Chuckers: It's Groundhog Day!

The Hardy Boys In The Sky With Diamonds

Dream A Little Dream Of Me - Our Intrepid Heroes, like, do some stuff, you know? Man, am I wasted.

The Hardy Boys Vanquish The Charmed Ones

Malleus Maleficarum - They had no right, and they had no power, so Our Intrepid Heroes turned their hate-sticks into geysering founts of blood and gore. With maggots. And teeth.

The Hardy Boys Have To Muddle Through Somehow

A Very Supernatural Christmas - No I'm not crying. Shut up.

Move Over, Buffy...

Fresh Blood - ...because Sam could teach you a thing or two about vampire slaying, as after a still-insane and obsessed Gordon is turned, Sam decapitates him with some razor wire and his bare hands. In case you're wondering? Yes, it RULES!

Aunt Gertrude Gropes The Hardy Boys

Red Sky At Morning - Lucky hag.

The Hardy Boys Wet The Bed

Bedtime Stories - Well, they are being awfully pissy with each other, don't you think? Fairy tales come to life until Darling Sammy Zelda Rubinsteins a comatose woman into The Great Beyond.

The Hardy Boys Get Molested

Sin City - Primarily by a boring script, but we shouldn't overlook the stellar effort put forth by that especially handsy priest. Not to mention all those tranny hookers.

The Hardy Boys Have A Furry Fetish

Bad Day At Black Rock - No, sickos. A rabbit's foot. It's a furry rabbit's-foot fetish that's been slaughtering unfortunates for the last hundred years. Too bad it left that British chick alone.

The Hardy Boys Schedule Vasectomies

The Kids Are Alright - Because kids suck.

The Hardy Boys Cure Insomnia

The Magnificent Seven - In which Our Intrepid Heroes travel to Lincoln, Nebraska, to bore The Seven Deadly Sins to death. Yawn.

The Hardy Boys, Triumphant!

All Hell Breaks Loose, Part II - We knew they were going to get the better of Our Yellow-Eyed Acquaintance sooner or later. So why did it all suck so much?

The Hardy Boys, Defeated!

All Hell Breaks Loose, Part I - Well, after all, Darling Sammy does end up a ginormous slab of corpse meat at the end of this one. Given that, what would you expect me to call it?

The Last Temptation Of The Hardy Boys

What Is And What Should Never Be - Dean falls prey to a frigging genie who grants him his deepest wish, and it ends as badly as you'd expect. Oh, Dean!

The Hardy Boys Try Not To Drop The Soap

Folsom Prison Blues - Sam and Dean hit the big house to investigate a series of suspicious heart attacks at the behest of one of their rotten father's old Marine buddies, and never has prison orange looked so good.

The Hardy Boys Do Hollywood

Hollywood Babylon - If you know what I mean, and I think you do.

The Hardy Boys Cough Up A Hairball

Heart - Darling Sammy meets a saucy and insouciant lass and plugs her. In more ways than one. Darling Sam is never, ever going to get laid again, is he?

The Hardy Boys Realize Hope Floats

Roadkill - Among other things. A shapely guest ghost thinks she's still alive. Our Intrepid Heroes disabuse her of that notion. Slowly.

The Hardy Boys Work Each Other's Last Damn Nerve

Tall Tales - Of course, they receive a little assistance in their endeavors from a deathless Trickster, but it's not like they weren't halfway there to begin with.

The Hardy Boys Learn Possession Is Nine-Tenths Of The Law

Born Under A Bad Sign - While road-tripping through the Midwest, Our Intrepid Heroes run into an old friend. Unfortunately, said old friend immediately gets all up in Darling Sammy and starts making him do some very naughty things. Uh-oh.

The Hardy Boys Get Touched By An Angel

Houses Of The Holy - And for the second week in a row, it's not in the good way. Darling Sammy has a crisis of faith, and Dean pretends to care. Along with everybody else on the planet.

The Hardy Boys Are So Screwed

Nightshifter - And not in the good way, either.

The Hardy Boys Check In To The Overlook Hotel

Playthings - Or a reasonable facsimile thereof in Connecticut, where they find the eternally preadolescent spirit of the current owner's aunt leading the relatively blameless into some spectacularly gruesome deaths. Our Intrepid Heroes, buzzkills that they so often are, quickly put an end to all that.

The Hardy Boys Need Their Space

Hunted - Well, one of them does, at any rate. After Dean spills The Big Secret That So Totally Is Not, Sam surreptitiously takes off in a furious little snit to perform a bit of investigating on his own. Too bad Gordon Walker's drawn a big, fat bull's eye on Darling Sammy's remarkably broad back.

The Hardy Boys Go Viral

Croatoan - Lousy idea for a joke, yes, but this episode deserves whatever awful wordplay it gets. A mysterious demonic contagion overruns a wide spot in the road, and it's left to Our Intrepid Heroes to figure out what's going on. In between deadening bouts of The Angst, of course.

The Hardy Boys Don't Want No Mean Mistreaters

Crossroad Blues - Our Intrepid Heroes hit some random burg somewhere to investigate the suspicious dog-related deaths of a bunch of sniveling yuppies. They shouldn't have wasted their time.

The Hardy Boys Spew Blasphemous Profanities

The Usual Suspects - Our Intrepid Heroes hook up with Linda Blair to rid Our Beloved Series of infamous show-killer Jason Gedrick. Let's hope he stays dead.

The Hardy Boys Meet Nancy Drew

No Exit - And then they lose her skinny little blonde ass when the undead spirit of Dr. Henry Howard Holmes drags her into a disused sewer junction beneath the streets of Philadelphia to hug her and pet her and name her George.

The Hardy Boys Are Not The Droids You're Looking For

Simon Said - Our Intrepid Heroes travel to Guthrie, Oklahoma, where an apparently affable psychokinetic has been pushing the elderly in front of speeding buses via the power of his mind -- or has he?

The Hardy Boys Have A Suisse Mocha Moment

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things - Our Intrepid Heroes rid their birthplace of a zombie, then retire to the Impala for pedicures and facials. In other news, Sam discovers porn. Pity he just lost use of his right hand.

The Hardy Boys Stifle Their Gag Reflexes

Bloodlust - No, not like that! In a morgue, while examining a disgustingly mottled corpse! No, not like that either! God, you people are sick. In other news, cow-sucking vampires just vant to be left alone.

The Hardy Boys And The Case Of The Idiot Children

Everybody Loves A Clown - A bunch of miniature morons allow a deranged serial killer into their homes in the middle of the night. Everyone suffers. Also: Sam and Dean have Issues.

The Hardy Boys Get Frisky Over A Pottery Wheel

In My Time Of Dying - So it's actually a non-Ouija Ouija board. Sue me. Dean nearly voyages into the great beyond, but Shut Up Daddy sacrifices his own life for that of his son. Sniff.

It's Time To Put This Hardy Boys Thing to Bed

Devil's Trap - Daddy Winchester is possessed by the Ceiling Demon. Sam and Dean rid him of this possession. He gripes at them about it.

The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of Genetics

Salvation - John Winchester makes a series of stupid decisions when he leaves his boys to fight the Big Bad alone so that he can walk straight into Short Lip Meg's obvious trap. Nobody succeeds.

The Hardy Boys Meet The Lost Boys

Dead Man's Blood - A gun rumored to be able to kill anything falls into a gang of vampires' undead hands. It's pretty easy to get back.

The Hardy Boys and the Art of Getting Laid

Provenance - A haunted painting is killing its owners. Sam makes a differential equation of pain and suffering out of what should be a 2+2=4 hook-up with a hot art expert.

The Hardy Boys Toil and Trouble

Something Wicked - While hunting a witch that preys on children, Dean flashes back to when he and Sam were kids.

The Hardy Boys 2.0

Hell House - A haunted house legend gains power as more and more people read about it on the internet.

The Hardy Boys Are Daddy's Boys

Shadow - The brothers call their father to Chicago to help fight what they think might be the big bad. It turns out, however, that the whole thing was a trap orchestrated by Meg.

The Hardy Boys: It's What's (Almost) For Dinner

The Benders - Nothing technically supernatural this week, just a bunch of regular Minnesotan hillbillies with a penchant for hunting other people.

The Hardy Boys Get the Night Sweats

Nightmare - Sam has premonitions about an abused son killing his father and uncle with telekinetic powers. While trying to keep the kid -- whose biological mother was also flambéed a la Mary Winchester -- from killing his stepmother, Sam finds out that he can move things with his mind.

The Hardy Boys Get Some

Route 666 - Dean's ex-girlfriend calls the boys for help when her father is killed by a racist, anthropomorphized truck. Yes, really.

The Hardy Boys Get Religion

Faith - When Dean's heart is severely damaged after a monster electrocution gone wrong, the brothers travel to see a "faith" healer. Dean gets healed but, gasp, there's something fishy about the circumstances and the brothers spend some time walking around trying to solve the mystery.

The Hardy Boys Go Off to See the Wizard

Scarecrow - A quaint farm town sacrifices unsuspecting strangers to a pagan scarecrow god to assure the town's prosperity. A girl named Meg, who has a talent for slashing throats and communicating with demons, enters Sam's life.

The Hardy Boys Are Not the Boss of Each Other

Asylum - A job at a haunted asylum brings out some major sibling issues for Sam. Major as in "tries to shoot his brother in the head" major.

The Hardy Boys Do the Zelda Rubenstein Thing

Home - Sam and Dean return to their childhood home to find it possessed and determined to kill its new inhabitants.

The Hardy Boys Go Native

Bugs - Sam and Dean investigate a mysterious death in Oklahoma, and discover that land being developed into a housing complex is under a Native American curse.

The Lord God Your Hardy Boys

Hook Man - A Reverend's daughter starts taking her Sunday School lessons a little too seriously when she conjures the Hook Man to kill her friend when she suggests they watch Reality Bites.

The Hardy Boys Need To Exfoliate More

Skin - A shape-shifter thinks Dean's skin is the perfect outfit for knife-torturing Sam and some other girl. Dean has to shoot his doppelganger dead.

Off With the Hardy Boys' Heads!

Bloody Mary - Sam and Dean investigate a couple of mysterious deaths connected by the Bloody Mary legend. What they find is shocking: Bloody Mary is actually the freaky girl from The Ring!

The Hardy Boys Resolve to Exorcise More

Phantom Traveler - A plume of black soot is possessing people and causing them to crash airplanes. Sam and Dean exorcise it by speaking very bad Latin.

Acqua di Hardy Boys

Dead In The Water - A childhood murder resurfaces when the spirit of a drowned Boy Scout starts taking revenge on the men who killed him three decades ago.

The Hardy Boys Camp Out

Wendigo - The Wendigo legend gets dragged out of the Closet of Uninspiring Forest Monsters as the brothers help a hot chick find her granola nut brother.

Get Your Kicks On Route 666

Pilot - Follow the daring and darling Brothers Winchester as they scour the countryside in their vintage Chevy Impala on a single-minded mission to vanquish various and sundry succubi. No, seriously -- follow them, 'cause it's not as bad as it sounds. Hey, where are you going? You're gonna miss Jensen Ackles's ass! Oh, whatever.