Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 5 USERS: B+
The Hardy Whores Do Dallas

Now, where was I? Oh, yes: So, despite Dashing El Deano's shotgun jamming at a particularly inopportune moment while Darling Sammy gets his remarkably healthy ass handed to him, Our Intrepid Heroes and their Minnesotan pals eventually prevail against the sixteen -- yep, I counted -- demonically enhanced yokels, and as the victors elatedly lope back to their various pickups and Metallicars and whatnot, Sam practically giggles, "I guess that's what it's like, huh?" Dean's all, "The hell are you talking about?" so Sam explains, "Having backup!" and I'm certainly happy you're all enjoying yourselves so much, but could we get to the goddamned point of this episode, already? Some of us have refreshing beverages to attend to. "Hee! [Slurp!] At this tedious pace, I'll have my entire trolley cart all to myself!" Gloating is such an ugly color on you, Raoul. "[Snicker!] [Slurp!]" ANY-way, the elder Renegade Lutherans pile into Rob's truck to head back to town while an obviously smitten Dylan hangs back with the boys to enjoy an illicit brewski or two at the Impala when...a pair of hands latch onto Dylan's ankles to yank him beneath the car! DUN! Dylan howls and screams as he vanishes from sight while Our Intrepid Heroes leap into action, with Dean grabbing at Dylan's flailing arms as Sam hauls the sneaky yokel responsible for this latest trauma out into the open, and though Sam's mighty quick to plunge The Knife That Can Kill Anything Except When It Usually Can't into the yokel's gut, I'm afraid it's curtains for poor, smitten Dylan. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Yep, as Dean lugs the dead teen out from underneath the Impala, Dylan's rapidly cooling head drops back to gift us all with a lovingly lingering look at the garish hole now torn through his throat. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I'm so happy this pleases you, Raoul. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Dean, of course, couldn't be more pissed, and he all but rages "CRAP!" at the uncaring Heavens as this evening's first METAL TEETH CHOMP! arrives to drag us into the commercial beak.

Church. Aftermath. And good goddamn, but these people were quick to sling Poor Dead Dylan into a coffin for his funeral. Though why Our Intrepid Heroes aren't insisting on cremation, I'll never know, but that's not important right now because what is important right now is that the redheaded woman who will become important later is named Jane, and she's married to Rob, apparently, and she blames Our Intrepid Heroes for her son's death. Got all that? "I do not!" Well, then, you're out of luck, because I'm not repeating myself, because I have to plow through the hideously lengthy and boring funeral service that follows, during which Father Rough And Ready offers what I am sure is a heartfelt and touching eulogy until that damned drama-queen daughter of his decides to fake an epileptic fit right there in front of the poor kid's casket like the spiteful attention whore we've long suspected her to be. "Hee! I see what you did there!" Oh, I'd have to wake up pretty early in the morning to sneak one past you, wouldn't I? "Indeed! [Slurp!] Now do be a dear and hurry this along! Your hairy virgin is getting warm!" How...appetizing.

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