Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 3 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys, Defeated!

Next thing we know, Lily The Lesbian's trudging though the woods on the hill above town. She pauses long enough to toss one last glance at the buildings below before continuing on her way, and if she's off to consult with The Ceiling Demon, we won't find out about it until after we've...

...rejoined Dean and Bobby, who are just now turning into Harvelle's parking lot, and I'm going to ignore the screwed-up apparent timeline, here, because I quite seriously don't care anymore. Just keep telling yourself that any point in the Lower Forty-Eight is at most one hundred miles from the roadhouse, and you'll be fine, too. Besides, why bother figuring out the timeline when you can revel in the destruction of Harvelle's? Yes, gentle readers and rabid fangirls alike, someone or something has firebombed the place, and the only thing still standing is a bit of the flat they constructed for the exteriors front wall. No, really, it's the flat they constructed for the exteriors, because when the camera flips around it to track Metallicar's approach through the ruins, they don't even bother to mask the lengths of lumber propping the goddamned thing up from behind. ANY-way, Dean and Bobby exchange A Look Fraught With Significance before disembarking to examine the charred remains of the bar, and... "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Indeed, for oh, yes, they do not shy away at all from displaying bits of the remains of the unfortunate and now-crispy patrons who happened to be trapped in the inferno. I can see Parker's boot along with a bit of his leg, and I can see Justin's hand with visible bone poking through what's left of its flesh, and I can see part of Ash's arm with his wristwatch still attached, and as I now feel like a Satanic version of Miss Marcia from Romper Room, I'll be stopping the inventory of remains to note that they can't seem to find Ellen -- thank God, because otherwise I'd have to ensure The Kripkeeper would never again sire children -- and that Dean is most displeased to find Ash apparently dead. Next!

Back in the fern-filled coastal rain forest of central South Dakota, Lily The Lesbian pushes her way through the pines until a moppet's disembodied laughter emanates from somewhere further within the surrounding trees. DUN!

Meanwhile, Sam finds a discarded steamer trunk, and riffles through its contents until he finds a Bowie knife almost as ginormous as he is. And in something I totally brushed past the first time through this episode, he rises from the trunk to find Ava clutching at her temples and groaning a bit. When he asks if she's okay, she nods her head around, explaining the slight spell away as dizziness brought on by lack of food. And because I accepted that answer even though I initially thought she might have been receiving an uncontrolled premonition, or something, I completely forgot all about it until just now. Stupid me. Stupid, stupid me. In any event, the two commiserate about their current situation for a bit until dear little gay stoner Andy calls out to announce he's found something. They join G.I. Jake below as Andy comes bounding out of the kitchen with two massive bags of rock salt hoisted above his head. Aw. He's so giggly and excited and adorable and doomed. "Demian, you naughty thing! Spoiler!" Oh. Ooops! Sam's about to gather the group into a single, salt-encircled room for the duration, of course, when he suddenly notices The Lesbian's absence. Ava and Sam call out her name, and I mention it only because Katharine Isabelle's all girly with the shouting and such, and then Jared Padalecki busts out this bellowing, manly howl, and it just...I mean...he's all...and the...woof! Moving along, then: The two are answered only by a moppet's disembodied laughter emanating from somewhere outdoors, so all four of our super-special mommy-free and -having kids scurry outside onto the porch to find...a dead lesbian! Raoul? "Please! She's just hanging from the town's windmill, for heaven's sake! You think I'm going to waste a 'GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!' on that?!" Quite right, my scaly friend, and it's well you shouldn't, for despite Ava's abjectly terrified reaction to it all, Lily The Lesbian really is just dangling there from a noose, and where's the fun in that? "Especially after Gary Cole was so delightfully flailing and jerking about not three weeks ago!" The point is yours, Raoul, so let's keep this going, shall we?

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