Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 3 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys, Defeated!

Long story short, G.I. Jake finally fully agrees with Sam's plan to stick together, as Lily The Lesbian was obviously killed while trying to escape, or something, so while Jake goes to cut The Lesbian down, the others should retreat into the hotel for safety. Ava immediately complies -- a hand to her mouth like she's about to vomit -- but Sam lingers on the front porch for some reason, so Dear Little Doomed Gay Stoner Andy lingers with him, because Dear Little Doomed Gay Stoner Andy is in love! Or maybe it's because Sam wishes he had a phone to call Dean, and Andy suddenly realizes he can use his very own super-special gay porn satellite service to send Dean their coordinates. Sam finds this an excellent idea, and, after a bit of business involving a gas receipt Dean signed under the alias "D. Hasselhoff," Andy focuses on the slip of paper for a moment, and we head back to...

...the ruins of Harvelle's, where Dean's suddenly struck with a migraine, and thanks to a shuddery insert, we can tell Andy's just sent Dean a vision of the town's bell. Bobby quite reasonably wonders if Dean's a psychic like his brother -- and again, I mention it only because it might become important later -- and barely has Dean spat out his angry denial when he's assaulted by another headache, and thanks again to a shuddery insert, we can see that Andy's amended his previous message with an image of Sam's face. By the way, that second vision brought Dean to his knees. "Dirty!" Well, yes, I'm certain his knees are dirty after he collapsed onto them in the mud, but I suspect that's not what you meant, Raoul. Anyway, after Dean recovers, the two adventurers bang their heads together for a lengthy period of time and realize Sam's in Cold Oak, South Dakota. Then, Dean storms back in to the ruins of the bar to clompy-stomp on Ash's remains, because he was just in South Dakota and would still be there were it not for The Stupid Mullet's stupid, worthless phone call, and now they've got another two-hour, 100-mile drive ahead of them before they can find Sam. Or maybe I imagined that part.

Back in Frontierland Hell, Sam and G.I. Jake bang on an old piece of farm equipment, trying to break off a few lengths of iron bar for defensive purposes, until Jake just whatevers and yanks a big chunk off with his bare hands. His super-special ability, you see, is super-strength, and we listen to his sad tale of woe for a while, and it's nothing we haven't heard before with the headaches and the bizarre ability suddenly manifesting itself under stressful circumstances, so let's skip ahead to the bit where they exchange gloom-and-doom stories relevant to their current situation. On second thought, let's not and say we did, and instead skip ahead to Sam and Ava laying down a circle of rock salt back at the decrepit hotel, shall we? Ah. That's better. The circle encompasses an entire room, from the doorframe to the windowsills, so the four have a little space to move around, in case you were wondering. And after they've completed this task, Sam and Ava indulge in a little heart-to-heart during which Sam finally at long last admits that Ava's Brady is capital-D Dead. Ava's touchingly stricken by the news, but because she collapses once again into Darling Sammy's open arms against his remarkably broad chest, she can go to hell. Well, because of that, and because she's secretly evil, of course, but we'll be getting to that later. "I think I'd still hate her even if she weren't secretly evil!" You and me both, Raoul. You and me both.

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