Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 3 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys, Defeated!

Some time later, Sam slouches in a chair by the windows while G.I. Jake stands guard at the door with his iron bar. No, not like that. Get your filthy minds out of the gutter for once in your lives. In any event, Dear Little Doomed Gay Stoner Andy's crashed out at the table, and Ava sits tensely in a chair of her own, lost in thought. Sam struggles to remain awake, but eventually allows his head to droop for a moment, and when he lifts his eyes to the door once more, he finds himself...staring into the yellow cataracts covering The Ceiling Demon's eyes! DUN! Sam scrambles backwards in his chair and screams out a warning to G.I. Jake, but the soldier remains oblivious as The Ceiling Demon calls out a cheerful, "Howdy, Sam!" Like daughter, like father. By the way, they answered my wish and convinced Frederic Lane to recreate his role for the season finale. Excellent. Anyway, Sam shakes his shaggy head around before blurting, "I'm dreaming!" The Ceiling Demon simply smirks a bit at this and, advancing past the still-clueless G.I. Jake into the room despite the line of salt, growls, "Whaddya say you and I take a little walk?" The camera spends about fifteen indecisive seconds racing in on each of their faces before settling for Frederic Lane's right before everything vanishes into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

The aftermath finds Sam out on the town's only drag, lurching along behind The Ceiling Demon with his hands clenched in fists of rage, and while Frederic Lane kicks the expected amounts of ass during the sniping and bitchy verbal smackdown that follows between the two, this entire evening, as Raoul noted earlier, is pretty much all expository set-up for next week's episode, so let's cut to the chase: Sam and the other super-special mommy-free and -having kids present are actually in a competition against one another, from which only one will emerge alive. You should probably know that The Ceiling Demon rather amusingly introduces this bit of information by grandly orating, "Welcome to The Miss America Pageant!" which is entirely in keeping with those fey Fosse jazz-hands of his from the season premiere, and so I am inordinately amused by the line. I have to admit, though, that the real Miss America Pageant could solve all of its current ratings woes by turning the antiquated damn thing into an actual fight-to-the-death cage match between the contestants. I know Raoul would watch. "I'd watch it anyway! Pageant hair makes me giggle!" In any event, where the hell was I? Oh, yeah. See, The Ceiling Demon doesn't need an army of special-kid soldiers for the impending war; he simply needs one from this generation to act as his general over the real army he's about to amass, and how better to determine which kid should receive the honor than to see who remains standing after he sets them to killing each other? What's that? You have no idea what that "this generation" bit means? Neither do I, aside from the fact that when Sam picks up on it as well, The Ceiling Demon tosses off an aside about the fact of generations other than Sam's, and while we already received confirmation of a future generation last season with the family Our Intrepid Heroes saved during "Salvation," this is the first, I think, that we've officially heard of generations past, but I've already spent about five minutes longer explaining the whole damn thing than the show did in mentioning it, so moving on! The Ceiling Demon claims he drew Sam away from the others in the hotel to deliver a pep talk. Why? Let's let him answer that himself. "Sam," The Ceiling Demon croons, "Sammy! You're my favorite!" I don't know if I should snicker at Frederic Lane's overly ardent delivery of that line, or if I should tell the bitch to back the hell off My Intrepid Hero lest I cut his man-stealing ass.

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