Episode Report Card
Demian: C+ | 3 USERS: B+
The Hardy Boys, Defeated!

Turns out he sped up to Bobby's place in South Dakota for a little assistance. Unfortunately, Bobby has little assistance to offer, for the entire country's been silent as far as demonic signs and omens are concerned for the last month -- even "low-level stuff like exorcisms" has been nonexistent over the last four weeks. Dean's about to howl in outrage at the news when his cell phone chirps. He answers to find an urgently whispery Ash on the other end of the line, calling from Harvelle's, where he's found nothing on Sam. However, he has found something so "huge," that it would behoove Dean and Bobby to haul their collective ass to Nebraska, pronto. Seems whatever it is happens to be of such tremendous importance that Ash is unwilling even to hint at its true nature over an unsecured phone line. Dean's ready to protest, but Ash slams down the receiver on his end, cutting short the chat. Back in the pouring Dakota rain, Dean glances in disbelief at his cell for a moment before shrugging, "I guess we're going to the Roadhouse." The two hop into the Impala and grumble off.

Back in the ghost town, Sam's still trying to convince his new friends of the existence of everything everyone in the audience already knows about, so let's skip ahead to the bit where Jake -- who's last name is Talley, by the way -- decides he'd be far better off without all of these crazy people around, and so angrily storms off down the town's only drag alone. The Lesbian glowers at Sam. DUN!

Just as Jake marches past the town's schoolhouse, a 1920s-era moppet appears in one of the school's windows to stare at him. Then, almost before he's had a chance to register her presence, the moppet appears to vanish into the darkened depths of the abandoned building. Jake stupidly forces his way into the place and sweeps his eyes around the dust-encrusted furniture he finds therein as disembodied laughter emanates from somewhere further within. As the camera pulls a slow pan around his head, the rapid-fire squeaking of chalk on a board hits his ears, and when he turns back around to what had been the blank board he saw when he initially entered the schoolhouse, he finds it's been covered with "I will not kill" repeated over and over again in a childish hand. Incidentally, the demon moppet tops off her lower-case Is with little circles. "EVIL!" howls Raoul, a fluttery paw against his jittery heart. "I told you preadolescent girls are the most insidious form of Satanic treachery on the face of the planet!" We should have listened to you, my scaly friend, but do calm yourself, for the moppet's suddenly appeared behind G.I. Jake, here, and she's curled her fingers into an approximation of claws that just as quickly grow into actual ones, accompanied by appropriate sound effects! "Oh, this is too much for me!" Raoul shrieks, burying his eyes in his paws. "I can't watch! Tell me when it's over!" The moppet, now sporting appropriately ghastly and shrewlike facial features to match those hideous claws of hers, shudder-zips up to G.I. Jake to make with the bloodletting, but Super-Smart Action Sammy's arrived just in time to snatch up an iron poker from the ash can next to the schoolhouse's woodstove, and, oh, this is awesome. I loved it when he swung that fireplace poker like a baseball bat through the preadolescent straight-razor killer in "Provenance," and I'm loving that same damn thing here: Sam just whips the iron bar through the little beastie's body, and the Hell-sent moppet instantly dissolves into a spray of bitterly black demonic bits -- this one with a line of fire where the poker's ripped through its human form -- and the spray sweeps up to the ceiling in a miniature whirlwind before darting out through the schoolhouse's front door and into the sky above the heads of the others, who have arrived just in time to witness the display. "Just so you know," Sam prissily pants, "that was a demon," as the METAL TEETH CHOMP drags G.I. Jake's shocked expression into the first commercial break.

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