Episode Report Card
Demian: A+ | 10 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys, Triumphant!

...G.I. Jake enters the old cowboy cemetery and picks his way across the unattended graves to the promised crypt. He's about to examine the complicated locking mechanism embedded in the crypt's doors when Zombie Sam unexpectedly calls out, "BRAAAAAAAINS!" Ooops. He actually said, "Howdy, Jake!" which I suppose is meant to be far more disturbing, for the "Howdy, [Person Upon Whom I Am About To Inflict Agonizing Injury And Excruciating Death]!" construction is one previously used only by Meg and her demonic father. Make of that what you will. Jake slowly spins around to find himself surrounded by Zombie Sam, Bobby, Ellen, and Dean, each of whom is aiming a gun at his head. "You were dead!" Jake insists. "I killed you!" "Yeah?" Zombie Sam sneers back. "Well, next time, finish the job." "I did!" Jake exclaims. "I cut clean through your spinal cord, man! You can't be alive -- you can't be." Zombie Sam shoots Dean A Look while Bobby shiftily averts his eyes. "Awwwwwwk-waaaaaard!" shrieks Raoul, temporarily awoken from his COMA OF BOREDOM by this unexpected turn of events. Many are the taunts and the teasings and the threats of death until G.I. Jake focuses his attention on Ellen and, after allowing his eyes to flare yellow for the briefest of instants, suggests, "Hey, lady -- do me a favor and put that gun to your head." Ellen, struggling mightily against the suggestion and clearly freaked by her body's rebellion against her conscious mind, shakes and shudders and eventually complies. "See?" Jake gloats. "That Ava girl was right -- once you give in to it, there's all sorts of new Jedi mind-tricks you can learn." Jake next verbally orders the gentlemen present to disarm themselves, and despite Ellen's brave objections, all three do so. Having thus bought himself a little time, Jake leaps towards the crypt, shoves the barrel of The Fucking Colt into the center of the locking mechanism, and twists hard, sending the two concentric panels in the middle spinning in opposite directions.

Dean and Bobby immediately lunge for Ellen and wrestle the gun away from her head just as her errant finger squeezes the trigger, and the echoing report of that gunshot overlaps with the first of four subsequent shots Zombie Sam plugs into G.I. Jake's back in rapid succession. Jake, blood pouring from his mouth, almost instantly collapses onto his back, and sneering Zombie Sam -- here trying to evoke the sense of menace he so effortlessly communicated in "Born Under A Bad Sign" but failing miserably and instead resembling nothing so much as a drag queen doing Faye Dunaway doing Joan Crawford during Mommie Dearest's infamous "Tina! Bring Me The Axe!" sequence -- deliberately crosses to stand astride Jake's prone form and blast three more bullets into his head. Zombie Sam's now sporting a few specks of Jake's blood on his face, by the way, and as Bobby and Ellen brush past him to figure out what's going on with the crypt's ominously clanking locking mechanism, Bobby gifts The Ginormous Revenant with a quick look of terror. Hee. For his part, Zombie Sam simply wipes the blood from his face with one of his remarkably large hands, and if El Deano has a reaction of his own to all of this, it's going to have to wait, for the locking mechanism's now clanked to a halt with The Fucking Colt protruding from the center of a spiky pentagram. DUN! "Oh, no!" Bobby breathes. "What is it?" Ellen wonders. "It's Hell!" Bobby growls. Dean lunges forward to retrieve The Fucking Colt from the lock just as Bobby shouts for everyone to take cover. Dean and Zombie Sam dive behind a couple of nearby headstones, and in a fairly done -- yes, "fairly done," only -- effects sequence, the crypt's doors burst open to unleash both a massive, roiling, swarming cloud of bitterly black demonic goo and a tremendous shockwave that rips outwards from the cemetery. As hundreds of individual demonic whirlwinds obscure Our Intrepid Heroes from sight on the ground, the camera leaps up high above the Basin, and when the shockwave blasts across the surrounding countryside, the crisscrossing rail lines that comprise the devil's trap crackle with rapidly moving flames that illuminate a large part of the overall pattern while destroying the trap itself. In a neat little touch, you can see two of the tracks of fire converge upon one of the points of the pentagram, and the abandoned frontier church at the meeting of the lines goes boom! in the very, very far distance. Heh. Satanic lightning strikes zap the formerly off-limits area at the center, and that roiling, swarming cloud made up of hundreds of individual demonic whirlwinds rises from the earth below to shoot up towards the sky and directly into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next





Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP