Episode Report Card
Demian: A+ | 10 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys, Triumphant!

RAAAWWWR! "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" Raoul delightedly shrieks, as is his wont, before turning to me in his overstuffed armchair and howling, "A TEAR?! A single, perfect, manly tear disappears into the opening METAL TEETH CHOMP!?" I've a feeling this development upsets you. "As well it should! If a tear is going to drop into the opening METAL TEETH CHOMP! of the season finale, it had best be A TEAR OF GORE!" Raoul, you know I could hardly agree with you more, but you really must settle down, or it's going to make for an impossibly long evening. "Okay! I don't really care that much about it, you know! I'm just trying to be conversational and such!" Thanks for the effort, my scaly friend. "You're welcome!'' Now, shush.

Elsewhere, G.I. Jake lounges al fresco in front of a fire he's managed to start deep within the lush South Dakota coastal rainforest surrounding Cold Oak. No, I don't know where he got the frigging tent, so don't ask me. Just as G.I. Jake nods off, The Ceiling Demon pops up on a rock opposite with a too-friendly, "Howdy, Jake!" Jake, to his credit, understands immediately that he's dreaming, and while you know how much I love me some Frederic Lane as Our Yellow-Eyed Acquaintance, let's get the bit of expository blathering that follows over with, okay? Long story short, if G.I. Jake -- "the last man standing" in The Ceiling Demon's ongoing demonic Cold Oak cage match among all of the super-special mommy-free and -having children -- does not now do everything The Ceiling Demon tells him to, Our Yellow-Eyed Acquaintance will "make certain" that Jake's mother and younger sister "live long enough to know the chewy taste of their own intestines." "And why were we not witness to that?!" Raoul shrieks, still feeling cheated. Because it hasn't happened yet, sweetheart. "Ooops! Never mind!" Seriously, Raoul. Chill. "Okay!" In any event, Jake quickly acquiesces to The Demon's demands, but we'll have to wait a bit to learn the nature of those demands, for first we must attend to the tremendously large matter of...

...The Dead Sam we've all got on our hands at the moment, and I swear to God, I have not seen a corpse this photogenic since the deathless Barbara O'Neil lay in artfully lit repose at Tara all those many years ago. Or, you know, the last time TNT ran that movie as counterprogramming on Super Bowl Sunday. Your pick. Dean sits shiva above his ridiculously lengthy dead brother, and I don't know if I can make it through the monologue Dean delivers to the corpse. Not because it's horribly written -- it's not that bad, really -- and not because Jensen Ackles fails to sell the crap out of it -- he does, and this scene explains perfectly why he submitted this episode to the Emmy nominating committee, despite the fact that we'll all be playing ice hockey in Hell long before he ever receives a nomination for this show -- but because of all The Goddamned ANGST That Is Going To Kill The Recapper And His Ever-Faithful Yet Severely Deluded Lizardly Companion. "You rememb...HEY!" "You know when we were little?" Dean begins, and already I must fight the urge to scream, "No, he doesn't, because he's dead, MORON!" at the television set. I really am not to be trusted with The ANGST. Then again, whatever happened to that "no chick-flick moments" vow from the series premiere? Huh? I was promised no chick-flick moments, and now El Deano's having a nervous breakdown over Sam's frigging ginormous corpse like he's Sally Field in Steel Magnolias going, "Open your eyes, Shelby! Ope-ope-open your eyes!" Wimp.

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