Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 2 USERS: A+
Death Becomes The Hardy Boys

The Only Hospital In San Francisco. Dimwit El Deano's blathering away at Tessa's back as she strides purposefully away from him, and only the sound of an incoming ambulance can get her to stop. "I knew it!" she breathes, more than a little irritated. "What?" Dimwit El Deano guhs. Your answer, nimrod, is now arriving through the emergency room doors: A battered and bloody Nurse Jolene, stretched out unconscious on a gurney as a harassed EMT rattles off her many, many injuries, which include internal bleeding, several shattered vertebrae, and the heart attack she suffered in the ambulance on the way over from the scene of her spectacular off-camera car accident. In case you haven't guessed, because Dean refused to off that goddamned little wretch like he was supposed to, both Nurse Jolene and the heart surgeon got to leave early, and because Nurse Jolene got to leave early, she ended up in a spectacular off-camera car smash that earned her a place on Death's list decades before her destined time, because the heart surgeon's not there to tend to her brutally traumatized ticker. Unintended consequences, and all that, just like on every single other television show, ever, that has ever had one of its characters play at being Death for a day. I would much have preferred it if Dean unexpectedly fulfilled his Death duties to the letter, rather than have them trot out this clich├ęd and tiresome "plot" "twist." "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Or sleep. I would have much preferred sleep, as well.

In any event, Nurse Jolene flatlines, and when he protests that she's not supposed to be a part of all "this," Tessa immediately points out that she is now, and it's all because Dimwit El Deano didn't do his goddamned job in the first place. Dimwit El Deano reluctantly steps over to touch Nurse Jolene's hand, and when he turns back to the justifiably irate Tessa, he finds that Spectral Jolene's already joined her. "Am I...?" Spectral Jolene begins. "I'm sorry," Tessa replies, thereby answering a question that was never fully asked in the first place. "But I'm..." Spectral Jolene begins again, and wow. She has a lot of problems completing her sentences, doesn't she? "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!" Zip it, Raoul. " young?" Tessa finishes for her. "Yeah," Tessa agrees before adding, "Actually, you were supposed to live for many decades -- have kids, grandkids." "Then why...?" Spectral Jolene begins again, and Tessa quite pointedly stares at Dean as she notes, "Because he screwed up." "You did this to me?" Spectral Jolene asks, finally -- finally -- finishing one of her goddamned sentences, but Dimwit El Deano is momentarily dumbstruck, so Tessa starts to lead Spectral Jolene away. "Wait!" Dean shouts, somehow finding his voice. "I'm sorry!" Tessa just stares at him all, "Oh, my holy God, you are SUCH a motherfucking dipshit, and I can't believe I EVER had a thing for you!" while Spectral Jolene offers little more than her damning silence. Atta girls. This stumpy little bow-legged asshole deserves all of that and more.

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